Like every morning for the past few days, I slowly pried my eyes open before struggling to let some light into my world. Because of the medications Dan placed in my eyes the night before, I have to be very careful when I wake up.
This cute image greeted my eyes once my eyelids fluttered open - Dan had placed Buibui on my newly bought ladybug cushion - and it was such a cute sight to see that fatty happily relaxing.
Despite this week's bad news about my cornea's inability to function (for now), this has been one of the best weeks so far.
I have been sleeping well with no nightmares for the longest time, especially with these few nights where I was tucked to sleep by Dan who would meticulously take care of me and place my eye medications.
I think, for the past years when I have always been unable to sleep well and I dream (mostly nightmares) more than I really sleep, it might have been because I was always feeling uneasy and insecure.
Too many departures in such a short span of time - it has always been difficult for me to say goodbye amidst tears.
Not that I have gotten used to people leaving me, but I think there's really no point fretting about losing my loved ones around me - this is no longer within my control and allowing this to keep me wide awake staring at the ceiling in the depths of the night is not going to change anything.
If anything, I think this fear has made me ultra-paranoid, and very closed-up and not willing to open myself up to anyone because it hurts terribly when people leave you, after you have opened yourself up. I think this fear has given myself an excuse not to enjoy what I have on hand, but the burden of constant worries.
Maybe this is what Life is about - about learning to cope with joyous meetings and tearful departures, and adapting to the consistent changes. I wasn't strong enough to take on this challenge, but I know I am getting better - at least, I no longer wake up crying from nightmares about people dying around me, for a long time.
I feel a sense of contentment, which I have not felt the longest time, and I am looking forward to being able to feel this way for a bit longer.
I have gotten my engagement ring resized - and finally it's back with me. Initially, I didn't want to resize it because I attach too much emotions to everything around me (yes, I am a compulsive hoarder...) and I was reluctant to part ways with the ring that Dan proposed with - I was unsure whether the shop would return with another bigger ring, which wouldn't be the same ring again, and so I was ready to live with a slightly small ring.
Then I realised that wouldn't be the case as they would send the ring to be re-sized, and I could verify it with the diamond's serial number - only then I was alright with sending the ring to the jeweller.
Sometimes, I think I'm too hard on myself - I want things to be done the perfect, non-compromising way. and the only way I know how.
When things do not go my way, I get panicky and I cannot sleep. This is something I have avoided admitting to myself; and I think I really have to start working on this issue. Because when I insist on being perfectionistic and ignore all the other advice/methods, I shut myself off and become difficult to talk to, and I tend to make it very challenging for my other half.
Well, self-awareness and self-acknowledgment are the first baby steps right...?
I must stop driving myself crazy with my idiosyncrasies, and learn to really breathe and learn - that it is really okay, for things not to be perfectly okay all the time.
It's been a great weekend so far, just me and the melancholic music playing... I really do like living my life now, with so much less drama :)
Blessed,
Belle
