Tranquility

There is a sense of calm brewing inside me (can calmness be brewed, actually?), and it's like waiting for the time to slowly tick away.

One by one, the leaves break away from the twigs they belong to, and descend into free fall from the grasp which they once felt secured.

I never once got affected when this seasonal change happened -

maybe because I was, deliberately, too distant?

Once you let the doorway open slightly and allow the light to slowly permeate through, the beam of light indeed makes you wonder -

ironically, not whether the world out there is very much different;

but rather when will the season of change blow in your face?

Maybe it's hard to tell when your eyes have become misty.


Puzzled,
Belle

The sky is clear...

Photo credits: http://cullogo.com

...for now.

The specialist has cleared that:

I'm not going blind,
yet.

The good news is that - my corneas have been badly worn out and they need rest, pronto.
So the specialist has given me 5 types of medications for me to squeeze (urgh!) into my eyes and for me to take as much rest and avoid glares from the sun/the computer screen/the ipad/iphone/i-whatever.

The bad news is that - I thought it was my left eye acting up - but no, both my eyes are now crying for help as they have multiple holes and it's making my life very tough.

2 weeks more to a 2nd appointment - meanwhile, I am thankful that the hypochondriac me wasn't correct in self-diagnosing my symptoms as something more serious!

Here's hoping my eyes recover speedily after 10 years of abuse :(

Blurry-eyed,
Belle

Counting my blessings

      Image credits: http://apogeelearning.blogspot.sg

Shortly past my 28th birthday, a few unpleasant things have happened, especially my health, and I was really getting a little too upset about them.

I have been having sleepless nights and the health issue is the one spooking me most. The other issues are transcendent, and will be gone very soon.

It seems like I have been taking for granted what I have been blessed with -my most prized possession yet I don't know what the doctor's diagnosis will be tomorrow. In fact, it hurts like mad while I type this... but write this, I must. Fatalistic thoughts? Maybe. Maybe it's the thought of write-now-in-case-I-never-have-the-mood/chance-to-type-anymore after tomorrow's specialist's visit. But anyway, I digress.

I shall not be focusing on the misery this health scare is giving me, but instead let me be thankful for the love I have received, quietly from loved ones around me.

This afternoon after an appointment with a client, I really could not work anymore, and Dan called me to check if I was alright and to tell me about the coincidence that he had a site appointment at the private apartment that my office building shares. So my GM kindly granted me off to rest and I quickly shoved my belongings into my superwonder bag (which can contain almost everything you can imagine) and rushed down to find Dan.

I was visibly tired and strained from the long day I had, and still quite pre-occupied with the pain I was experiencing. Dan told me he was at the 7-11 nearby and would join me shortly.

If you know me well, you probably know I am extremely impatient, short-tempered and emotionally demanding, and all these exponentially increase when I am ill or stressed.

So I told myself while waiting beside his vehicle that I must hang tight and not faint and not be easily irritable.

I saw Dan and Nick (his best friend) crossing the road, and I noticed nothing but perspiration on Dan's forehead while they ran towards me.

Dan passed me what he bought for me - my favourite cup noodles that would definitely cheer me up and that he knew that I would be resting on the couch on his office and that would (1) fill my tummy despite my lack of appetite and (2) cheer me a little.

I didn't have to try - my face lit up immediately.

The best things in life are the simplest - I don't need a branded bag or a luxurious ride, and Dan knows that.

It's been 5 years since we are together - and as we all know, falling in love is so much easier than staying in love despite all odds.

It has not been easy for him especially this 1 year + with his new business, where he doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, doing the ground work with his boys, doing all he can to save that extra for his company - and these are what makes me so proud of him.

I am happy to just snuggle up at the couch in his office when he works overtime, and I can just play my games or read online news, while he places his towel on my legs when it gets too cold, and he will remember to check on me and keep apologising for making me wait for him.

The truth is, I don't mind waiting, and I don't care that he may be sweating at the end of the day. All I want is to tell him that I love him and I am so proud of him for being so brave and so determined, even when the going gets tough.

The truth is, I am happy enough to be able to soak in the silence while his fingers go frantically typing away, or to fall asleep in the couch while he works overtime, because I know I am safe.

The truth is, I am blessed to have had the privilege to be on this journey with him, because he is my best friend whom I share my deepest (and nastiest) thoughts at the end of everyday, and we always enjoy a hearty laugh when he pokes fun at me when I am very pissed off with him. I appreciate the late night talks we have about life, and how we both learn so much everyday - I learn to be less grumpy and less of a control freak while he learns to be more meticulous and sensitive, and while we both are clumsy in our own ways, I know we try, together. And that's what matters.

3 nights ago, he started running a high fever with the onslaught of flu, and that was when you can see his jovial side disappear and him becoming quieter (and of course, feverish).

I stayed by his side (amidst joking that I was burning my weekends away), and while he was drifting in and out of sleep after his medications, I was looking at him intently and I was thankful.

Thankful that I had him to worry about, thankful that I had him to look forward to sharing our favourite moments jovially when he got well, thankful that I had him to hold even when he was warm with fever.

Tomorrow is the doctor's diagnosis for me, and I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst. It's not life and death, yet (?) but the hypochondriac me is practically having panic attacks all over, in my head.

I know that tonight is another night I will not get good sleep, but I know that at least I have him to be by my side, no matter what.

Just like what happened when I first told him the probable diagnosis - he said nothing first and hugged me tight knowing that for that first second, that was the most important thing I needed.


Loved,
Belle

In the blink of an eye...

 

(photo credits: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue_candles_on_birthday_cake.jpg)

... I'm turning 28, in 1 hours' time.

How time flies - especially how after graduation, the world outside was menacing and unkind, throwing challenges at me when I was still trying my best to grasp hold of reality and adapt to a whole new world, outside of my very sheltered undergraduate life.

On hindsight (where vision is always 20/20), being an undergraduate was the best blessing where the only worries were about being able to score for the modules with midnight-oil burned essays and too many late nights with prata at Foong Seng and MacDonald's breakfasts.

It's been a long 5 years since 2008 - and things have turned out to be far better than I ever thought it would be.

I may not have had held onto a job for 5 years straight after graduation, but my little feats of exploring different industries (airline, government, banking and shipping) actually help me narrow my interests and passion into a handful. I have a problem; I am always too hyperactive and I cannot keep still. I always want to do a lot of things, but I only have 1 lifetime. Like what my good friend said before, "Belle, you need more than 7 lifetimes to do all you want to do". 

But having taken up different roles has really opened up my eyes. Of course, I'm not as rich or holding a senior position as I'd hope to be/do when I first graduated, but I have come to realise that life is more of a journey of self-realisation and self-actualisation than a series of signpost that I had always forced myself to achieve.

It has been a tiring 5 years journey where it kicked off with so many ups and downs, turmoils and tears... but now I am happy to say that I'm very contented with what Life has given to me.

 

 However, I do acknowledge that my path has been much smoother than many have experienced, and listening to their stories make me feel more human and more appreciative of the blessings I have, and how I'd do my best to be there for these friends.  

I've been very blessed with a small group of friends who love me, and have protected me, listened to me and encouraged me in such difficult times - and it is also not the quantity (ie. how many millions of friends one has, but really the ones that really count).

I've also been blessed with a partner who has been extremely sweet despite his new start up and prepared a surprise birthday party at a villa with a private pool, with a proposal in front of my closest friends.

I cannot ask for more :)

 

Before I turn 28 proper, this is a small note myself to count all my blessings that I have received, with the little resources I have, all only possible with my family, friends and partner. We are looking at receiving our flat around middle next year, I am looking forward to starting the wedding preparations with Dan, my online shop is kicking off together with a few other brainchilds where I can see light coming through...I have my family who always loves me for who I am no matter where I go wrong...

Happy birthday to me!