To be or not to be?

Did some real thinking today after watching 15
and i really realised that I have to get down to thinking
about what i was gonna do after i graduated

i wanted to be teacher
partly cos i really like teaching
but mostly because i really feel the need to connect to youngsters
that was the reason why i chose to take up the teaching award

but part of me gave it up cos
i was not sure i was going to stay in singapore then
as i was in a previous long term relationship
where he was not gonna stay in singapore
maybe i thought too far, too ahead


and partly cos i was really interested to take up a job in the corporate world or in
events management
to discover what i was really supposed to be good for
i wanted to graduate first and just find myself


but after i gave up the teaching award
i stopped myself from thinking about it
cos it made me guilty that i chose to give it up

i watched roystan tan's 15 just now
and it brought up waves of feelings in me
that i knew
deep down
i really really still want to be a counsellor
to the young people
in neighbourhood schools

i dont look down on them
in fact, i sort of grew up with them
when i was in a supposedly prestigious secondary school
where my fellow school mates were seemingly pursuing these academic goals
but i felt like there was something more to life

and so,
in the arcades
me and my besties from rv
just hung around
i observed the lives of the people who came from the neighbourhood schools
their lives were more than just doing well
they had real worries,
maybe they just didnt do well in school
but they were human
they were real.
maybe i was just biased against ppl in my school
but i felt they could never understand how the neighbourhood kids felt
neither could i
i could never
but i wanted to.

and now as i grow up
and look fondly back at the times
where we would just sit and chat
and look at some of them smoke
drink
and possibly live their lives 'decadently' as people would seem to feel
i wish i could talk to them

and now,
i feel that calling again
getting stronger and deeper
that i really really want to do social work
or even teach them

i dont want to teach in a prestigious good school
cos i know i have nothing to offer them
they are bright kids

but i know i want to share
i want to listen to the kids who feel noone cares
i want to feel
i want to help
i want them to know people do care.

the cases of people i have seen
cutting themselves
hurting themselves
being in crowds but still being alone
crying out but noone hears
make me feel very sad.

i know people think that i cant do anything much
maybe people will laugh at my dreams
but i so believe in the starfish story
i cant save all the starfish on the beach
but if i pick them one by one,
at least one will be saved.

and similarly for the kids
i dont expect me to dramatically change their lives
but i just have this yearning to be there.

i really hope that someday,
i will know if i should pursue this calling.

Cursed.

Oh yes I am.
Cursed.
Utterly.
Totally.
I just have no luck with handing in essays on time in Newcastle.

For two consecutive times,
when I have to turn in 3000 word essays to the Sociology department here
which is about 15 mins walk away from my place
at 12pm promptly,
I always fail to make it miserably.
And thats when I have already spent a whole night toiling away and finished it abt 2 hours before the deadline.
I know, I am supposed to have prepared and done it like days before
but honestly, I dont work that way and I have so much more inspiration when I work hours before deadline.
I know, i know
i'm just plain weird.
Or maybe its just plain procrastination.

But anyway,
the first time when I went to hand in my Gene Wars essay,
I was happily proud that I was gonna be early as I went out at 11pm to print.
I went to the nearest computer cluster in my faculty and
wham!
it was closed.
And being a fresh freshie here,
I was not acquainted with other departments or faculties
but I had to scramble to other faculties
like the dreary and crreeeppy looking Engineering and Maths and Stats dept
which claimed to have computer clusters on third floor
but actually inside looked like hospital wards or psychological patients' wards
for reasons obvious,
i dont like hospitals and i hate being stuck in a foreign old dodgy and creepy place alone
in corridors and staircases i suspect there was not a single soul
and a very smart aleck me tried to be gungho and explore the place
in my desperation to hand in the brainchild of mine
grrrrr i was lost.
okay, im not known to have the best direction sense.
sigh.
and the sign stated that the com cluster was on 3rd floor
but i forgot that here in UK,
the first floor referred to 2nd floor actually for those of us who come from Singapore
simply because our first floor is their ground floor.
confused?
me too.
go figure.
sigh.

anyway
i climbed so many creepy squeaky stairs and went to wrong floors
only to have found the correct place
printed my essay
and was late for one hour.
i was so irritated because i was theoretically early until my brilliant sense of direction decided to fail me.
and so, when i had a paper to submit this morning,
i made it a point to let it not happen.

And yes, after hours of working at my paper on Sociology of work about
how understanding social divisions is vital to understanding work and how it is experienced,
i was slightly late because i overslept cos it had been a hell week
but i still rushed to the com lab that i was sure was confirmed to be free and not closed
and ta-da!
i was so proud to print my essay
and it hit me then
that i had ran out of credits
now, here they dont practise the normal standard of cash card
u are given 10 pounds to print .. and 10 pounds allowance of over draft..
after much printing in the past 2 months
i have used up i think 23.40 pounds of credit
that means i have limited my 10 pounds over draft right?
and yes, it is freaking expensive
almost 70 Sing dollars to print readings
so for those who are so lucky to be able to print notes so cheaply and without any hassle in Singapore,
pls kiss or hug your notes or something :(

back to my story,
i couldnt print anything and i was freaking out
as this essay was 50% of my term grade
and i was late late late..
it was like 12.25pm
and i tried topping up 5 pounds online
but to no avail
the printer kept gaving me blank stuff
i realised i was so clever as to not realise i had to top up for my overdraft limit!
and meanwhile before i figured that out,
i asked this british guy beside me if he could help me print and i'd pay him back
he looked kinda lost,
and when i sent my work to him THREE times via THREE emails
somehow they just didnt get thru
and he was just clueless.
sigh.
when the day gets bad,
it gets really bad
but after i topped up another 15 pounds,
8 pages of my hard work was printed.
*sweat*

and i was already 50 minutes late when i reached the department.
yes, they are that particular about deadlines
and the clerk told me curtly that the lecturer can refuse to mark my paper since it is late

whaa---aaat?

i was not gonna take that cos honestly i dont think i deserve it.
and so i went to the lecturer's office
and explained to her my condition
and she was sooooooo nice about it.
and i explained to her about my essay which went over the limit.
yeah, what's new?
sometimes i think i write too much nonsense
but i really cant keep to the limit.
bad habit i know but it is just my drive to just keep writing and present the best.
im mad.
=)

anyway the clerk was so shocked to see me when she took my paper into my lecturer's office.
haha. i felt a lil embarrassed too, cos it felt like a little weird. but i was not like pleading with her to not penalise me for the lateness, but i went to explain in the hope that she would mark my work. i am okay with being penalised, because i was late.
but i wanted my work marked.
haha, i think its my sense of pride in my work.
crazy right? shld have taken opportunity to ask her not to penalise,
but oh well, i know i am not in the position to do that, and it was not really my interest to do that.

anyway, im glad i took time to explain to her.
she surprised me with a good news that
the Erasmus (european union) exchange coordinator decided that:
exchange students are exempted from exams this time
and only have to do a max of 4000 word essays!

sounds too good to be true right?
Means for my module, Soci of identities, i only have one essay to hand in instead of an addition of 1 written exam.
And yes, the pressure is there cos it means that the essay is 100% of my grade for that module
but i dont really mind cos its on my favourite topic...
FREUD!
i can go on and on about him. i love that man. =)

and for my other module, soci of work, which i painstakingly wrote 3500 words instead of 2500-3000 words,
its actually 2 essays both 50% and each 2500-3000 words
now for us, its cut to only 3000 words (1st essay as we had already handed in when she told us this morning in the email by the erasmus coordinator) and the next essay is 1000 word.
hurray right?
but no, i think im in trouble
1000 words is probably gonna be like my intro and conclusion combined.
sigh.
where got enough space for me to write everything?
so much for being long-winded.
O.o

anyway,
its still a good twist to a sucky day.
i just wrote an email to confirm that this lucky news applies
to not just erasmus student, but normal exchange students too.
*hopes hard*
cos this means that january,
i wont have exams to worry about and can take days off to travel in uk
before i go back to Singapore.
=)

going glasgow this weekend!
will update about amsterdam.
=)

oh yups, if u guys wanna read more about our europe trip we had before going to newcastle, drop by www.escababes.blogspot.com
im supposed to be the next to update it - its long over due :)
drop me a tag there if u have read it
and enjoy the galore of pics.
europe is really a beauty.
oh no, loon is gonna say im eurocentric again haha
:D

What a nice change right.
My blog is all bright and cheery -
hasn't been like this for eons.
Its always been so dark and melancholic.
Hope it remains cheery =)
Off I go to Amsterdam already,
will blog when I am back =)

Adios amigos.
Con amor.

Eiffel Tower, revisited.

Here's a very long overdue video posting of the Eiffel Tower,
which I went to with Loon last month.



The video really doesn't do justice to the true beauty of the Eiffel Tower.
As cliched as it sounds, it is REALLY a very romantic place
but not just for lovers to meet underneath the towering guiding light
but for families and the children to gasp in delight
for friends who enjoy each other's company
or even for the individual whose soul needs some comfort and solace.
It is really a pretty sight.
Sigh. So nice =)



And last week, I went down to London with Loon to catch Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, Big Ben, London Eye and his love of his life - Arsenal's Emirates Stadium.
With the look on his face when he saw that huge huge globe sized stadium,
I can't help but feel in awe of the power of football teams.
Sadly, we were standing right outside the stadium, with no tickets and it was a big match (Arsenal vs Liverpool) and as much as we tried looking disappointed,
no touters came to look for us.
Could it be that there were so many policemen around?
I wonder WHY. ;)


And that very night Arsenal won 3-0.
Haha, imagine Loon's face.
O.o


Alright before I continue blabbering,
here is the video of Big Ben and a far far away London Eye.
Apologies for the quality - it was so cold by the river bank and my hands were shaking.
But no complaints ok, it comes fully equipped with the chiming of the Ben Ben at 9pm.
=D



We went to the London Eye but I guess all that excitement was pretty shortlived. It is pretty and u get to see a bird eye's view of London's night landscape.
But it is just very much like that.
=(
Maybe I expected too much.
Plus I have acrophobia in that London Observatory but honestly, you can hardly realise you are spinning up there cos its so-ooooo slow. But when I looked down, it was scary.
Scaredy cat me.


Its 3:15am now and another weekend...
I just finished my Spanish homework and i swear it kills me every time i do my deberes (homework) because there is just so much and I can never seem to finish it.
But the huge sense of achievement once I have completed it way before class on Monday and before I travel feels damn good.
Roars. =)


In 2 hours, I am off to Amsterdam, Netherlands, the city of vices and sins.
We have this crazy thing to travel every weekend while I still have this teeny weeny bit of time left in Europe until 2 months later
and we are going on real budget trips.
Like a ticket to London (bus) cost 6 pounds? Thats real value for money :)
And I am so glad cos I am going to watch Phantom of Opera in London, Her Majesty's Theatre!
Yes I do know that they are coming to Singapore but what is watching a play without watching it in England man? =D
I am sooo looking forward to it!
And I just watched Romeo and Juliet by the Royal Shakespeare Company and they were really good. I will blog about it once I am back from Amsterdams.
I am really glad about these weekend trips (though they are short and very budgeted) because it takes away the blah and dreariness of my weekedays in uni :( School is tougher here - believe it or not? I have never done so much work in NUS (homework) as compared to Newcastle and its really ironic, cos my engine exchange friends here say they have a better slacker life in Newcastle. Sounds weird but oh well, I can't complain much.
It's the mid terms now.. and very soon it will be
Goodbye Newcastle,
Hello sunny Singapore.
So carpe diem, I shall.
=)
Here's to many more travelling, plays and cheap beer! ;)

While walking back home alone,
along this quiet but peaceful road just moments ago
as my singapore exchange students are at amsterdam at the very moment,
near the leazes park in my estate
i began to wonder and marvel at the amazing world we have
at the very moment i was enjoying the slight breeze and chilly winds
with my hands safely snug in my pocket
and my hair blowing softly
at one part of the world when its only 720pm here in newcastle...


the other parts of the world is probably asleep
like in singapore at 3.20am at this very moment
where my mum would be fast asleep
my nephew would be sleeping peacefully like a baby
there may be people mugging in the quiet stillness of the night in nus lt 11
people finding their way to fong seng to grab a prata or two for an energy booster
some rushing to finish up their revision
a few watching youtube.com for a break they needed
others collapse in tiredness


and perhaps in australia where
my dearest ming would have to wake up in a few hours time
and face another new bright day


when i was just slowly taking my walk down the lane
enjoying the scenery
taking in the sights of the neighbourhood in newcastle
looking at old and young couples in leazes park holding hands


what an amazing beautiful world.
at each opposite end of the world,
things are always happening =)
i smile to passers-by whom i rub shoulders with
they smile to me back.


the day is about to break there,
the sun has set here.


the beauty of life.
what a wonderful world =)

i love these quiet solo walks home, i do.
makes me appreciate Life
and be thankful to be able to see everything so beautifully. =)

You know, I was looking out of my room's window
and began to let my thoughts ramble.
I miss home so much.
And I thought I'd not be the one to do that.
I always pride myself on being very happy about venturing out on my own
Sure, I am this time
I have seen so many sights on this trip to Europe
and I guess it has made me tougher in so many ways.
For one, I cant be afraid of the dark anymore - i live in a hostel where my roomies come back really late

But this SEP has started me thinking on even the smallest and most precious things I have back home.
Like for example, the most simplest thing like opening my eyes in the morning and being able to see my mum, my little precious nephews and niece
and maybe the most quarrelsome sister
but it is home afterall.
My home.


The weather here is so bleak and cold that when I am in my room, I do a lot of thinking.
Well, I think, therefore I am, isn't it?
I am very thankful to be alive up to this very moment
to able to feel the rain drops descending
to hear the chuckles of people when they play with sprinklers
to listen to songs that evoke so many fond memories
We have all come a long way, havent we?

Sometimes I really dont understand why I do what I do...
It's only human, isn't it?


Maybe because it hasnt snowed yet,
that's why I am feeling a little moody..
=)

I miss home.
I miss bedok's ba chor mee,
fong seng's seafood maggi,
pasir panjang's sea food,
holland v's zhi char,
sakae sushi's buffet,
thai express' tomyam noodle soup,
arts' canteen's japanese food, fish meat noodle soup, western food
and most of all,
i miss home cooked food.

i miss everyone at home.
the weather's so bleak and gloomy,
not to mention cold.
its so cold that my nose, my fingers and face
are so frozen
my face feels like its gonna crack anytime
and its crazily ranging from -4 degrees to 5 degrees
and not even winter yet i think
if i had a tail, it would have fallen off.
=(

the autumn leaves are hanging loosely on the branches
slowly making its way to the ground
to be trodden hard upon
marked onto the concrete floor

i dreamt of u that night kor
it felt so real
u were talking to me in the bathroom
and when i woke up
it felt like u were right beside me
makes me miss u even more.


today i saw the fireworks
its the bonfire night to commemorate some Guy Fawkes night to
celebrate the failure of the Gunpowder plot to blow up the House of
Parliament in Westminister
it was so peacefully beautiful,
because everyone was so excited like little children
playing with fireworks
and having them soar in the sky
i remember the beautiful fireworks we saw with u, kor,
the last one with u,
the opening of the esplanade
so beautiful
so long ago
so soon that u are gone
too fast
beautiful things dont last too long, do they?


i saw sparklers too
and i remembered u kor..
i always had a fear of fire
and u assured me to hold that sparkler when i was so young
and i held it in glee
and in fear
but u made me feel safe.


thanks kor for always making me feel brave.
the singapore society ppl tried handing me some sparklers and fireworks
but i never took them


because the sparklers and fireworks can never be beautiful anymore now that u are gone...