for all my cherished friends

sometimes i think that life may never seem to be how we want it to be.
while we may grieve, get depressed, feel infuriated,
and more often that not,
this happens to me with my temper,
i must say on retrospect (thanks to KJ for empowering my vocab),
things sometimes do happen for a reason.
and for what reason, we never know.

but until you realise that on hindsight,
some doors have to be closed, and sometimes unfortunately slammed in our faces,
in order for new doors to be opened.
cliched, maybe, but true.
and in a weird way, i am testimony to this fact of life.
while all seemed to go wrong,
and Murphy's laws were taking strong likings to me,
somehow, somewhere, after numerous tumbleblocks and tears and what have you...
when u are in deep trouble and in the pits,
you can't go any deeper (as eliz has kindly enlightened me..)
and the only way out is the way UP.

and in a way, after several years of struggles and angst,
i see my life moving in a better direction,
and i know whatever had happened, was a test of my strength
(although I must say I would have loved not going through them)
and the old-age adage of 'what doesn't kill makes you stronger'
still rings true, doesn't it?
I guess what matters eventually is the fact that
you live, you learn... of course along with you love, you learn...

why am i being so philosophical?
maybe becos my results are being released soon...
and i hope i can use this advice i preach here...

... or hopefully i dont need to...

to the kind soul who read my post Pendulum Bobs

Thanks for the comments, I only just saw it this morning.
I m so sorry I didnt see your msg and i didnt pick up the G.D. phone becos i was on a plane.
Could you please let me know who are you? Becuse you didnt leave any name.
Thanks again. I appreciate it. =)

Milano, Italy

Second day here in Milan!
This place is pretty fun, lotsa walking, not much shopping because I'm a poor girl.
So far, we have seen the Duomo, quite impressive indeed... followed by the European people watching in the cafes outside, window shopping, the cemetries of famous Italians...
Maybe it's been a year plus since we toured Europe, still not quite used to the idea that i am in Europe and that it is a grad trip!
I am so gonna make wishes in all the wishing wells I see here, that I MUST pass my exams, and retain my second upper!
What a spoiler to think about, in Europe on a vacation.
But I sure know what to wish for my 23rd birthday =)

Au Revoir

Leaving on a jet plane tonight, towards the azure seas of the Mediterranean.

Leaving all behind, and embarking on a graduation trip.

Milan, Italy: first stop. 

Pendulum bobs

Refused to start on this entry, until everything has been crashing.

If I can describe how I feel, it's like having everything splattered in the drain.

Long kang, yes.

You tell me I should be rejoicing about the fact that my exams are over.

Everything's far from over.

This week has been the worst week ever.

Does it feel good to be pondering about the future,

with a stick in hand,

looking aimlessly in the horizon,

unknowingly in the future?

When nothing is for sure.

And I do know this juncture brings changes.

I wasn't told this before I started my uni life,

and now I learned the hard way.

People come and go, would you stay?

Does it feel good to let sleeping dogs lie,

only to have them waking up and prancing around you,

unearthing everything you have repressed,

and even having nightmares about them?

People come and go, would you please go away?

Does it feel good to feel like the loneliest person

in the crowd with smiles plastered on their faces?

And you are aware that your life is supposedly planned out

while others' are not

but you know deep down, there's more to it

People come and go, would you stay and understand?

Does it feel good to enter the exam hall

look at 200 MCQs only to realise you can only 

answer 50 and guessing for the 150 others are a chore

because there are 5 choices for each

People come and go, would you see that my tears are not from joy?

Does it feel good to have your hormones run wild

and you cannot stop the pendulum from swinging 

from one peak to another, stopping at the debris of your heart

People come and go, would you know why?

Does it feel good to not know what you want,

and because you pre-planned ahead

it's simply because you fear the future

and you grab the earlier opportunities available

shutting off all others

because choice is a bloody curse

People come and go, would you see all these?

Does it feel good to sit in the dungeon,

looking like you are in post-exam joy

only if they knew that you would miss everything

and yet you cannot wait to abandon all these and leave

People come and go, would you be the one to stay?

Does it feel good to feel your joy and happiness

and I am but an empty soul devoid of empathy

the deepest emotions possible are jadedness and pain

Purest of pain, they call it

Often underestimated, I feel it in my soul

People come and go, would you see me for who I am?

Does it feel good to not have a soul and laugh along

having heard of encouragements of strength

and you know u ain't like that at all

the irony of it all is that you're filled with unsaid pain

People come and go, would you ever know?

Does it feel good that your overwhelming joy and concern

seep into the darkest realms of my life

blocking out everything else

my words do not always have to be hurtful

most of the time they are cries of help

the line between the past and before have been demarcated

People come and go, would you not be one of them?

Does it feel good to read all your past entries,

feeling all the passion and fervour

which are now sorely lacking in your life

you can only laugh at your own stupidity

People come and go, would you please stay?

Because I need you.

Over.

If it's over, let it be over.
Can we keep it this way?
Do I need to be reminded of the haunting past,
everytime I see or hear about you or one of your random friends?
Whatever has left and been abandoned,
please stay that way.
Please.
I have no qualms about leaving it behind,
and I'm very happy with my life,
thank you very much.
I have nothing left in the past that I'd like to cherish or keep,
so please let it be.

It's been six years,
haven't you grown up?
i've said and done all i should or should not have
and let's just leave it that.
there's nothing i want from the past,
and i don't give a damn about what your life is.


And before you and your inquisitive insensitive "friends" come to me
and rattle off nonsense
that you guys don't even know about
just stay the way u are,
in my past.
You don't even know me,
you don't know what kind of freaking struggle these 6 years have been.
You don't even deserve my attention.


Stop haunting me.

La Fin [The End]

This is IT. I finished my final paper in NUS, survived it (though not well) but this is the end of my four years in NUS, where i spent endless nights coming back to school to mug/play games :) with the beautiful and soothing night in sight.

At this cross junction, what does one do? what is ahead? what does one lose? and what can one gain?

Without any sign post and in a state of transition, i call upon Durkheim's notion of anomie and apply it to myself now.

Is there an end at all?