Despondent, lost, and just not wanting to say a single word more.
Maybe because I hear my voice all the time now, so whatever leaves my lips after work is just superfluous because (1) I get tired of my voice (2) it doesn't change the facts and (3) it is not income-generating (ha! thinking like one in my profession - being profit driven).
But jokes aside on (3), I guess I have never felt such strong urge to hide in reclusion and live like a you-guessed-it hermit.
This is somewhat ironic, thinking of how I always try to yank my loved ones out from their nothing-box/hermit shell/behind their gargantuan walls... and now, I build my own walls.
The truth is, these long hours are draining me and while I stress again that I was aware of what I was getting myself into, I did expect a certain level of self-discipline and determination - and self-discipline I did show - to the extent that I even tried organising my schedule in a disciplined way (one must understand that organising and being neat are very foreign notions to me - and pardon the lack of vocabulary... discipline is not a very intriguing word for me to conceive its synonyms).
And the worst part is though I gather I do need a breather/break/off/leave, I feel guilty that I am even going to take one day off.
What happened to preparing myself to work even on weekends.. and now consecutive weekends are even wearing me thin and I am taking off (thanks to a very understanding boss who provided all of us one day off each)?
It's not as if I will be doing anything productive on this much-craved-for day... In fact, if any, I would be just couch/bed potatoing my hours way...
Sometimes I marvel at how misleading impressions can be.
Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.
The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.
However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.
Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.
Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.
Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.
I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.
Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).
I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.
It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.
Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.
It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.
That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?
The concept of Sleep has successfully joined the concept of Love, in all its elusiveness and disappointments.
The more you try to shut them peepers tight to force yourself into snoozy-land, the more frustrated you become - your thoughts all jumping around, flashbacks all abound, but that tinge of sleepiness nowhere to be found.
Make yourself physically exhausted by turtle-swimming in the pool? Checked.
Make yourself mentally tired by reading heavy duty stuff (coupled with bad reading light, cold thunderous weather, and a turtle-speed processor)? Checked.
It took me 1.5 hours to fall asleep last night, from 5.30am.
I think the worst things to lose in life are indeed your soul, your mind and your sleep.
Time flies, and it's been more than a year since I last penned my random thoughts on this blog.
This must have been the longest since I ever stopped writing - seems to be rather reflective of my state of mind in the past year: all over the place and sorting out thoughts.
And what a year it has been.
Another chapter has closed for me, as I move on away from my comfort zone, in that cushy chair surrounded by piles of concept papers, evaluation reports, minutes (groans), presentation slides, files and my trusty old computer, to a smaller yet less cosy environment enclosed in a glass tank. I made this choice - and apprehensive as I may be, I will (have to) deal with it. Hopefully, strongly though.
And while lies perpetuate still amongst your circle of friends and colleagues about my psychotic bitchiness, friendships forged will only unravel the truths, layer by layers, shreds by shreds -
who ARE you?
Or rather, who are you trying to pretend? What are you trying to hide from?
Everyone has a past, or pasts, for that matter - you cower in that cob-webbed corner of yours, spun by the incessant layers of filthy half-truths (i dont deny i can be a bitch sometimes) or complete lies, hiding behind the thick books you pride yourself on having read before, covered loosely by the white curtain stained with tears.
I don't care about you anymore, neither should you - so please, grow up and stop blaming the whole world for your past regrets/mistakes/etc, and victimizing yourself.
I don't see how spreading rumours/truths that exist in your head to your friends or colleagues who don't even know me is going to make you seem a more acceptable or likeable person. Is this what they teach you in your profession - giving up your responsibilities or to the extent of character assassination?
Your colleagues/friends will not give a damn about what happened between us - in fact, they can't even be bothered about a name that they can't put a face to/ have not even spoken to - so why stoop so lowly?
Move on with your sweetly nectared life, and get a grip.
And remember, karma bites you back in the ass.
*calms down*
Those irritants aside, I have been trying to deal with the extra time on my hands - it's funny how you don't really know how to handle the precious amount of time you've been beggin' for.
Almost one week left, here's hoping that more will be accomplished and I will be ready for the next phase of my life.
And with that, it's time to catch some sleep - before I turn grouchier.
Dear God, if you can hear me, could you take away the pain, the bruises, the swollen-ness, the disappointment, the memories, the very remnants of haunting snippets for my beloved grandma pls?
You know you're having one of THOSE days, when things go awesomely wrong- when you finally manage to deposit your cash into your blaaaardy account, and realise that on the day of the event, it's fully booked. and it's your birthday somemore.
and you have already come up in your head of those awesomely gorgeous ideas, that will go all awry.
Oh, and this added to the myriad of things flashing by you, such as: 1. a kick-ass parrner (not talking about my boyfriend but my vendor) 2. a tumultaneous workstation that stares at you every mornign 3. unrelentless phonecalls from ppl u were unable to reach previously but now when u're bogged down with 1346776523247 things to do, they call 4. banks that call u and invite you oh-so-nicely to get their SPECIAL promotional card/insurance/insert-moolah-earning-commission-for-the-rude-telemarketeers-who-call-you but when you try to call them for emergencies, such as lost PIN or lost card, u get the nonchalent 'sorry, we're experiencing high call volume' 5. weird people who miss call you, but when u call back, they yell 'who are you? how did u get my number?' 6. absolutely fantastic condo management who doesn't understand the terms 'customer service' 7. and a poor bf who's nursing an illness and unable to listen to my rumbles (but cant blame him)
i'm so bitchy and tired of the random nonsensical things that like to spring oh-so-suddenly huge surprises on me.
spare me pls.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
♥ 12:38 AM
credits to http://drf.teflonminne.se/2005/12/15/arets-tva-mest-efterblivna-amobor-har-utsetts/
Thanks to your overwhelming awesomeness and magnamity, I'm absolutely humbled.
You should go piss off.
Make that all of you.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
♥ 11:57 PM
image credits: www.davidbithell.com
Of Space and Liminality
Was rummaging through online pictures when I found this picture very inspiring. Somehow, it seems to describe and depict how I feel inside. Messy. Liminal. Yet Empty.
I see a mess and also an empty space in this picture. Probably describes things in my head too.
The past weeks have been so busy, and finally the Dance Competition for the under 13s kicked off last Saturday. Somehow, seeing those cute and funky kids dance their way to the championship made EVERYTHING all worth it. I guess, as a goal-oriented person, this is extremely important to me.
I was really inspired by their energy and passion for life, and started contemplating about life, about how I was so driven by I-don't-know-what-kinda-force in uni, joining events and fulfilling all my interests. and now i look at my life, i feel so shallow.
wakeup-gotowork-eatbreakfast-typepapers-gomeetings-eatlunch-typepapers-freshair-breatheforafewmoments-typepapers-gohome-playiphone-eatdinner-(insert stoning activity such as mahjong, texas hold'em, reading, writing, looking out the window with a roll of paper...)-sleep.
i started monday morning bright and chirpy...and it's wednesday, and it's gonna be down hill.
what's life about? a mundane cycle? it's eating me up.
oh yes, and of liminality. of grey areas. why do things always have to be black OR white? can't they be black and white? why must we ALWAYS know what we are doing? why can't we just sit on our decisions and NOT feel bad? why does life get SO complicated as the age shoots up exponentially? why can't I just stop wondering about life?
Sometimes, I take lifts and as the lift more often than not opens at almost every other floor, before my floor, I create and imagine the characters coming into the lift, with their own life stories, with their own preoccupations, flaws, hiccups, weaknesses, soft spots.
And then I imagine ways to cheer them up (cos people always look so glum/uncomfortable when sharing the lift)
and then it's my turn to get out of the lift.
Understand my point? No? It's alright. Neither do I.
The first few days of the lunar new year has just come and gone.
This year's festive season has lost its grandeur and mood, it has become so watered-down.
Is this part of growing up,
where the visiting relatives become more distant and the relatives haunt you with the same old questions?
This year's new year has only become simpler, with a mini gathering, a steam boat with family, hanging out and talking.
Photo credits to: http://willthomasonline.wordpress.com/tag/churches
Spread thin like butter
You know how sometimes, you end work, and have not eaten for past 12 hours,
but you just end up collapsing on the bed, snuggling in the blanket and enjoying the air-con,
without feeling a single pang of hunger?
That's exactly how I feel now, and how I felt for the past few days.
It's been one hell of a week! Those cursed paperwork, high heels and non-stop computer screen staring.
How come work never gets done? After you put your focus on one task, and complete it after gobbling a sandwich (yucks) and having a super thick and concentrated tea, you find yourself drowning in 5 more assignments, targeted to be completed by next week?
I ended up this big grumpy grouch, perched in front of my computer, staring at files and websites, typing incessantly and quickly as if my life depended on it, and then, shit happens and you end up having to find the files, to fill up the gaps in your tasks, having to liaise with vendors, picking up phonecalls, dealing with last minute crap and before you know it, it's 8pm *gulps*
One ranting post, and I foresee many to come. I'd thought after the club campaign I completed in Dec, things would be a little less hectic (meaning, I no longer have to voluntarily work on Sat, Sun, afterwork, bring work home, sleep at 2am, type non-stop, have no time to even do things I like).
Apparently, life has its awesome surprises for us, and the next few months certainly don't look any rosier.
Dear God, if you can't make me less busy or tired, can you at least increase my salary?
At least, my cursed life has more monetary value than my educational investments.
P.S: Daniel said life's a slut. Why? Cos a bitch screws everyone but you, but a slut screws everyone, including you.
I am in awe of a wedding blog that my primary school best friend created with her other half, chronicling the small bits before, during and after their solemnization.
The blog is filled with small sweet details of their photo shoot, their life after marriage (the first meal my friend cooked as a new bride/wife), their mini honey moons, how they met (yes, they even made a video at the secondary school they met), their ring choosing and customizing their rings. And most importantly, they continue to write this blog together, 4 months after they have ROM-ed.
They even count down to their next steps after their solemnization - that is, getting a flat, finding an auspicious Chinese wedding date.
It's really very sweet and heart warming, and I know she's in good hands with him.
To many others, marriage could probably be only a hassle or a once-in-a-lifetime experience of shopping for the most gorgeous heels and wedding dress, but somehow, from their blog, I know it's more than that.
It's the amount of significance they attribute to their pre-wedding preparations, on-going solemnization and post-solemnization life, that portrays the amount of commitment they have put in, to their shared lives, to the marriage until the end.
The blog's tagline reads "Falling in love is easy, staying in love is special." How sweet :) I can only agree, since being attracted to someone new (the entire courtship period for both) is definitely easier than making committed effort to stay together.
How many of us would remember the vows "Til Death Do Us Part" and stay true to them?
I've not been married yet (and probably am gonna stay that way for quite some time.. ) but this post hopefully will remind me that one day, the day comes, I will live true to the vow.
Photo credits to http://www.bildfind.com/bilder_dead_any_any__378.html
Dead
This blog has been dead for quite some time, and the tress has run dry of ideas and inspiration. Will be doing up a revamp and get it going.
It's finally 2010, and I can't help but feel older and older. Hitting the mid 20s soon *ouch, it hurts to hear the numbers*
Things that I have to accomplish before 26th birthday
1. Get a car! It's been already almost 2 years since I've graduated and not even a scrap metal has landed on my hands. Sigh. So much so for wanting to drive and feel the breeze in my hair. But it looks like I have to make do with a very practical car. Or perhaps, someone would want to lend his Civic Type R for me to drive *wink wink* at the risk of murdering plants, animals and humans.
2. Go for further studies! I'm honestly contemplating, deliberating, considering a Masters degree. In psychology, law or business. Call me an escapist from reality if you wish, but I really want to further my studies.
3. Start a business! ... though I have really no idea what to do. Compile all the comics that I've drawn into a book and as my love has suggested, publish them into a children's book? Hah.
4. Write a book/play I never had the time to sit down at Starbucks and start writing scenes/chapters. What a pleasure it would be.
5. Go and see aurora lights! Seems like I'm never gonna do that :(
6. Make enough money to buy a cat! But there's no space for cats :(
I'd better stop now before my dreams get bigger and more ridiculous. Sigh.
It gets really freaking frustrating when you take one step forward and end up taking two steps backwards. Despite all the meticulous planning and overtime doing, it all boils down to freaking nothing.
At the rate this is going, we're never ever going to make it.
Thank you for the indecisiveness and uncalled-for condescending tones.
Every time I count my blessings, I count both you and Su.
Su, being sensitive and introspective, can detect my mood within a split second. You, being playful but patient and giving, can be my pillar of support.
Thank you for being the 2 very important Cancerians in my life. =)
24 September 2002, the day that one of your lungs collapsed. It was also the day that you gave up breathing.
Maybe you didn't give up - maybe you had to - or maybe... Maybe there are too many "maybes"...
It was the day I remember being so strong, holding onto Mummy while waiting for the rest of the sisters to arrive. It was the day I remember collapsing in tears, once Mummy got a hold on herself.
It was the day I remember crying so hard that it was impossible to coax myself to sleep.
It was also the day I remember I never wanted to wake up after that to face the reality.
Nothing's been smooth since you left, Daddy. It's been 7 years and you're still very much missed.
Love,
Belle
*Dedicated to my daddy who departed 24th September 2002 - in loving memory of his love for his littlest daughter*
Finally! We found one sunday afternoon and started re-doing his room. [Read: not my cup of tea :) ]
Having said that, it really took a lot of perseverance and strength (literally) to dismantle the bed boards and rearrange many of the cupboards, and mopping and cleaning and scrapping... amidst a lot of breaks with pepsi and thin rolls of paper...
I'm proud to say we never gave up and just kept on scrubbing and moving like nobody's business :)
Now the room is squeaky clean, much airier, more beautiful and so much more roomier and homelier :)
We also got an air purifier which makes the room so much better, so nice that we don't want to leave the comfort of the room...
Will upload the pictures once the flu bug stops harrassing me :)
Au revoir, throat inflammation; Welcome gastroenteritis!
My dear body has become a favourite breeding ground for these damned germs; clutching my tummy throughout the day is a hellish activity, with all the mad rush in the office and meetings...
And now dearie has also caught a fever and flu... Illnesses love company, don't they?
We're like two sick kittens, wrapped in blankets, shivering, while Tiger stares at us with his huge eyes and makes us feel bad about not being able to walk him. =(
It amazes me how a small little accident can bring about such a drastic positive change in her life. It unfazes me to learn how an innocent remark can bring out scathing revelations about him.
Change - being constant - seems to remind us of our own mortality, and to carpe diem, since nothing is permanent and everything temporally exists.
To let it take you down or bring you up, is entirely a choice of yours.
Finally, the weekend is here, having scurried through an excruciatingly busy week.
Weekends are always welcomed, especially during rainy seasons.
This weekend was spent with a night-over, listening to ghost stories, discussing about tarot cards and laughing our hearts out over beer.
Last night, we even spent a lazy night just building ridiculously insane roller coasters on Roller Coaster Tycoon 2.
Aptly named "The Last Ride", the ride ends with no platform but a sudden drop that lands all the passengers in the middle of the platform with a huge explosion and fire works to celebrate this finale ride.
See what three stressed out people can do?
An overdue picture from my birthday - thank you for everything.
Everything will smoothen out okay? We'll wait for the next weekend to come =)
This is Tiger, the much loved mongrel we are taking care of. He loves shaking his paws with us, evident from the picture above and he has beautiful tiger stripes. Therefore, the name "Tiger" has stuck comfortably.
He doesn't like strangers, cars, prams, basement carparks, noises, knocking. He seldom barks and loves affection.
Every night he needs to be hugged to sleep. I'd snuggle up to him, kiss his foreheaad (if that's what you call it) and stroke his nose.
... in case you rub the genie's lamp the wrong way.
Ask, and you shall receive.
Answers, indeed, sought yet questions abound.
A dead end, with no light in sight, or a self-fulfilling prophecy, giving up without a fight?
The devil and the hangman towards the mystic they tend
A heart spoked with arrows split at the end with sorrows
The wheel of fortune anticipates the winds of change relishing before gone too soon offering a fork in the road the comfort zone or a toss of the load.
Life likes to play funny jokes on us, especially when we least expect it.
I realise the current job I am holding is something I applied for when I was in 3rd year in NUS. And at that point of time, I hadn't thought of doing an additional Honours year -
I was only contemplating what to do with my life but somehow, I decided to take on honours and just bumped my way along the 4th year.
After which, I applied for a graduate scheme in an airline company, following by a short editing stint. Then I realised those weren't me.
When I decided to tidy up my life, there was an opening in the main agency that I was keen on.
However, not armed with a Psychology degree but instead a Sociology one, I was offered other options in the other arms of the main agency.
And at that point of time during the second interview, I learned of the opening of my current position - which I was keen on. I took it on, and here I am,
Yet, it is strange it never rang a bell.
And here I am, in a full circle right from where I began.
x x x x x x x x x x x
Similarly, Dan's the man I met a couple of years ago, in an uncanny situation where I was visiting my ex boyfriend (who happens to be Dan's good friend) in a hospital. Our eyes met briefly but it all ended there.
Fast forward 4 years, we had an unexpected and unplanned encounter, this time with my ex boyfriend organizing a gathering, on a July evening.
And somehow, things bumped and collided and worked itself out.
And ironically, it was only during our first few meetings that I mentioned to Dan that he really looked familiar from a 4-year-ago encounter.
And there we were, realizing that we had met years ago.
Moral of the story: If you are meant to be, you are meant to be.
If you are meant to meet, there's no running away from it.
That's cos life brings you back to a full circle - unexpected, unplanned, unknowingly-
and while we never know what what's up for us in the future (distant or far), the best we can do is cherish what we have, be it our careers, our loved ones, our families, our life.
Does it mean that the result brings about a triumphant ending? Or could winning actually mean... not losing as much as anticipated in the end?
Does winning necessitate a happy fairytale ending for all? Or could it be a win-win situation, where everyone backs down and takes back a piece of shattered soul but moves on to greater happiness?
Are we too fixated with the notion of winning this race, that we can't see that by trying so hard to win, we are the biggest losers in the end?
Or, maybe winning is not everything, eventually. It is knowing when to say no.
To Pray...
Credits to: Libraryman in Flickr 
photo credits: http://www.hahastop.com/pictures/Bad_Hair_Day.htm
credits to http://drf.teflonminne.se/2005/12/15/arets-tva-mest-efterblivna-amobor-har-utsetts/
image credits: www.davidbithell.com
www.picturesof.net/pages090324-15...2048.html
Photo credits to http://www.bildfind.com/bilder_dead_any_any__378.html
A Merry Christmas
Running out of time
Courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/darkhairedgirl/2112355734/
picture from reellifewisdom.com
'nuff said... Need a breather now...
Cheered up,
7 years
The passion
Photocredits: Kristine May on flickr
Freedom
Gastroenteritis
Dearest Daniel
The only constant thing in Man is change
Fur rug
Lazy weekend
An overdue picture from my birthday - thank you for everything.
Credits: M Kort
Be careful of what you wish for...
Pencil shreds
When the going gets a little too tough...
Life's little surprises
Qu'est-ce qui s'est passe -
source: http://designflute.files.wordpress.com 
Happy (but tired) Feet
