Sunday, October 31, 2004


my dad's bicycles. he's gone, but i kept them safe by my side.
downstairs.

i walked on the very same spot
where your body was.
do you remember?
i used to see images of you
in my head
u lay there peaceful
at home
no longer in pain

and i always avoided stepping on the spot
your peaceful body lay.

today, i almost stepped on it
i lifted my foot in time
and i remembered you
just like i always do.

i love you.
even though you are far far away.

and you know i always miss you.
no matter how far you are.

*the entry dedicated to my father who has left my side since 24 sept 2002*
in the air.

breathe the air,
see the green leafy emergence?
the fir like shapes
the shiny bells that hurt your eyes
the ones you love to touch
to feel the curves
to see another little girl grinning toothily back?

christmas is here
the spirit is here
love is here, actually
love is all around.

love, actually
makes christmas all so beautiful
the tingles on your skin,
does it make u love christmas even more?

the times u sat by the mannequins,
wondering if they were real and
trapped in bodies and never able to move?
their eyes so cold yet warm with calls of help to emerge from this freezing cold
where u could stare at women
prowling the aisles of the shoes or clothes department
and never saw urself there?

yet, now
u hold his hands
stroll lazily down the aisles
of the same departments
with mannequins looking real
really trapped, but now you know the truth

but christmas coming
feels much fresher
more beautiful
u know u will never be lonely
watching as the night falls
feeling love
but not loved
and christmas becomes just another day.

this year,
christmas smells fresh
and u just want to waltze with him
under the mistletoe and share a kiss.
or even
just hold him in the midst of orchard road
feel his warmth
amongst the hustle and bustle of people.
many people,
but just the two of you
exist.

love, actually
is beautiful.
=)



words dont mean a thing.

In the midst of
Kisses
The breaths in between
You don't have to say
A thing.

I love you,
But you don't have to say ''I love you too''
That's because.
I want you to listen
Let the words sink
Ocean deep
Into the crust of your heart
Let it sink

You never have to say a word
Never had to answer
What I stated or asked
I know what it will be

Just the silent nod
And the sound of your breathing
Takes away my breath.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

the rolling of the thunder ii

the sky grumbles,
a loud rumbling like that of a hungry stomach,
light flare across the sky.

the coldness embraces her,
she embraces the coldness,
she feels warm and happy.

the warmth of the skin
felt with the clasping of the hands together,
makes the cold more bearable.

the sight of the all too familiar beautiful eyes,
the touching of the skin
the unconditional, occasionally moody, smiles

the way the eyes light up,
the hugs the hands that bring her closer to him
the familiar concern and care

the thunder?
only makes her love, his love
their love stronger.

the thunder,
where they can hold on tight and
go through the cold together.

she loves the thunder.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

rolling of the thunder

hear the growling of the thunder
deep menacing and fierce
makes her tremble with coldness and loneliness

the shining of the bright sky
with that loud growl
and the shooting colour of the split of the sky

she feels cold,
lonesome
and naked without cover

maybe across the country
someone is sleeping soundly sweetly
with a soft blanket on his angelic body

curled up to the right,
sleeping peacefully,
oblivious to the roars of the night sky.

suddenly, a flash of light
FLASHES across the sky
she jerks, and trembles

it may be cold
but she wishes to cover someone more
than she wants to be covered

thinking of his warmth
his hands, his hugs
giving off his unconditional love and care

the thunder cries louder,
the roars fiercer
the growls deeper

she looks at the sky and smiles.
she will get to hug him soon.

even though it is thunderous in their relxnship now.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Grumpy


You feel worn out, physically and mentally.
Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I
f only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.
You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offense for the slightest reason.

You are feeling helpless. The fact that you are unable to control events that are going on around you is subjecting you to considerable stress. This can, if not relieved, cause muscle spasms or hypertension. It would seem that you are, for whatever the reason, being subjected to intolerable pressures. The complete environment would appear to be hostile. It would also seem that you are being driven against your will.

You feel - and perhaps quite rightly so - that unreasonable demands are made of you but more to the point you feel as if you are powerless to control the situation or protect yourself in any way. At this time you feel utterly helpless.
The tensions and stresses that you are experiencing at this time are, you feel, beyond your capabilities or your reserves of strength to cope with.

You feel inadequate and in a constant state of anxiety. You are attempting to escape from this situation into a secure environment in which you may be permitted to relax and recover, free from outside interference.

weekend

met up with the ogl ppl to pj openhse
it was sad
ppl were there,
but u couldnt smell the fresh air
the vibrant pulsating of the Pioneer heartbeats
taste the Pioneer spirit

even the mass dance wasnt the same anymore

but i guess things change
when u are not in it
dont they?

guess they do

was contemplating k box last nite
which did materialise
it was a whopping huge amt of $27 but
i do think it was money well spent (read: BUT too expensive!!)
for the company
the huge roars of laughters brought abt steve and his antics
the screaming of those love songs
and the crapping

maybe it didnt get to the personal level
which i sure wasnt comfy with some ppl
but i did have a good time

we ended up tonning with some 7-11 food at the empty seats near old S-11 food court
was awake until everyone dispersed for cabs, first buses
in fact
felt like i was a walking zombie

managed to reach home
catch as many winks as i could
and perhaps nourish as many yawns i lost
woke up at like 1215 pm to meet jihae and belle

it was kinda awkward initially but the neoprints just broke the ice
it was a good day
well spent,
tho not on term papers
but i am going to miss jihae
she is a sweet, good natured and down to earth girl

humble and simple,
thats what is so likeable

the irony of ppl,
the older we get
the more scheming/cunning we get
when we are supposed to be more wise and well informed
whatever irony is that..
just felt it was growing up that turns us into monsters

i am learning to not depend on him
and just handle my own problems
he has enough problems
and i do not need to tell him everything anymore
i think it will suit him better too

i think i am sulking behind my computer screen
and it makes me just want to
just sleep away the pain
or watever is left

i never believed in sleeping away problems
but i guess u taught me how to
and see where we are going..

frustrated

i try not to get affected by the things he says
or the things that happen
i try to tell myself everything will be ok
and i dont have to worry
that even if i were to send him a sweet sms
it would just be pacification to him

it just makes me feel like i cant even make a relxnship work
i can listen, care and even try to cheer u up
but u are just too caught up in it
that whatever i do
it just seems unconnected and unneeded

if i were to just let u be
to u, wouldnt it just be me
not interested
if i were to be upset u are so nonchalent and generous with your ''ok...''
because u cannot be 'bothered'
it would just seem like
i am easily upset again

i dare say i am living my life properly without hanging in the air for you
but why is it that that there's this bitter aftertaste
even when i feel exasperated with all these?

even tho we just feel so pissed
and even annoyed
and ''pointless''
maybe the tot of just ending it all does flicker in ur mind,
maybe even mine

but why is there a bitter aftertaste in my mouth?
a deep
pulsating
gashing
pain
thumping
hurting
throbbing?
like a sorethroat.
painful and hard
bitter and just


nothing can describe it.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

the silence is deafening

the silence is deafening.

this is one of the times i have so much thoughts to pour
we all need quiet moments
even if its extremely late,
and i am so tired
i just want to stay online.
so much to say.

what isnt urs is always the most beautiful and precious

white chicks was hilarious
though i watched it already
watching it again did make this week seem less worse
enough of procrastinating,
i am supposed to do work
and finish my drafts for my two term papers :(
sat with openhouse, sunday with ji hae
thats it..
*throws trouble to the back of my mind*

think i am really lost..
but i wanna find my way
and it seems simple.

but difficult.


turmoil,
beautiful
beautiful strangers,
the shadows lurking
in the murky shadows of the moonlight
wavering
trembling
laughter spills out
overflowing
captured by the stillness of the night
rousing of some sleepers
silence

---

and then for a while,
u see
no more shadows
some stubs on the floor
some lost smiles and chuckles
some lost falters of laughters
some spills

no more.





the twinkling fire

the twinkling fire

the reservoir
the beauty
the twinkling lights
still as beautiful

but u cant look over there
out of reach,
dont lift your hand.
dont try to touch it
or even finger the outlines of it


cos
it is too beautiful when it is not yours
and it will never be yours again.