Stupidity

I never felt more stupid in my entire life...

Suddenly all the accolades, recommendations, 2 up, matters no more...
If any, it makes me feel worse.

The wonders of the (or rather my) mind

I just had a realisation...

A small thought meandered its way and crept subconsciously into the crevasses of my (sometimes over-laden) mind filled with rubbish thoughts...

That I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Ouch.

The world and I

Sometimes I marvel at how misleading impressions can be.

Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.

The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.

However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.

Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.

Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.

Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.

I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.

Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).

I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.

It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.

Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.

It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.

That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?

Yes belle, why the change?

Pondering,
Belle

Tenacity - a curse more than a strength

Sometimes my downright stubbornness gets to me, and sucks me to hell.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell - or rather who the hell - I am fighting for/against.

To prove a point? To prove myself? To prove them wrong?

To get a kick out of knowing I can do it, but at the expense of everything?


I think how all these enthusiasm/optimism/passion dissolves within one day proves a point, au contraire.

Why bite off more than you can chew, ms try-to-act-tough?

It's the same whole viscious cycle, my dear

Why do you never learn?

*throws hands up in air*

miffed,
belle

Insomnia returns - with its successful sequels

 

The concept of Sleep has successfully joined the concept of Love, in all its elusiveness and disappointments.

The more you try to shut them peepers tight to force yourself into snoozy-land, the more frustrated you become - your thoughts all jumping around, flashbacks all abound, but that tinge of sleepiness nowhere to be found.

Make yourself physically exhausted by turtle-swimming in the pool? Checked.

Make yourself mentally tired by reading heavy duty stuff (coupled with bad reading light, cold thunderous weather, and a turtle-speed processor)? Checked.

It took me 1.5 hours to fall asleep last night, from 5.30am.

I think the worst things to lose in life are indeed your soul, your mind and your sleep.

Zzzzzz,

Izzy

One year hiatus

Time flies, and it's been more than a year since I last penned my random thoughts on this blog.

This must have been the longest since I ever stopped writing - seems to be rather reflective of my state of mind in the past year: all over the place and sorting out thoughts.

And what a year it has been.

Another chapter has closed for me, as I move on away from my comfort zone, in that cushy chair surrounded by piles of concept papers, evaluation reports, minutes (groans), presentation slides, files and my trusty old computer, to a smaller yet less cosy environment enclosed in a glass tank. I made this choice - and apprehensive as I may be, I will (have to) deal with it. Hopefully, strongly though.

And while lies perpetuate still amongst your circle of friends and colleagues about my psychotic bitchiness, friendships forged will only unravel the truths, layer by layers, shreds by shreds -

who ARE you?

Or rather, who are you trying to pretend? What are you trying to hide from?

Everyone has a past, or pasts, for that matter - you cower in that cob-webbed corner of yours, spun by the incessant layers of filthy half-truths (i dont deny i can be a bitch sometimes) or complete lies, hiding behind the thick books you pride yourself on having read before, covered loosely by the white curtain stained with tears.

I don't care about you anymore, neither should you - so please, grow up and stop blaming the whole world for your past regrets/mistakes/etc, and victimizing yourself.

I don't see how spreading rumours/truths that exist in your head to your friends or colleagues who don't even know me is going to make you seem a more acceptable or likeable person. Is this what they teach you in your profession - giving up your responsibilities or to the extent of character assassination?

Your colleagues/friends will not give a damn about what happened between us - in fact, they can't even be bothered about a name that they can't put a face to/ have not even spoken to - so why stoop so lowly?

Move on with your sweetly nectared life, and get a grip.

And remember, karma bites you back in the ass.

*calms down*

Those irritants aside, I have been trying to deal with the extra time on my hands - it's funny how you don't really know how to handle the precious amount of time you've been beggin' for.

Almost one week left, here's hoping that more will be accomplished and I will be ready for the next phase of my life.

And with that, it's time to catch some sleep - before I turn grouchier.

Joining the bed bugs,
Izzy

image credits: www.davidbithell.com

Of Space and Liminality

Was rummaging through online pictures when I found this picture very inspiring.
Somehow, it seems to describe and depict how I feel inside.
Messy. Liminal. Yet Empty.

I see a mess and also an empty space in this picture. Probably describes things in my head too.

The past weeks have been so busy, and finally the Dance Competition for the under 13s kicked off last Saturday.
Somehow, seeing those cute and funky kids dance their way to the championship made EVERYTHING all worth it. I guess, as a goal-oriented person, this is extremely important to me.

I was really inspired by their energy and passion for life,
and started contemplating about life,
about how I was so driven by I-don't-know-what-kinda-force in uni, joining events and fulfilling all my interests.
and now i look at my life, i feel so shallow.

wakeup-gotowork-eatbreakfast-typepapers-gomeetings-eatlunch-typepapers-freshair-breatheforafewmoments-typepapers-gohome-playiphone-eatdinner-(insert stoning activity such as mahjong, texas hold'em, reading, writing, looking out the window with a roll of paper...)-sleep.

i started monday morning bright and chirpy...and it's wednesday, and it's gonna be down hill.

i'm exhausted, uninspired, unnerved, un... un... unsure.

what's life about? a mundane cycle?
it's eating me up.

oh yes, and of liminality.
of grey areas.
why do things always have to be black OR white?
can't they be black and white?
why must we ALWAYS know what we are doing?
why can't we just sit on our decisions and NOT feel bad?
why does life get SO complicated as the age shoots up exponentially?
why can't I just stop wondering about life?

Sometimes, I take lifts and as the lift more often than not opens at almost every other floor, before my floor,
I create and imagine the characters coming into the lift,
with their own life stories,
with their own preoccupations,
flaws, hiccups, weaknesses, soft spots.

And then I imagine ways to cheer them up (cos people always look so glum/uncomfortable when sharing the lift)

and then it's my turn to get out of the lift.

Understand my point?
No?
It's alright. Neither do I.

Grumpsie
Izzy

Photo credits to: http://willthomasonline.wordpress.com/tag/churches

Spread thin like butter

You know how sometimes, you end work, and have not eaten for past 12 hours,

but you just end up collapsing on the bed, snuggling in the blanket and enjoying the air-con,

without feeling a single pang of hunger?

That's exactly how I feel now, and how I felt for the past few days.

It's been one hell of a week! Those cursed paperwork, high heels and non-stop computer screen staring.

How come work never gets done? After you put your focus on one task, and complete it after gobbling a sandwich (yucks) and having a super thick and concentrated tea, you find yourself drowning in 5 more assignments, targeted to be completed by next week?

I ended up this big grumpy grouch, perched in front of my computer, staring at files and websites, typing incessantly and quickly as if my life depended on it, and then, shit happens and you end up having to find the files, to fill up the gaps in your tasks, having to liaise with vendors, picking up phonecalls, dealing with last minute crap and before you know it, it's 8pm *gulps*

One ranting post, and I foresee many to come. I'd thought after the club campaign I completed in Dec, things would be a little less hectic (meaning, I no longer have to voluntarily work on Sat, Sun, afterwork, bring work home, sleep at 2am, type non-stop, have no time to even do things I like).

Apparently, life has its awesome surprises for us, and the next few months certainly don't look any rosier.

Dear God, if you can't make me less busy or tired, can you at least increase my salary?

At least, my cursed life has more monetary value than my educational investments.

P.S: Daniel said life's a slut. Why? Cos a bitch screws everyone but you, but a slut screws everyone, including you.

Succumbing to the heavy eyelids,

Izzy

When the going gets a little too tough...

The tough take a little rest before they embark further on the journey.

Someone once told me,

There's a time for work and there's a time for play.

When we've worked enough we should always take a rest.

It's good for our eyes, our body and it's good for our work.

Afterall,

休息是為了走更長遠的路.

For all the work weary souls out there, including myself
hang in there.

It will all work out, all in good time.

Sleepy,
Izzy

Life's little surprises

Life likes to play funny jokes on us, especially when we least expect it.

I realise the current job I am holding is something I applied for when I was in 3rd year in NUS. And at that point of time, I hadn't thought of doing an additional Honours year -

I was only contemplating what to do with my life but somehow, I decided to take on honours and just bumped my way along the 4th year.

After which, I applied for a graduate scheme in an airline company, following by a short editing stint. Then I realised those weren't me.

When I decided to tidy up my life, there was an opening in the main agency that I was keen on.

However, not armed with a Psychology degree but instead a Sociology one, I was offered other options in the other arms of the main agency.

And at that point of time during the second interview, I learned of the opening of my current position - which I was keen on. I took it on, and here I am,

Yet, it is strange it never rang a bell.

And here I am, in a full circle right from where I began.

x x x x x x x x x x x

Similarly, Dan's the man I met a couple of years ago, in an uncanny situation where I was visiting my ex boyfriend (who happens to be Dan's good friend) in a hospital. Our eyes met briefly but it all ended there.

Fast forward 4 years, we had an unexpected and unplanned encounter, this time with my ex boyfriend organizing a gathering, on a July evening.

And somehow, things bumped and collided and worked itself out.

And ironically, it was only during our first few meetings that I mentioned to Dan that he really looked familiar from a 4-year-ago encounter.

And there we were, realizing that we had met years ago.

Moral of the story: If you are meant to be, you are meant to be.

If you are meant to meet, there's no running away from it.

That's cos life brings you back to a full circle - unexpected, unplanned, unknowingly-

and while we never know what what's up for us in the future (distant or far), the best we can do is cherish what we have, be it our careers, our loved ones, our families, our life.

Spooked,

Izzy

Misery comes in pairs...

... or maybe even in batches...

Sometimes I think that the world is a pretty depressing place.

The economic crisis aptly named the Great Recession, worse since 1920s Great Depression;

The global warming that saw the ice bridge melt,

The perpetual mad weather that flits from hot uncomfortable heat to pouring wet days;

And now,

the swine flu, or rather now known as the H1N1 virus, that's causing people to panic worldwide.

Now, it's known to have infected Italy, UK, Germany, N. Korea, Hong Kong, New Zealand...

It's almost as if the world is not depressing enough.

On another note, Dan and I took his company's dog to the vet as it was limping badly.

The vet diagnosed it as bite wounds (thankfully, no broken bones) and the leg was shaven, cleaned and cream was applied on it.

The brave dog, Tiger, even took the injection without any whining.

It's indeed the most adorable dog ever as it does not even bark and it's very obedient.

The only time it resisted was when it had the stinging cream applied on it.

I couldn't help but tears fell when I saw it limping when we took it for a walk at midnight just now,

it's very heartbreaking to see a dog in pain.

Here's hoping that the world gets a little better.

It's sure not encouraging to read depressing news everyday.

iLost my iPhone - An Eulogy

Goodbye my friend.

Thank you for being with me, weathering through it all,
(Literally, because you always provided me with weather forecasts of cities all over the world.)

For bearing with my garbled fumbled incoherent typings amidst pints of beers,
For being music to my ears with the latest library of iTunes
For waking me up on mornings, though I didn't really want to.
For days that you snapped beautiful rainbows and my escapade to Manchester
For being the good old, trusty you.

Lost,
Izzy

Looks like my birthday present to myself shall be a new phone. =(

Quote of the Day

"Belle,

You could have fallen on your knees and scraped your knees,
But you fell from the plane, standing up.

This is a new opportunity and it's not a bad thing at all.
In fact, it's a brand new start with promising prospects.
I'm very happy for you."

Thank you KJ.
For always being there and offering very sound advice and encouraging words.
Your quote about falling but landing on my knees inspired me a lot. =)

Squeezed dry

A blank slate of paper

Jumbled thoughts, darting around the corners

Pelted on the ground, vaulting into the empyrean

Sprawling across the surfaces

The pen tip almost reaches for them -

The infinite teasing and taunting

The promising glow

The brazen possibilities

all evanesce into thin air

once the tip touches them.

A smudged botch of rumination.

Procrastination

Procrastination - I'll do that tomorrow.

Rubber band

Stretched until it's taut,

Inching every way you can,

In all directions

Until the breaking point -

And then you let go.

And the rubber band lays there lifeless

Devoid of expression

Drained of energy

Denied of life.

The harder you throw, the further it bounces.

I'll remember.

We Scare, Because We Care

As Adrian Pang told his little baby co-actress in the Chinese TV serial last night,

"Little girl... This world's full of crazy weirdos...

I hope you never grow up..."

I cannot agree more.

If only we all could choose. =)