foul mood now.
haiz
crap
i am just gonna cover my blanket and just go to sleep
whatever...

i think i'm mad
i chopped off my tresses!
i cut my fringe,
i changed my parting,
i cut my hair til the longest part is at my shoulder
and my hair is almost black
cos the dyed parts are all chopped off!

well tressa said i look really diff
i think so too
but after the wax kinda wore off
then i look like im a flat piece of pan cake

i just had this urge to cut my hair cos
i am SOOOO stressed
:(
i havent done my history essay
which is due tom evening 1600hrs
i have planned it of course but im going nowhere

haiz

anyway
something to be really happy abt~
he called me just now!
haha
just when i was missing him a lot
really miss him a lot a lot..
and his calls really cheered me up!
made me smile
he's my dearest boy who can cheer me up
even tho my long long hair is gone

abit xin tong.. :(

thanks tressa for going with me to cut hair!
haha
aiyah, new look lah hor
like i told dear,
i look pretty ugly now..
a big improvement from wat i was
hoho!

i just came back from yan's wedding...
many thoughts on it..
hmmm she looked really gorgeous in the gown
makes me wanna get married too
haha, just a silly thought of mine
looking at all the money, work, time, effort involved in a wedding, *faints*
but i'd really like to look beautiful for the one and only time of my life.
*day dreams*

guess im kinda apprehensive about weddings... looking at the marriages in my family..it just gets scary..i tink thats y my 4th sis isnt married yet.. and she doesnt plan to..

oh well
i got back and i scrubbed off all the make up on my face
yes, i wore a skirt and put make up! hoho!
=)
i feel so happy tt my face is squeaky clean and my pores can breathe!
i never was so happy with a clean face..
haha..
i hate removing the mascara.. it just sticks to my lashes.. despite all the eye make up remover
and it just stains my eye lids..
thank goodness it didnt stain them when i was at the wedding dinner
haha.. and i mixed my own eye shadow colour.. haha..
i was feeling kinda creative today..
=) yes, i m gushing over make up.. sigh.. the things weddings do to me...

it was a nice wedding, beautiful and simplistic..

really nice wedding album..

maybe, some day..

just smsed him that i really miss him.. at 1230 am which is like 230 am over there in aussie..
really miss the warmth of his hands
sigh.

i miss him! he wanted me to stick out my tongue this time, instead of him all the time =) i miss our pillow fights where me or him would just happen to fall from the bed.. and both of us would just start laughing nonstop.. =)

i'm crushed and i cant breathe
cos the exams are coming
im tired
even thinking of it makes me tired :(

Theatre Studies play production on 21 April
oh no...
=(
i hope this time i can go back into directing...
i miss directing really much
its an adrenaline rush that gets me going and makes me happy..
its like my candy treat!

and i feel so blur..
i think i must rest enough to start on mugging for the exams
which will start next week

this week i shall focus on history termpaper and german revision
sigh

im inspired by the show i watched
lemony snickett: a series of unfortunate events
such a nice heart warming show
poignant, sweet and touching
it made me tear
i had to *sniff* in the droplets of tears
*touched*

if you get there before i do,
dont give up on me
i'll see u when my chores are thru,
i dont know how long i'll be

but i'm not gonna let u down
darling wait and see
and between now and then,
until i see u again,
i'll be loving you

love, me

its 11:15 pm and in singapore's time,
=) its still happy 22 mths
yup
im the last to wrap up purple monster
since u are the first to wish me that
since ur time in aussie is 2 hrs faster
wish i could spend this anniversary with him as well
but im gonna jus make do with it =)
cos im sure he knows
i miss him all the same!

this weekend supposed to have been a busy time
doing work right?

hmmm in the end i ended up spending two whole days with my family
ok, maybe my work wasnt done
but i think it was quality time well spent.

yup,
izzy..u got tonnes of work to go
and plus,
her wedding is this sunday
hmmm
what to get for her?

and yups, happy 22nd month to my dearest purple monster!!
love u all the same!
all ways, always ;)

love, me

woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!
woooo hooo!
this crazy week is over! =D
the best thing that can happen to me
in this mad mad week,
i completed 2 term papers,
1 german test, 1 german conversational test,
(3hrs) tuition for two consecutive days,
and a total of tuition everyday from 7-9 or 5-8..
got back horrendous tests marks
fell sick
felt stressed

finally its over!!
woot!! =)

ich habe nicht Freizeit (i have no free time)
in this Woche (week)
to even sleep..
slept like max 4 hrs everyday? :(

today's German conversational test was scarrry
i ended up stuttering during my individual self intro :(
but it went smoothly as me and derek tried to get into our characters
as much as we could
i had to mess it up by being less confident
and almost tripping over my all famous line in the end:
Oh, schon fast drei Uhr. Enschuldigt, aber ich muss jetzt gehen. Mein Chineisischkurs beginnt!
(Oh, its three already! Sorry, but i must leave now. My Chinese lesson starts!)

*argh*
after painstakingly coming up with 5 conversations for 5 diff scenarios
feel so drained out
i really hope Frau Ritter finds our conversation gut. (good)

well, isabelle, rest tonight.
rest as much as u can

cus
from saturday onwards
u got:

history term paper
german catching up
lit textS to be read
german vocab test coming up
german semester test 2 coming up
TS readings (one whole stack)
and
Soci gruppe project presentation

*arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
-pulls all my hair out-

=(

Ich liebe nicht das Wochenende!
(I hate this Weekend!)

this really crazy week has taken its toll on me
i'm down
sick le =(
dragged my soles. my soul. my body.
to school today,
first lesson of lit.
i figured i had to be there.. so yup, i was there
concentrating
on my german genus und vokabel
after spending eons on it
i blanked out at the test

sigh.

then i got a grand total of 61.6 for my german semester test.
considering i only came back to school from the whole week of wake,
and having the test straightaway the next day,
it is quite okay le.
and the whole level's average was 55.
so i guess
i should be thankful i didnt fail
many thanks to derek who helped me out with german
if not, my hair would have all been pulled out by me le,
in my frustration to verstehen Deutsch (understand German).

straight after german at 12,
i staggered home in my utmost starvation, haha
and just konked out in bus 183..
den reached home at 1 to eat a little
then i woke up at 4... in time for 3 hrs of tuition

felt horrible with a bad flu, drowsy, woosie~ness, cold
and all that
and all the maths questions fired at me made it worst
i think i would have puked all my blood out
i know i shld be more patient but what can i do when i keep repeating long long workings for maths problems twice, thrice,
and the girl looks at me and says, ' huh?'

*gobbles up the girl*

*argh*

and german conversational test tomorrow..

when is this horrendous week ever, ever gonna end?

german test is driving me mad
i am studying but grasping air..
full of GERMs now.. cos i am studying GERMan.. get it?
argh.. forget it
i am nuts

sometimes i wonder if i shld agree with wat he said..

german.. :(

german test tom.
man, i am dead tired
never ever have i been so tired..
its triply (actually, the word is thrice =D ) tiring
when u go to school
u face tests, assignments, long dry lectures
nonsense
crappy stuff
then i go for tuition and its 3 hours straight.
its killing me
:(

then when i reach home i just feel so tired and unmotivated
when i stare at my notes
yes, there's german test tom
ich bin sehr dead. (I am so dead)
thats how bad my german is
and how i dont feel like even touching it

where can i ever ever find the motivation

sigh...

its another long day tml

sch

tuition

go home

finish work

its a nasty viscious cycle

someday,

yes someday,

i will fly away.

with broken wings and all.

i felt a little down today.
maybe it was the weather.
maybe it was the fact tt i slept real late and woke up almost late
maybe it was just grouchy ol' me

maybe it was the tuesdays
9- 6, then 730 - 9
its killing me
im lagging behind so much work
and i am so
tired
t i r e d
physically, emotionally, psychologically
even my little toes are tired
*wriggles little tired toes*

its 253 am
and i am so proud to say i finished my lit essay
i never tot i could finish by tonight
=)
perserverance and determination does work after all
and throw in dark eyes rings
im beginning to look like im the bear from China.

one lit assignment down, one german project down,
one german test tom, one german oral exam on friday, one history paper to go
add a lot of catching up on work to go
and lots of sleep
i need rest
i need a break
i need a breather

i want to fly~
can u bring me to fly?

today i chose a long bus ride home
after german gruppe meeting

i took 183
i love long bus rides when im feeling down

in the midst of dozing off
and trying to feel the beauty of the bus ride
a fuzzy warm feeling hit me

and i knew i wanted to go home and hug my family.

i wanted to snuggle all the little nephews and nieces
to hold them and hug them
and to tell them
i always love them

and to hug my mum
hold her wrinkly hands
appreciate every morsel of the food she cooks
praise her for her excellent cooking
hug her from behind

i need all my family.
and i love them.

finally back home.
went to my bro in law's cousin's (ron) home in Banyan with my family..
we had a nice heartwarming bbq as a get together
then me, my 4th sister, ah boon, ron and ron's brother kenn decided to stay and chit chat while the little kids scurried home with my mum, my 2nd sis and 3 rd sis
while the more quote, unquote "havoc" ppl stayed behind
and so kenn drove us back
den my sis and i took our clothes, took bath and just went to ron's place
then we watched ''sideways'' at cineleisure at 245am
almost fell asleep
was too slow
didnt like it
sexual humour was too explicit i felt
not that i am a old conservative monster
it was crude
i am so surprised by myself =)
anyway
we got back at 5
all of us k.o
slept til 11
den my mum they all came over
then we swam from 1-5
my skin all wrinkly
i feel like a raisin
a sunburnt raisin at that =)

had curry fishhead at taman jurong
nice ending to the weekend escapade

its amazing and ironic how my bro-in-law's death
brings us together
strangers
or near strangers
who have never met since
10 yrs?
or whenever necessary.. so n so's wedding

but we are a family
now

and when my 2nd sis and her sons alight
wave to us
while we are in the car

i see my bro-in-law
beside them
waving back
melancholic because he can never be part of this family physically
but assured because his wife and children will never be alone or uncared for.

its been almost 2 weeks
it feels so unreal
he has never left our side

i see the smiles
those which light up his eyes
i see the wrinkly edges of his eyes
i see the hand which gestured ''good'' before he went for his 3rd op
i see his tears in his eyes before he died

i see him in us.
his strength
his love
his jovial spirit.

rest in peace Kor Kor.

haiz
should i stay should i go is the name of a Dreamz FM song which i like very much

i am not thinking of leaving my dear

i am just feeling down cos of academic laggingness and my bro in law
thats why im listening to sad songs

thats all
haiz

haiz
should i stay should i go is the name of a song by Dreamz FM
I am not thinking of anything about leaving my dear

i am just feeling melancholic and am constantly listening to sad songs
thats all

i feel stressed out in life academically..
and i miss my brother in law
thats all

look closer at the picture
the girl in it
the bright cheery smile
look beyond the facade
see the hurt in her eyes
see the pain in her weary smile
see the loss in her heart

she hasnt been herself since he left
she pushes it out of her mind
she feels herself slipping deeper into the abyss
she just allows herself to fall

all she wants is a hug

she cant be back to normal
she cant smile like before
she cant

hug me please.

the fumes that intoxicate me
the smiles that charm me
the words that make sense

he's gone.
he left us, 6:52 pm on 28 feb 2005

his eyes were dilated that morning 5:30 am,
his responses stopped
he slipped into coma.

at 5:30 am
i sat by his side,
used the once-used moisturizer
massaged his dry skin,
held his fingers
while tears kept rolling down
they kept flowing down
like
endless rain.

5 days before,
i saw the edges of his lips curve
as I showed him our family photos
him, my sis, his sons,
my mum, me and my sisters and other bro-in-laws
i saw his nod of acknowledgement
and the smile
that moved my heart.

i fed him water,
i touched his loving hands
i taught him to move his reflexes
i patted his chest
i touched his legs
i tickled his toes
i kissed his hands and forehead
i wiped away his tears
i massaged his shoulders

before he was in a coma
he suddenly responded to us even tho one of his eyes couldnt open
as compared to before,
where he couldnt hear or understand us,
this time
from 26-27 feb,
i told him he was gonna get well
we were gonna bring him home
he nodded
=)

i told him he was the best brother and father in the world
i wanted him to be well and see me graduate in 2 yrs time
see me get married and be my wedding witness
since he had seen me grown up since i was 4
i thanked him for being the best in the world
and i want him to be reincarnated in our family again

we loved him like our blood brother

he will be my only kor kor
the best one i have ever had.

goodbye kor kor,
u were the best
and i will always love and miss you.

thank you for loving us
like we were ur real blood family
thank you for teaching us to live and love as a family
we will never ever forget you.

we collected ur bones,
they were reddish and broken
too much medication
kor kor, u were in pain
u no longer are suffering
we will all pray for you
we will all miss you.

i love you.

haiz. life is so so vulnerable.
my uncle just passed away.
so sudden
i'm not close to him
but that doesnt mean it doesnt affect me any lesser

trouble doesnt just come singularly

do u know i teared when i reached ttsh to visit my brother in law after soci test?
i teared
my heart broke when i saw how his condition wasnt as good as i had seen 2 days before
he is like my father.
he is a father to me

he love me like his very own daughter
since i was 4
he brought me along on dates with my 2nd sister
bought me toys
let me sit in his car
let me felt love from a brother and father like him
like a brother or father i never had

i just want him to recover
be ok
get well
he is so young

i would give anything for that,
even my life.

can someone please
please
hold my hand
and bring me away from all these?
i cant cope
i just need someone to come over
hold my hand
wipe away my tears
take me away.
far away.
i'm not as strong as i thought i'd be.

hmmm. ok. here i am. on a sunday evening.
smelling the food my 4th sis is cooking (!!!)
urgh
i feel like im a two yr old being ordered around by her.
she feeds me non stop. non stop.
that means, she actually places food in front of me and insists tt i eat them.
thank goodness she does that with fruits.
sometimes some snacks too.
but its
bossing me around!! telling me wat to do..
argh

okay,
just to update..
my brother-in-law condition, according to the latest scan,
isn't good.
between 1 - 1.5 yrs to live.
he cant articulate himself
all of a sudden from looking pretty good after the third op.
he cant remember names.
i really hope that his health improves real soon
therapy and readjusting him socially is definitely not a worry on our minds.

term break coming up.
i'll be in ttsh studying beside his bed to accompany him whilst my sis goes in search of a nursing home for him.
it breaks my heart to see him this way,
and as much as tears try not to flow
i sniff them in quietly
and put on my cheeriest grin as i smile at him
hold his hand reassuringly,
patting the skin
and telling him tt he must get well
tho i know he cant hear very well
and he doesnt quite understand words now.

but i guess the book that lulu gave me to read really helps
tells me abt medical pessimism
and how we just cant let him feel that way
its a blessing he doesnt know how dim the path lies ahead.
but it's not gonna be this way
with lots of love and care from us
i believe
we believe
he's gonna get better
=)
yup!~

and lets see..
i got ts make up prac on tues?
fri soci test
lagging behind german
until i feel like pulling out my hair
:(
whatever
isabelle!!
u gotta hang in there
cap 5.0!
wahahaha

it feels like
a shiny tip crushed into the fragile
layer of flesh
the crack.
it trickles out,
then seeps out,
then gushes out.
pull away the silver
a ch e,
gives up and shoves it back in.

Your hands, carressing my hair
stopped my heart,
took away my breath.
Never thought u would have the chance to hold me again,
i didnt expect ur soft hands
on my hair
telling me to take care and apologize for not being here for next 4 years.

this touch spoke more to me than anything else.
i will be with u all ways, always.

my bro in law was hospitalized this morning, after he fainted at jurong east interchange.
sometimes, i really dont want to think abt it.
you dont want to know how fragile life is.
when u sit outside A n E, u see ambulances pass by in front of ur eyes.
stretchers hurriedly ushered in, paramedics looking calm yet tinges of a certain melancholy felt from their eyes.
how do u respond to the fact that the closest person u have to a father and brother is facing such health problems, and yet AGAIN u can do nothing. and i mean nothing.
how frail life becomes.
limp, vulnerable and just
so
impt?
why do good ppl always suffer?
there's a reason why i dont wanna think abt the fact tt if he is lucky.. he can live up to..
i dont wanna go there.
as i sit with my sis,
i just catch myself hating the financial trap we all r in
why an ill person still has to work.

i rethought thru my decision not to straight away pursue my social work professional degree in these three years as i stared at the Family Counselling Room, i know I could be sitting in there if I wanted to.
but look at me,
im in no financial position to do so.
so i chose to try for a teaching awaRd,
hopefully i can move up my CAP score up to a 4.3
and take subjects like lit and history
get a bond
teach for four years..which is what i want but not for a lifetime
and then do a postgrad dip in social work
meanwhile i cant do Things like soci or theatre for major
what can u complain abt when u want a better life?

always wanted to write a novel/play.
have been writing since 12
what would u say
if i could just stop being myself
and write as i may
til good and bad health?

haha.
bad attempt at poems.
but then.

i dont know.
i feel so repressed.
i've got so many things i wanted to do.
believe me,
i wanna do dance, art, fashion design, hair styling, theatre, directing, acting, writing
crap
isabelle,
stop dreaming.
u arent talented
not talented in those senses anyway.

if u have realised i am just rambling my tangential thoughts.
aye.
1 month and 1 day closer
u are leaving for aussie
i'm not gonna focus on how sad its gonna be
but i know that i wanna make sure its the best 32 days left.

its been so long since i last updated..
time to move my rotting wriggly fingers..
haha..
merry xmas to everyone!! :)
its xmas xmas xmas~~ lala..
darn.. tml results coming out sure very jia lart..
hopefully.. i get to do well enough to be eligible for the
student exchange programme..
have been working real hard in the one month...
let's see.. i worked as a booth promoter in Suntec City to distribute theSuntec REIT IPO prospectus from 29 nov to 2 dec... under Panaroma Concepts..
den worked for one day for Pan Pacific for a promoter for wine tasting.. learned abt wines like Souvignon, Chardonnay.. the correct pronunciation, that is.
then at Women's Fair at Suntec (again!!!) from 15-19 dec for Simply Spa.. I made s0o many friends and learned so much abt beauty, spa, ear candling etc...
working part time at Gone Fishing.. do go there and support!! :) i'll make sure u get extra portions of food!! =D wahaha..
but i love that place.. it calms me when i have the worst days.. working there makes me feel part of a lovely family..
working so much has been a real eye opener...
guess im working hard to take my mind off stuff, to support myself also hopefully for my SEP..
i wanna go away from this place, far far away...

a C,
a curve that doesnt make my lips curve
i feel so stupid
a C for an essay I really really tried my best
maybe i was never as cut out for lit as i thought i can be
i am just hopeless.everyone gets it
why cant i?
a C
an ugly scrawl etched on my heart

i feel like i know nothing
i feel like i am going to F my lit
havent read two of the plays,
dont understand concepts
i am not going to make it.

the long thin roll of paper wedged btwn ur fingers

the breathes taken in
betweenthesmoke
intoxicates me

but it makes me long for more

the eyes
with the edges which curl up
when you smile

curls up the edges of my lips as well.

i will never forget the beautiful twinkling in your eyes

its out of reach
and i know
this liminality only hurts both of us bad.

maybe it was for the best

but whats always the best doesnt always make people happy, do they?

do they?

everything ok?

After all the pain I've been put thru,
This is like a fresh new shower of bless
I know it's not gonna last long
I know we wont be together for long

And I know everything has changed
But I still hope
That I am still
Your ben nu hai.
Am I still?

Words may hurt
But sometimes what is not said but felt
Is worst.

I cant tell myself to believe that it wont happen again
just dont tear me apart again.
I can walk away from it all
but you will never be able to see my tears at all.
Maybe it's because u are too stoned to see it
Or maybe,
just maybe
I wont ever let u see another teardrop of mine

Maybe this way
this makes our leaving easier
Easier for you
cos you wont see how hard it is for me
how heartbreaking

and for me?
my heart will cry.

dont speak.
my eyes have gone dry from tears;
its a desert
a deserted desert
where u no longer are interested.

no matter how hard u try,
ur life is too complicated and u are just not in the mood
no matter how hard i try,
i am just a burden to u consciously or not,
and i just am like
something else to you.

ben nu hai?
lulu? dear?
whats all that when u dont need me anymore to make ur life worse off?

dont tell me
dont speak dont say its cos u cannot offer me anything
u know i dont need u to offer me anything
u just want to delve into all this
and be alone
feel that ur life is crashing
feel that nothing matters
not even me,
who is worth just a few dots
...

just that.
there's no use telling u
u are neglecting my feelings
it just gives u more stress
so here i will
wilt and peel
until the day u think u have had enough of me
and u think that u worry u will no longer love me
or i need things that u cant provide

then that is the day
everything just ends

right now,
i am just ur chesspiece
helpless
vulnerable
every single thing is in ur control
and
you are tearing apart my heart.

cos u never spare a thought for me.

my eyes cant open.

the aching feeling
when u cant stop something from happening
when ur eyes are so wide open
u know what is happening

u try to stop it

but u know u are just too tired
too stretched thin
too used to it
too disappointed

previously u tried so hard
does it matter?

my dad's bicycles. he's gone, but i kept them safe by my side.

downstairs.

i walked on the very same spot
where your body was.
do you remember?
i used to see images of you
in my head
u lay there peaceful
at home
no longer in pain

and i always avoided stepping on the spot
your peaceful body lay.

today, i almost stepped on it
i lifted my foot in time
and i remembered you
just like i always do.

i love you.
even though you are far far away.

and you know i always miss you.
no matter how far you are.

*the entry dedicated to my father who has left my side since 24 sept 2002*

in the air.

breathe the air,
see the green leafy emergence?
the fir like shapes
the shiny bells that hurt your eyes
the ones you love to touch
to feel the curves
to see another little girl grinning toothily back?

christmas is here
the spirit is here
love is here, actually
love is all around.

love, actually
makes christmas all so beautiful
the tingles on your skin,
does it make u love christmas even more?

the times u sat by the mannequins,
wondering if they were real and
trapped in bodies and never able to move?
their eyes so cold yet warm with calls of help to emerge from this freezing cold
where u could stare at women
prowling the aisles of the shoes or clothes department
and never saw urself there?

yet, now
u hold his hands
stroll lazily down the aisles
of the same departments
with mannequins looking real
really trapped, but now you know the truth

but christmas coming
feels much fresher
more beautiful
u know u will never be lonely
watching as the night falls
feeling love
but not loved
and christmas becomes just another day.

this year,
christmas smells fresh
and u just want to waltze with him
under the mistletoe and share a kiss.
or even
just hold him in the midst of orchard road
feel his warmth
amongst the hustle and bustle of people.
many people,
but just the two of you
exist.

love, actually
is beautiful.
=)

words dont mean a thing.

In the midst of
Kisses
The breaths in between
You don't have to say
A thing.

I love you,
But you don't have to say ''I love you too''
That's because.
I want you to listen
Let the words sink
Ocean deep
Into the crust of your heart
Let it sink

You never have to say a word
Never had to answer
What I stated or asked
I know what it will be

Just the silent nod
And the sound of your breathing
Takes away my breath.

the rolling of the thunder ii

the sky grumbles,
a loud rumbling like that of a hungry stomach,
light flare across the sky.

the coldness embraces her,
she embraces the coldness,
she feels warm and happy.

the warmth of the skin
felt with the clasping of the hands together,
makes the cold more bearable.

the sight of the all too familiar beautiful eyes,
the touching of the skin
the unconditional, occasionally moody, smiles

the way the eyes light up,
the hugs the hands that bring her closer to him
the familiar concern and care

the thunder?
only makes her love, his love
their love stronger.

the thunder,
where they can hold on tight and
go through the cold together.

she loves the thunder.

rolling of the thunder

hear the growling of the thunder
deep menacing and fierce
makes her tremble with coldness and loneliness

the shining of the bright sky
with that loud growl
and the shooting colour of the split of the sky

she feels cold,
lonesome
and naked without cover

maybe across the country
someone is sleeping soundly sweetly
with a soft blanket on his angelic body

curled up to the right,
sleeping peacefully,
oblivious to the roars of the night sky.

suddenly, a flash of light
FLASHES across the sky
she jerks, and trembles

it may be cold
but she wishes to cover someone more
than she wants to be covered

thinking of his warmth
his hands, his hugs
giving off his unconditional love and care

the thunder cries louder,
the roars fiercer
the growls deeper

she looks at the sky and smiles.
she will get to hug him soon.

even though it is thunderous in their relxnship now.

Grumpy


You feel worn out, physically and mentally.
Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I
f only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.
You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offense for the slightest reason.

You are feeling helpless. The fact that you are unable to control events that are going on around you is subjecting you to considerable stress. This can, if not relieved, cause muscle spasms or hypertension. It would seem that you are, for whatever the reason, being subjected to intolerable pressures. The complete environment would appear to be hostile. It would also seem that you are being driven against your will.

You feel - and perhaps quite rightly so - that unreasonable demands are made of you but more to the point you feel as if you are powerless to control the situation or protect yourself in any way. At this time you feel utterly helpless.
The tensions and stresses that you are experiencing at this time are, you feel, beyond your capabilities or your reserves of strength to cope with.

You feel inadequate and in a constant state of anxiety. You are attempting to escape from this situation into a secure environment in which you may be permitted to relax and recover, free from outside interference.

weekend

met up with the ogl ppl to pj openhse
it was sad
ppl were there,
but u couldnt smell the fresh air
the vibrant pulsating of the Pioneer heartbeats
taste the Pioneer spirit

even the mass dance wasnt the same anymore

but i guess things change
when u are not in it
dont they?

guess they do

was contemplating k box last nite
which did materialise
it was a whopping huge amt of $27 but
i do think it was money well spent (read: BUT too expensive!!)
for the company
the huge roars of laughters brought abt steve and his antics
the screaming of those love songs
and the crapping

maybe it didnt get to the personal level
which i sure wasnt comfy with some ppl
but i did have a good time

we ended up tonning with some 7-11 food at the empty seats near old S-11 food court
was awake until everyone dispersed for cabs, first buses
in fact
felt like i was a walking zombie

managed to reach home
catch as many winks as i could
and perhaps nourish as many yawns i lost
woke up at like 1215 pm to meet jihae and belle

it was kinda awkward initially but the neoprints just broke the ice
it was a good day
well spent,
tho not on term papers
but i am going to miss jihae
she is a sweet, good natured and down to earth girl

humble and simple,
thats what is so likeable

the irony of ppl,
the older we get
the more scheming/cunning we get
when we are supposed to be more wise and well informed
whatever irony is that..
just felt it was growing up that turns us into monsters

i am learning to not depend on him
and just handle my own problems
he has enough problems
and i do not need to tell him everything anymore
i think it will suit him better too

i think i am sulking behind my computer screen
and it makes me just want to
just sleep away the pain
or watever is left

i never believed in sleeping away problems
but i guess u taught me how to
and see where we are going..

frustrated

i try not to get affected by the things he says
or the things that happen
i try to tell myself everything will be ok
and i dont have to worry
that even if i were to send him a sweet sms
it would just be pacification to him

it just makes me feel like i cant even make a relxnship work
i can listen, care and even try to cheer u up
but u are just too caught up in it
that whatever i do
it just seems unconnected and unneeded

if i were to just let u be
to u, wouldnt it just be me
not interested
if i were to be upset u are so nonchalent and generous with your ''ok...''
because u cannot be 'bothered'
it would just seem like
i am easily upset again

i dare say i am living my life properly without hanging in the air for you
but why is it that that there's this bitter aftertaste
even when i feel exasperated with all these?

even tho we just feel so pissed
and even annoyed
and ''pointless''
maybe the tot of just ending it all does flicker in ur mind,
maybe even mine

but why is there a bitter aftertaste in my mouth?
a deep
pulsating
gashing
pain
thumping
hurting
throbbing?
like a sorethroat.
painful and hard
bitter and just


nothing can describe it.

the silence is deafening

the silence is deafening.

this is one of the times i have so much thoughts to pour
we all need quiet moments
even if its extremely late,
and i am so tired
i just want to stay online.
so much to say.

what isnt urs is always the most beautiful and precious

white chicks was hilarious
though i watched it already
watching it again did make this week seem less worse
enough of procrastinating,
i am supposed to do work
and finish my drafts for my two term papers :(
sat with openhouse, sunday with ji hae
thats it..
*throws trouble to the back of my mind*

think i am really lost..
but i wanna find my way
and it seems simple.
but difficult.

turmoil,
beautiful
beautiful strangers,
the shadows lurking
in the murky shadows of the moonlight
wavering
trembling
laughter spills out
overflowing
captured by the stillness of the night
rousing of some sleepers
silence

---

and then for a while,
u see
no more shadows
some stubs on the floor
some lost smiles and chuckles
some lost falters of laughters
some spills

no more.

the twinkling fire

the twinkling fire

the reservoir
the beauty
the twinkling lights
still as beautiful

but u cant look over there
out of reach,
dont lift your hand.
dont try to touch it
or even finger the outlines of it


cos
it is too beautiful when it is not yours
and it will never be yours again.