Tuesday, March 29, 2005

foul mood now.
haiz
crap
i am just gonna cover my blanket and just go to sleep
whatever...

Monday, March 28, 2005

i think i'm mad
i chopped off my tresses!
i cut my fringe,
i changed my parting,
i cut my hair til the longest part is at my shoulder
and my hair is almost black
cos the dyed parts are all chopped off!

well tressa said i look really diff
i think so too
but after the wax kinda wore off
then i look like im a flat piece of pan cake

i just had this urge to cut my hair cos
i am SOOOO stressed
:(
i havent done my history essay
which is due tom evening 1600hrs
i have planned it of course but im going nowhere

haiz

anyway
something to be really happy abt~
he called me just now!
haha
just when i was missing him a lot
really miss him a lot a lot..
and his calls really cheered me up!
made me smile
he's my dearest boy who can cheer me up
even tho my long long hair is gone

abit xin tong.. :(

thanks tressa for going with me to cut hair!
haha
aiyah, new look lah hor
like i told dear,
i look pretty ugly now..
a big improvement from wat i was
hoho!
i just came back from yan's wedding...
many thoughts on it..
hmmm she looked really gorgeous in the gown
makes me wanna get married too
haha, just a silly thought of mine
looking at all the money, work, time, effort involved in a wedding, *faints*
but i'd really like to look beautiful for the one and only time of my life.
*day dreams*

guess im kinda apprehensive about weddings... looking at the marriages in my family..it just gets scary..i tink thats y my 4th sis isnt married yet.. and she doesnt plan to..


oh well
i got back and i scrubbed off all the make up on my face
yes, i wore a skirt and put make up! hoho!
=)
i feel so happy tt my face is squeaky clean and my pores can breathe!
i never was so happy with a clean face..
haha..
i hate removing the mascara.. it just sticks to my lashes.. despite all the eye make up remover
and it just stains my eye lids..
thank goodness it didnt stain them when i was at the wedding dinner
haha.. and i mixed my own eye shadow colour.. haha..
i was feeling kinda creative today..
=) yes, i m gushing over make up.. sigh.. the things weddings do to me...

it was a nice wedding, beautiful and simplistic..

really nice wedding album..

maybe, some day..



just smsed him that i really miss him.. at 1230 am which is like 230 am over there in aussie..
really miss the warmth of his hands
sigh.

Friday, March 25, 2005


i miss him! he wanted me to stick out my tongue this time, instead of him all the time =) i miss our pillow fights where me or him would just happen to fall from the bed.. and both of us would just start laughing nonstop.. =)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

i'm crushed and i cant breathe
cos the exams are coming
im tired
even thinking of it makes me tired :(

Theatre Studies play production on 21 April
oh no...
=(
i hope this time i can go back into directing...
i miss directing really much
its an adrenaline rush that gets me going and makes me happy..
its like my candy treat!

and i feel so blur..
i think i must rest enough to start on mugging for the exams
which will start next week

this week i shall focus on history termpaper and german revision
sigh

Monday, March 21, 2005

im inspired by the show i watched
lemony snickett: a series of unfortunate events
such a nice heart warming show
poignant, sweet and touching
it made me tear
i had to *sniff* in the droplets of tears
*touched*

if you get there before i do,
dont give up on me
i'll see u when my chores are thru,
i dont know how long i'll be

but i'm not gonna let u down
darling wait and see
and between now and then,
until i see u again,
i'll be loving you

love, me

its 11:15 pm and in singapore's time,
=) its still happy 22 mths
yup
im the last to wrap up purple monster
since u are the first to wish me that
since ur time in aussie is 2 hrs faster
wish i could spend this anniversary with him as well
but im gonna jus make do with it =)
cos im sure he knows
i miss him all the same!

this weekend supposed to have been a busy time
doing work right?

hmmm in the end i ended up spending two whole days with my family
ok, maybe my work wasnt done
but i think it was quality time well spent.

yup,
izzy..u got tonnes of work to go
and plus,
her wedding is this sunday
hmmm
what to get for her?

and yups, happy 22nd month to my dearest purple monster!!
love u all the same!
all ways, always ;)

love, me

Saturday, March 19, 2005

woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!
woooo hooo!
this crazy week is over! =D
the best thing that can happen to me
in this mad mad week,
i completed 2 term papers,
1 german test, 1 german conversational test,
(3hrs) tuition for two consecutive days,
and a total of tuition everyday from 7-9 or 5-8..
got back horrendous tests marks
fell sick
felt stressed

finally its over!!
woot!! =)

ich habe nicht Freizeit (i have no free time)
in this Woche (week)
to even sleep..
slept like max 4 hrs everyday? :(

today's German conversational test was scarrry
i ended up stuttering during my individual self intro :(
but it went smoothly as me and derek tried to get into our characters
as much as we could
i had to mess it up by being less confident
and almost tripping over my all famous line in the end:
Oh, schon fast drei Uhr. Enschuldigt, aber ich muss jetzt gehen. Mein Chineisischkurs beginnt!
(Oh, its three already! Sorry, but i must leave now. My Chinese lesson starts!)

*argh*
after painstakingly coming up with 5 conversations for 5 diff scenarios
feel so drained out
i really hope Frau Ritter finds our conversation gut. (good)

well, isabelle, rest tonight.
rest as much as u can

cus
from saturday onwards
u got:


history term paper
german catching up
lit textS to be read
german vocab test coming up
german semester test 2 coming up
TS readings (one whole stack)
and
Soci gruppe project presentation

*arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
-pulls all my hair out-

=(

Ich liebe nicht das Wochenende!
(I hate this Weekend!)

Friday, March 18, 2005

this really crazy week has taken its toll on me
i'm down
sick le =(
dragged my soles. my soul. my body.
to school today,
first lesson of lit.
i figured i had to be there.. so yup, i was there
concentrating
on my german genus und vokabel
after spending eons on it
i blanked out at the test

sigh.

then i got a grand total of 61.6 for my german semester test.
considering i only came back to school from the whole week of wake,
and having the test straightaway the next day,
it is quite okay le.
and the whole level's average was 55.
so i guess
i should be thankful i didnt fail
many thanks to derek who helped me out with german
if not, my hair would have all been pulled out by me le,
in my frustration to verstehen Deutsch (understand German).

straight after german at 12,
i staggered home in my utmost starvation, haha
and just konked out in bus 183..
den reached home at 1 to eat a little
then i woke up at 4... in time for 3 hrs of tuition

felt horrible with a bad flu, drowsy, woosie~ness, cold
and all that
and all the maths questions fired at me made it worst
i think i would have puked all my blood out
i know i shld be more patient but what can i do when i keep repeating long long workings for maths problems twice, thrice,
and the girl looks at me and says, ' huh?'

*gobbles up the girl*

*argh*

and german conversational test tomorrow..

when is this horrendous week ever, ever gonna end?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

german test is driving me mad
i am studying but grasping air..
full of GERMs now.. cos i am studying GERMan.. get it?
argh.. forget it
i am nuts

sometimes i wonder if i shld agree with wat he said..

german.. :(

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

german test tom.
man, i am dead tired
never ever have i been so tired..
its triply (actually, the word is thrice =D ) tiring
when u go to school
u face tests, assignments, long dry lectures
nonsense
crappy stuff
then i go for tuition and its 3 hours straight.
its killing me
:(

then when i reach home i just feel so tired and unmotivated
when i stare at my notes
yes, there's german test tom
ich bin sehr dead. (I am so dead)
thats how bad my german is
and how i dont feel like even touching it

where can i ever ever find the motivation

sigh...

its another long day tml

sch

tuition

go home

finish work

its a nasty viscious cycle

someday,

yes someday,

i will fly away.

with broken wings and all.



i felt a little down today.
maybe it was the weather.
maybe it was the fact tt i slept real late and woke up almost late
maybe it was just grouchy ol' me

maybe it was the tuesdays
9- 6, then 730 - 9
its killing me
im lagging behind so much work
and i am so
tired
t i r e d
physically, emotionally, psychologically
even my little toes are tired
*wriggles little tired toes*

its 253 am
and i am so proud to say i finished my lit essay
i never tot i could finish by tonight
=)
perserverance and determination does work after all
and throw in dark eyes rings
im beginning to look like im the bear from China.

one lit assignment down, one german project down,
one german test tom, one german oral exam on friday, one history paper to go
add a lot of catching up on work to go
and lots of sleep
i need rest
i need a break
i need a breather

i want to fly~
can u bring me to fly?

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

today i chose a long bus ride home
after german gruppe meeting

i took 183
i love long bus rides when im feeling down

in the midst of dozing off
and trying to feel the beauty of the bus ride
a fuzzy warm feeling hit me

and i knew i wanted to go home and hug my family.

i wanted to snuggle all the little nephews and nieces
to hold them and hug them
and to tell them
i always love them

and to hug my mum
hold her wrinkly hands
appreciate every morsel of the food she cooks
praise her for her excellent cooking
hug her from behind

i need all my family.
and i love them.

Monday, March 14, 2005

finally back home.
went to my bro in law's cousin's (ron) home in Banyan with my family..
we had a nice heartwarming bbq as a get together
then me, my 4th sister, ah boon, ron and ron's brother kenn decided to stay and chit chat while the little kids scurried home with my mum, my 2nd sis and 3 rd sis
while the more quote, unquote "havoc" ppl stayed behind
and so kenn drove us back
den my sis and i took our clothes, took bath and just went to ron's place
then we watched ''sideways'' at cineleisure at 245am
almost fell asleep
was too slow
didnt like it
sexual humour was too explicit i felt
not that i am a old conservative monster
it was crude
i am so surprised by myself =)
anyway
we got back at 5
all of us k.o
slept til 11
den my mum they all came over
then we swam from 1-5
my skin all wrinkly
i feel like a raisin
a sunburnt raisin at that =)

had curry fishhead at taman jurong
nice ending to the weekend escapade

its amazing and ironic how my bro-in-law's death
brings us together
strangers
or near strangers
who have never met since
10 yrs?
or whenever necessary.. so n so's wedding

but we are a family
now

and when my 2nd sis and her sons alight
wave to us
while we are in the car

i see my bro-in-law
beside them
waving back
melancholic because he can never be part of this family physically
but assured because his wife and children will never be alone or uncared for.

its been almost 2 weeks
it feels so unreal
he has never left our side

i see the smiles
those which light up his eyes
i see the wrinkly edges of his eyes
i see the hand which gestured ''good'' before he went for his 3rd op
i see his tears in his eyes before he died

i see him in us.
his strength
his love
his jovial spirit.

rest in peace Kor Kor.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

haiz
should i stay should i go is the name of a Dreamz FM song which i like very much

i am not thinking of leaving my dear

i am just feeling down cos of academic laggingness and my bro in law
thats why im listening to sad songs

thats all
haiz
haiz
should i stay should i go is the name of a song by Dreamz FM
I am not thinking of anything about leaving my dear

i am just feeling melancholic and am constantly listening to sad songs
thats all

i feel stressed out in life academically..
and i miss my brother in law
thats all

Thursday, March 10, 2005

look closer at the picture
the girl in it
the bright cheery smile
look beyond the facade
see the hurt in her eyes
see the pain in her weary smile
see the loss in her heart

she hasnt been herself since he left
she pushes it out of her mind
she feels herself slipping deeper into the abyss
she just allows herself to fall

all she wants is a hug

she cant be back to normal
she cant smile like before
she cant

hug me please.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

the fumes that intoxicate me
the smiles that charm me
the words that make sense

Saturday, March 05, 2005

he's gone.
he left us, 6:52 pm on 28 feb 2005

his eyes were dilated that morning 5:30 am,
his responses stopped
he slipped into coma.

at 5:30 am
i sat by his side,
used the once-used moisturizer
massaged his dry skin,
held his fingers
while tears kept rolling down
they kept flowing down
like
endless rain.

5 days before,
i saw the edges of his lips curve
as I showed him our family photos
him, my sis, his sons,
my mum, me and my sisters and other bro-in-laws
i saw his nod of acknowledgement
and the smile
that moved my heart.

i fed him water,
i touched his loving hands
i taught him to move his reflexes
i patted his chest
i touched his legs
i tickled his toes
i kissed his hands and forehead
i wiped away his tears
i massaged his shoulders

before he was in a coma
he suddenly responded to us even tho one of his eyes couldnt open
as compared to before,
where he couldnt hear or understand us,
this time
from 26-27 feb,
i told him he was gonna get well
we were gonna bring him home
he nodded
=)

i told him he was the best brother and father in the world
i wanted him to be well and see me graduate in 2 yrs time
see me get married and be my wedding witness
since he had seen me grown up since i was 4
i thanked him for being the best in the world
and i want him to be reincarnated in our family again

we loved him like our blood brother

he will be my only kor kor
the best one i have ever had.

goodbye kor kor,
u were the best
and i will always love and miss you.

thank you for loving us
like we were ur real blood family
thank you for teaching us to live and love as a family
we will never ever forget you.

we collected ur bones,
they were reddish and broken
too much medication
kor kor, u were in pain
u no longer are suffering
we will all pray for you
we will all miss you.

i love you.