Stupidity

I never felt more stupid in my entire life...

Suddenly all the accolades, recommendations, 2 up, matters no more...
If any, it makes me feel worse.

The wonders of the (or rather my) mind

I just had a realisation...

A small thought meandered its way and crept subconsciously into the crevasses of my (sometimes over-laden) mind filled with rubbish thoughts...

That I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Ouch.

These days

Somedays,

this is exactly how I feel.

Despondent, lost, and just not wanting to say a single word more.

Maybe because I hear my voice all the time now, so whatever leaves my lips after work is just superfluous because (1) I get tired of my voice (2) it doesn't change the facts and (3) it is not income-generating (ha! thinking like one in my profession - being profit driven).

But jokes aside on (3), I guess I have never felt such strong urge to hide in reclusion and live like a you-guessed-it hermit.

This is somewhat ironic, thinking of how I always try to yank my loved ones out from their nothing-box/hermit shell/behind their gargantuan walls... and now, I build my own walls.

The truth is, these long hours are draining me and while I stress again that I was aware of what I was getting myself into, I did expect a certain level of self-discipline and determination - and self-discipline I did show - to the extent that I even tried organising my schedule in a disciplined way (one must understand that organising and being neat are very foreign notions to me - and pardon the lack of vocabulary... discipline is not a very intriguing word for me to conceive its synonyms).

And the worst part is though I gather I do need a breather/break/off/leave, I feel guilty that I am even going to take one day off.

What happened to preparing myself to work even on weekends.. and now consecutive weekends are even wearing me thin and I am taking off (thanks to a very understanding boss who provided all of us one day off each)?

It's not as if I will be doing anything productive on this much-craved-for day... In fact, if any, I would be just couch/bed potatoing my hours way...

belle, u need to be better than this..


Wilting,
belle

The world and I

Sometimes I marvel at how misleading impressions can be.

Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.

The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.

However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.

Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.

Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.

Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.

I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.

Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).

I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.

It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.

Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.

It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.

That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?

Yes belle, why the change?

Pondering,
Belle