Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.
The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.
However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.
Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.
Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.
Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.
I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.
Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).
I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.
It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.
Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.
It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.
That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?
Yes belle, why the change?
Pondering,
Belle
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