Poem from the past

Was thinking about when I started writing poems and all...
It appears that I'm often, if not always, inspired by my tangential thoughts and emotions...
This was the poem I wrote during Lit class in PJC,
and we were asked to display it on the wall.

I wrote it with a purpose then - because it reflected how pure and simple love could have been,
back in 2002.
One of the poems I really like: it is very simple yet, it explains my point above.

This was for the first guy I met during orientation in JC -
also the one that has many stuff that haunts me until now.
Sleeping dogs they shall be,
but always a part of me.

A Love Poem

The first time their eyes met
Fingers shyly touch; they never linger
Hand on her shoulder for a while, never longer
Awkward silence - nothing more than that.

A wobbly finger reaches out - Message sent
She pauses, she waits
She just anticipates
A friendly reply greets her - A new friend!

Conversations at the bus stop never ceased
A rainbow spotted one beautiful evening
Both of them sat side by side, lazing
Even when several buses they missed.

Second of February Two Thousand and Two
She handed him the blue heart pendent
Also meant for his birthday present
Finally together from Two-oh-two

Untidy doodlings on lecture notes,
Hard-to-understand Math theories,
Giving up halfway nearly
Strength comes along with his white coat.

Heart beating, faster every minute
At the bus stop for the last time.
He holds her back, and gives her warmth
Together, never again to be.

Making sense of my life...

Deep into the night
where tired bodies lay resting
lonely minds stay wandering
I lie awake, flipping through the collages of my life
Bit by bit, chapter by chapter,
with theme songs to match every phase of my life.

Have been no angel,
and won't try to pretend to be one.
As I trudge along my life,
the footprints that have entered and left my world
good and bad, joy and pain, laughters and tears,
all made me who I was, who I am and who I will be.

While memories may haunt,
I have no need to ask to erase all of you away.
Days come and go where I get reminded of
the naivety of us, the love we all shared, the hurt we felt and the life we lived.

To you, you, you and all of you.
Thank you.
You have made me learn so much,
out from academic textbooks,
away from the beautiful sheltered life I was in.


To you.
I learned the art of self-defence,
To guard my heart from the madness
To forgive and forget
To grieve
To distrust
One year was short, but nothing short of the following struggling years
I learned the ugly sides that people embodied
I learned that
pounding hands don't hurt
shedding tears do lie
loving words don't cost a thing
being together does haunt
sharing affinity doesn't matter
loving me does hurt
being young doesn't mean being naive
at all

Thank you
for the closing of our chapter.


To you.
You made me learn about how love could be so simple.
How nothing said and all, and the littlest things in life,
such as helping me collect notes, tutoring me in Math, shielding me from the rain,
taking the same buses, waiting at the basketball court for you, not saying too much
All amounts to so much.
I wrote a poem for you during my Lit class,
I never knew I could write like this.
Until today,
I wish to forget what has happened.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
But life turns itself in amusing ways,
and somehow your name gets mentioned even after 6 years.
I am sorry for all I've done.
And believe me when I say I never meant to be hurting.
The reason why I've been consciously changing, forgetting, avoiding, escaping
is clear.
But thank you.
You made me stronger, forced me to cherish.
Thank you.

To you.
Two and a half years officially together do not mean nothing to me.
We spent much more time together,
frolicking in youth
embracing life
relishing arts
polishing our craft
bracing the winds
learning the ropes
falling down
bruising ourselves
lying down on the green pastures of life
challenging rules

All those separation pain seem so much like games, don't they?
We were
too young,
too naîve,
too trusting,
too ambitious,
too pleasure-seeking,
too blind.

Footsteps you left behind are like seasons left and gone,
Like summer,
our love was warm,
flowers bloomed
and
two lovers perched upon a tree.
Like autumn,
everything froze,
they gained clear vision
retracting their steps
built higher walls
preparing
Like winter,
the trees blew dry
the rustling of the leaves no more
perhaps, a twig or leaf
but all crushed and buried.

Spring arrives.
Bringing in new joy
Fresh crispy leaves
Another tree,
a restart.
Tears of joy and pain, forgotten.

Like the shadow,
unshaken off and lingering
Like the glimmering glisten of the silver bits
Edged deeply into the red pounding apple
It beats no more
and sometimes it beats a little more.

Thank you.
You taught me self-love,
how to never ever let another automaton take over me,
a doll never again.
Sincerity and love, were all I offered.
Swiftly trust and love were all you took away.

My mask, you never ripped apart,
A thicker unrecognizable mask ensued.
Someday, somehow, you were gonna make it alright
But just not then.

Bitterness never lingers,
Emptiness it left.
Thank you,
for when a door of happiness truly slams shut
another door creaks open silently
until she bumps again and again into it.

My craft, you probably cease to relish
Nevertheless, my most heartfelt
Thank you,
I learned the most.
I learned to walk, to nurse the cuts and bruises
I learned to dance, to embrace the blizzards and storms
I learned to sing, to chase the blues away
I learned to laugh, to have the truest smiles from my heart
I learned to live, to carpe diem and to travel the world
I learned to love, to be myself, to let myself go and love fierily

Thank you, you all.

For you.
Thank you.
Like a never grown-up kid,
I had to learn all over to trust, love, and run for help.
The warm steady hand
Never falters, never disappoints
The rain or shine
Shelters me, protects me
The beautiful eyes
Never lie, never hurt
You are beautiful the way you are.
Because I am loved for everything I am.
Every inch.

I am but a shield.
But now
no more.

for all my cherished friends

sometimes i think that life may never seem to be how we want it to be.
while we may grieve, get depressed, feel infuriated,
and more often that not,
this happens to me with my temper,
i must say on retrospect (thanks to KJ for empowering my vocab),
things sometimes do happen for a reason.
and for what reason, we never know.

but until you realise that on hindsight,
some doors have to be closed, and sometimes unfortunately slammed in our faces,
in order for new doors to be opened.
cliched, maybe, but true.
and in a weird way, i am testimony to this fact of life.
while all seemed to go wrong,
and Murphy's laws were taking strong likings to me,
somehow, somewhere, after numerous tumbleblocks and tears and what have you...
when u are in deep trouble and in the pits,
you can't go any deeper (as eliz has kindly enlightened me..)
and the only way out is the way UP.

and in a way, after several years of struggles and angst,
i see my life moving in a better direction,
and i know whatever had happened, was a test of my strength
(although I must say I would have loved not going through them)
and the old-age adage of 'what doesn't kill makes you stronger'
still rings true, doesn't it?
I guess what matters eventually is the fact that
you live, you learn... of course along with you love, you learn...

why am i being so philosophical?
maybe becos my results are being released soon...
and i hope i can use this advice i preach here...

... or hopefully i dont need to...

Milano, Italy

Second day here in Milan!
This place is pretty fun, lotsa walking, not much shopping because I'm a poor girl.
So far, we have seen the Duomo, quite impressive indeed... followed by the European people watching in the cafes outside, window shopping, the cemetries of famous Italians...
Maybe it's been a year plus since we toured Europe, still not quite used to the idea that i am in Europe and that it is a grad trip!
I am so gonna make wishes in all the wishing wells I see here, that I MUST pass my exams, and retain my second upper!
What a spoiler to think about, in Europe on a vacation.
But I sure know what to wish for my 23rd birthday =)

Au Revoir

Leaving on a jet plane tonight, towards the azure seas of the Mediterranean.

Leaving all behind, and embarking on a graduation trip.

Milan, Italy: first stop. 

Pendulum bobs

Refused to start on this entry, until everything has been crashing.

If I can describe how I feel, it's like having everything splattered in the drain.

Long kang, yes.

You tell me I should be rejoicing about the fact that my exams are over.

Everything's far from over.

This week has been the worst week ever.

Does it feel good to be pondering about the future,

with a stick in hand,

looking aimlessly in the horizon,

unknowingly in the future?

When nothing is for sure.

And I do know this juncture brings changes.

I wasn't told this before I started my uni life,

and now I learned the hard way.

People come and go, would you stay?

Does it feel good to let sleeping dogs lie,

only to have them waking up and prancing around you,

unearthing everything you have repressed,

and even having nightmares about them?

People come and go, would you please go away?

Does it feel good to feel like the loneliest person

in the crowd with smiles plastered on their faces?

And you are aware that your life is supposedly planned out

while others' are not

but you know deep down, there's more to it

People come and go, would you stay and understand?

Does it feel good to enter the exam hall

look at 200 MCQs only to realise you can only 

answer 50 and guessing for the 150 others are a chore

because there are 5 choices for each

People come and go, would you see that my tears are not from joy?

Does it feel good to have your hormones run wild

and you cannot stop the pendulum from swinging 

from one peak to another, stopping at the debris of your heart

People come and go, would you know why?

Does it feel good to not know what you want,

and because you pre-planned ahead

it's simply because you fear the future

and you grab the earlier opportunities available

shutting off all others

because choice is a bloody curse

People come and go, would you see all these?

Does it feel good to sit in the dungeon,

looking like you are in post-exam joy

only if they knew that you would miss everything

and yet you cannot wait to abandon all these and leave

People come and go, would you be the one to stay?

Does it feel good to feel your joy and happiness

and I am but an empty soul devoid of empathy

the deepest emotions possible are jadedness and pain

Purest of pain, they call it

Often underestimated, I feel it in my soul

People come and go, would you see me for who I am?

Does it feel good to not have a soul and laugh along

having heard of encouragements of strength

and you know u ain't like that at all

the irony of it all is that you're filled with unsaid pain

People come and go, would you ever know?

Does it feel good that your overwhelming joy and concern

seep into the darkest realms of my life

blocking out everything else

my words do not always have to be hurtful

most of the time they are cries of help

the line between the past and before have been demarcated

People come and go, would you not be one of them?

Does it feel good to read all your past entries,

feeling all the passion and fervour

which are now sorely lacking in your life

you can only laugh at your own stupidity

People come and go, would you please stay?

Because I need you.

La Fin [The End]

This is IT. I finished my final paper in NUS, survived it (though not well) but this is the end of my four years in NUS, where i spent endless nights coming back to school to mug/play games :) with the beautiful and soothing night in sight.

At this cross junction, what does one do? what is ahead? what does one lose? and what can one gain?

Without any sign post and in a state of transition, i call upon Durkheim's notion of anomie and apply it to myself now.

Is there an end at all?

Last Two

I survived the first two exams, and two more...
The greatest bane of my life.... Uncle Chua's module...

*pulls hair out*

Izzy, this will be over soon... *repeats 100000 times*

i can't believe...

.... that the freaking exams for me start tomorrow!!

*takes deep breaths*

Like how I began my first sem in NUS, this last sem will see me going thru consecutive exams within a span of a week....

... and see me lose sleep, have panic attacks, and forget why I even bothered going to uni.

I hope I have the strength to pull through.

What doesn't kill makes us stronger...

wait.... "uncle" chua's module is a killer...

sigh.

A Sneak Preview

After an exhilarating rush of essays, I will now reward myself [and the readers] with a preview of the places we plan to visit in about... 19 days time... hopefully, this is motivational enough, for my next heap of readings and preparations for my exams....

First Stop: Milan

One of the largest cities in Italy, she is known as one of the world's capital of fashion and design.

The Commune di Milano (Duomo)

View from the top of the dome

Naviglio

Second Stop: Pisa

Known for its Leaning Tower, it's popular as day trips for tourists. We intend to stay here for one night, just to take it slower.

Leaning Tower of Pisa

Piazza del Miracoli

Third Stop: Florence

The municipal coat of arms of Florence. So pretty right?

According to our dearest friend, Wiki, the "Historic Centre of Florence" was declared a heritage site by UNESCO in 1982.

Ponte Vecchio, where it is the symbol of Florence. Apparently, it was the only bridge not destroyed by the Nazis when the Italians withdrew in 1944.

That's all for now. Lesson of the day? According to Arjun Appadurai, the power of the imagination is made possible by mass migration and electronic media in modernity. Therefore, I am imagining a life possible in Europe, and I am going to migrate there in the future!

=)

I'm so happy...

... I can jump for joy!!!!

I finally, finally, finally finished my last bloody term paper of NUS =)
Previously, this paper caused me so much pain in the posterior [in KJ's words] that I was so depressed about it.... words began running in my head, prancing and dancing and taunting me, i had absolutely no idea what to write, how to begin....

Now that I've gotten it over and done with,
I have the exams.
Sigh =(

Oh well, two more weeks... just two more... after which,
when thou has done, thou has no more.

=)

La fin!

It has been a hell week, for all of us in school.
Having two essays due a day,
topping that with a random high weightage test,
having to sleep on the benches in the dungeon,
been there, done that.

Finally churned out a semi-coherent paper on Second Life, and it is more of a relief to get it over and done with, than pure satisfaction with the high level of quality.
It is total madness going through day by day, in this cookie cutter.
And worse still, it's to get a freaking grade back.
I need an average of A- to maintain my CAP and my sanity, as well as everyone else's.
Please, let all these be worth it.
I'm sacrificing my darling sleep for work!

AND the most beautiful part is:
this is just the beginning. One more reading week, and the exams would have descended upon us.
How the hell did the past 7 semesters go by and why did I not remember the misery I put myself through?


Note to self: This misery will end. Repeat to self 10000000 times.
If convincing myself doesn't work, try to knock myself out.

Nus (read: Noose)

The noose hangs
loosely
and
you
t
h
i
n
k
but
.. WHAT
ARD GOES
ARD AROUND
AND COMES
AROUND

Des etoiles? J'en veux plusieurs.

If I could measure the level of stress my friends and I are going through now,
I'd say it will overflow like billions of measuring beakers.

The end of school term is like this imminent bomb,
waiting to explode in your face,
before you can say,
"I-haven't-even-finished-my-essays!"

I've got so much readings to cover,
I wish I could just disappear.

In this pressure cooker,
I'm sure we'd all be fried alive.

Someone please stop the time.
Or
help me do my work.

Rewinding the days of my life

If I were to press "backwards" on the vcr playing the snippets of my life,
I would stop in my JC days.

True enough, JC days were unexpectedly fraught with ups and downs,
with major changes in my life,
but they were the best of my life.

I seldom comment on this part of my life,
which sometimes I really wish I can forget
because it's way too painful despite its sweetness.

It's hard to figure out how and why things turn out the way they do.
And just because I avoid meeting and talking,
it does not mean I have forgotten.

My JC times have made me who I am:
a melting pot of jadedness, craziness, courage and fear

I guess it has taken me too long
Way too long to remember
everything I have selectively forgotten.

I know things can never go back the same
I am no fool
But I would like a chance to apologize

It's too late for me to ramble on and on about my mistakes
but
I still am apologetic.

So if you know you are that person,
I'm sorry.
Let me say this to you in person.

And so it's confirmed...

.... i've gone mad.
Rushing this essay across a span of five days,
Battling my dumb anaemia,
Sleeping little with a sore neck,
Weaving the paper together tiresomely,

And I think that the paper still sucks.

It is really disheartening when you are in your last semester,
and you are supposedly looking down from the summit of the past 4 years accumulated,
feeling contented and enlightened.

I'm nowhere near.

At most, probably in a pile of debris at the bottom of the summit.

Rien

Je suis très très fatiguée. Il y a beaucoup de chose à faire, mais il semble que il n'ya pas le temps. Je ne sais pas où le temps s'était passer. J'ai faire rien. 

C'est la dernière semestre. Et alors?

J'ai peur d'être un raté.

À mon avis, je ne suis pas trop au loins.

Le symptôme de la dernière semestre? 

Peut-être.

Je pense que c'est parce que je manque la motivation de finir ma dernière semestre.

Aide-moi. 

DEADLINES... which render u dead if u don't meet them.

State-Society Relations Paper: Due 12 March

Contemp Presentation: 19 March

Contemp Paper: 26 March

GEM Poster: 1 April

ISM: Due 14 April

EXAMS: Late April

I hope I'd not have burnt out by then. 

Mid Sem Break

It's the last mid-sem break; and it is really make it or break it.
It's supposed to be for us to catch a breather, but I don't know why it only serves as a reminder of how much backlog I have to clear and how much more work I have ahead of me.
Sure doesn't look good.
I do know, at least, my schedule for next week is fully packed. I have an interview, a test or an essay due from Mondays to Fridays.

Can one get interview burn-outs? I guess you can. I am a little tired of the rounds of interviews that I have had to go, not because I am not keen on the jobs, but really because they tend to be a full day session each and I always have to rush back to NUS for classes.
It's painful for my pockets. =(

The headache about the kinda jobs to apply for comes because I have very specific interests and goals in my jobs. They include being able to progress, being judged based on my own performances as well as hopefully travelling prospects.
My firm belief still stands that for one to really experience a certain country's culture, one has to work/study or both there. Travelling as a tourist or at best a back-packer will not suffice.

Then again, there are limited job choices for my passions. The headache does not even end here.

The competition is tough, and as fresh graduate reeking of sheer lack of experience, you have to stand out at least in other aspects. Going for several interviews have certainly toughed me up and made me less prone to being shaken, but that just makes my view more pessimistic.

Boy, it's a tough world out there.

It is a brand new stage of life, awaiting all of us. In Dan's words, EMBRACE is the key.

Back to hitting my webcast. I can't believe the mid-sem break is almost over.