Stupidity

I never felt more stupid in my entire life...

Suddenly all the accolades, recommendations, 2 up, matters no more...
If any, it makes me feel worse.

The wonders of the (or rather my) mind

I just had a realisation...

A small thought meandered its way and crept subconsciously into the crevasses of my (sometimes over-laden) mind filled with rubbish thoughts...

That I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Ouch.

These days

Somedays,

this is exactly how I feel.

Despondent, lost, and just not wanting to say a single word more.

Maybe because I hear my voice all the time now, so whatever leaves my lips after work is just superfluous because (1) I get tired of my voice (2) it doesn't change the facts and (3) it is not income-generating (ha! thinking like one in my profession - being profit driven).

But jokes aside on (3), I guess I have never felt such strong urge to hide in reclusion and live like a you-guessed-it hermit.

This is somewhat ironic, thinking of how I always try to yank my loved ones out from their nothing-box/hermit shell/behind their gargantuan walls... and now, I build my own walls.

The truth is, these long hours are draining me and while I stress again that I was aware of what I was getting myself into, I did expect a certain level of self-discipline and determination - and self-discipline I did show - to the extent that I even tried organising my schedule in a disciplined way (one must understand that organising and being neat are very foreign notions to me - and pardon the lack of vocabulary... discipline is not a very intriguing word for me to conceive its synonyms).

And the worst part is though I gather I do need a breather/break/off/leave, I feel guilty that I am even going to take one day off.

What happened to preparing myself to work even on weekends.. and now consecutive weekends are even wearing me thin and I am taking off (thanks to a very understanding boss who provided all of us one day off each)?

It's not as if I will be doing anything productive on this much-craved-for day... In fact, if any, I would be just couch/bed potatoing my hours way...

belle, u need to be better than this..


Wilting,
belle

The world and I

Sometimes I marvel at how misleading impressions can be.

Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.

The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.

However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.

Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.

Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.

Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.

I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.

Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).

I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.

It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.

Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.

It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.

That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?

Yes belle, why the change?

Pondering,
Belle

Tenacity - a curse more than a strength

Sometimes my downright stubbornness gets to me, and sucks me to hell.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell - or rather who the hell - I am fighting for/against.

To prove a point? To prove myself? To prove them wrong?

To get a kick out of knowing I can do it, but at the expense of everything?


I think how all these enthusiasm/optimism/passion dissolves within one day proves a point, au contraire.

Why bite off more than you can chew, ms try-to-act-tough?

It's the same whole viscious cycle, my dear

Why do you never learn?

*throws hands up in air*

miffed,
belle

张靓颖 如果这就是爱情


你做了选择 对的错的

我只能承认 心是痛的

怀疑你舍得 我被伤的那么深

就放声哭了 何必再强忍

我没有选择 我不再完整

原来最后的吻 如此冰冷

你只能默认 我要被割舍

眼看着 你走了

如果这不是结局 如果我还爱你

如果我愿相信 你就是唯一

如果你听到这里 如果你依然放弃

那这就是爱情 我难以抗拒

如果这就是爱情 本来就不公平

你不需要讲理 我可以离去

如果我成全了你 如果我能祝福你

那不是我看清 是我证明 我爱你

灰色的天空 无法猜透

多余的眼泪 无法挽留

什么都牵动 感觉真的好脆弱

被呵护的人 原来不是我

我不要你走 我不想放手

却又不能够奢求 同情的温柔

你可以自由 我愿意承受

把昨天 留给我

Gorgeous

Insomnia returns - with its successful sequels

 

The concept of Sleep has successfully joined the concept of Love, in all its elusiveness and disappointments.

The more you try to shut them peepers tight to force yourself into snoozy-land, the more frustrated you become - your thoughts all jumping around, flashbacks all abound, but that tinge of sleepiness nowhere to be found.

Make yourself physically exhausted by turtle-swimming in the pool? Checked.

Make yourself mentally tired by reading heavy duty stuff (coupled with bad reading light, cold thunderous weather, and a turtle-speed processor)? Checked.

It took me 1.5 hours to fall asleep last night, from 5.30am.

I think the worst things to lose in life are indeed your soul, your mind and your sleep.

Zzzzzz,

Izzy

One year hiatus

Time flies, and it's been more than a year since I last penned my random thoughts on this blog.

This must have been the longest since I ever stopped writing - seems to be rather reflective of my state of mind in the past year: all over the place and sorting out thoughts.

And what a year it has been.

Another chapter has closed for me, as I move on away from my comfort zone, in that cushy chair surrounded by piles of concept papers, evaluation reports, minutes (groans), presentation slides, files and my trusty old computer, to a smaller yet less cosy environment enclosed in a glass tank. I made this choice - and apprehensive as I may be, I will (have to) deal with it. Hopefully, strongly though.

And while lies perpetuate still amongst your circle of friends and colleagues about my psychotic bitchiness, friendships forged will only unravel the truths, layer by layers, shreds by shreds -

who ARE you?

Or rather, who are you trying to pretend? What are you trying to hide from?

Everyone has a past, or pasts, for that matter - you cower in that cob-webbed corner of yours, spun by the incessant layers of filthy half-truths (i dont deny i can be a bitch sometimes) or complete lies, hiding behind the thick books you pride yourself on having read before, covered loosely by the white curtain stained with tears.

I don't care about you anymore, neither should you - so please, grow up and stop blaming the whole world for your past regrets/mistakes/etc, and victimizing yourself.

I don't see how spreading rumours/truths that exist in your head to your friends or colleagues who don't even know me is going to make you seem a more acceptable or likeable person. Is this what they teach you in your profession - giving up your responsibilities or to the extent of character assassination?

Your colleagues/friends will not give a damn about what happened between us - in fact, they can't even be bothered about a name that they can't put a face to/ have not even spoken to - so why stoop so lowly?

Move on with your sweetly nectared life, and get a grip.

And remember, karma bites you back in the ass.

*calms down*

Those irritants aside, I have been trying to deal with the extra time on my hands - it's funny how you don't really know how to handle the precious amount of time you've been beggin' for.

Almost one week left, here's hoping that more will be accomplished and I will be ready for the next phase of my life.

And with that, it's time to catch some sleep - before I turn grouchier.

Joining the bed bugs,
Izzy