Say goodbye

Photo credits: reverendmom.blogspot.com

Three days before I left for HK, I received a call from a secondary school friend.

In a shaky voice, she quickly said hello and wavered for a little. My heart sank - it was the age that you never wanted to pick up sudden calls in fear of the worst.

She apologised softly for calling, and started to ask me if I remembered X. Before I even said "yes, of course", the words "what happened?" leapt out of my mouth, almost too quickly before I could control myself.

He left us, that was what happened.

The next evening, I found ourselves sitting on the cold red chairs at his wake, in the awkward silence where words had become superfluous. Some of us were blinking away hot tears - he was still so young. Charming, brilliant, young.

Sometimes, in our endless chase for our pursuits, we seem to have forgotten to breathe. As the world whirls by so quickly, we have held our breaths, frantically following what seems to be the only correct way to carve our careers; perhaps to pay our bills, to pursue our dreams or to achieve greater material goods.

It is only when a death, a sudden one, stops you in your tracks and you drop all that you are carrying at once, and see yourself in the middle of the entire societal frenzy where blurred images pass you by, some of them whom once seemed so familiar but have become merely flitting images of what you once thought you knew.

I wish such tragedies never have to happen, for us to remember how fragile we all are. Today has been given to us, but tomorrow can never be promised to us.

Sometimes, when our lives seem to be engulfed by work or matters of the heart, it may appear as though there is this gargantuan rock blocking your path, and there is no way out.

But at the end of the day, a job is still a job - I wouldn't have had such sentiments in my idealistic and passionate undergraduate days - because when we leave this world, we are often not remembered by how late we worked after office hours, the fantastic business proposal we spent insane hours on, the accolades we pile on our LinkedIn / Facebook accounts or the 5 digit salary we earned, but we are missed by our loved ones for the memories we left during our short stay on this earth. Of course, many may not be chasing a career, just to earn praises and acknowledgement from the Bosses; but when you eventually lie in your final resting place, all that is left of you - is you. Not the tangible rewards/awards/pursuits, not even the post graduate degree you chased for. What is left is the last laughter you shared with a friend you've not met in the last decade, the last time you sat down for proper dinner without any social media device interrupting your meal with your family, the last time you told your partner a "thank you" or an "i love you" when you had the time.

I think we are sorely lacking a work-life balance in today's world - I can't remember the last time I actually spent some time with my loved ones, just focusing on them alone, without grabbing my iPhone for a snap to immortalise this moment on Instagram, without sharing the photos of dinner on FaceBook or simply replying a "quick urgent email".

We all need to learn to live, to breathe, to love,  all over again.

To my friend, I hope you find peace now, and that you remain always so henceforth.

Silenced,
Belle

One year hiatus

Time flies, and it's been more than a year since I last penned my random thoughts on this blog.

This must have been the longest since I ever stopped writing - seems to be rather reflective of my state of mind in the past year: all over the place and sorting out thoughts.

And what a year it has been.

Another chapter has closed for me, as I move on away from my comfort zone, in that cushy chair surrounded by piles of concept papers, evaluation reports, minutes (groans), presentation slides, files and my trusty old computer, to a smaller yet less cosy environment enclosed in a glass tank. I made this choice - and apprehensive as I may be, I will (have to) deal with it. Hopefully, strongly though.

And while lies perpetuate still amongst your circle of friends and colleagues about my psychotic bitchiness, friendships forged will only unravel the truths, layer by layers, shreds by shreds -

who ARE you?

Or rather, who are you trying to pretend? What are you trying to hide from?

Everyone has a past, or pasts, for that matter - you cower in that cob-webbed corner of yours, spun by the incessant layers of filthy half-truths (i dont deny i can be a bitch sometimes) or complete lies, hiding behind the thick books you pride yourself on having read before, covered loosely by the white curtain stained with tears.

I don't care about you anymore, neither should you - so please, grow up and stop blaming the whole world for your past regrets/mistakes/etc, and victimizing yourself.

I don't see how spreading rumours/truths that exist in your head to your friends or colleagues who don't even know me is going to make you seem a more acceptable or likeable person. Is this what they teach you in your profession - giving up your responsibilities or to the extent of character assassination?

Your colleagues/friends will not give a damn about what happened between us - in fact, they can't even be bothered about a name that they can't put a face to/ have not even spoken to - so why stoop so lowly?

Move on with your sweetly nectared life, and get a grip.

And remember, karma bites you back in the ass.

*calms down*

Those irritants aside, I have been trying to deal with the extra time on my hands - it's funny how you don't really know how to handle the precious amount of time you've been beggin' for.

Almost one week left, here's hoping that more will be accomplished and I will be ready for the next phase of my life.

And with that, it's time to catch some sleep - before I turn grouchier.

Joining the bed bugs,
Izzy

Whhheeee!

Credits to: Libraryman in Flickr

Yay!

Finally something to be happy about in these moments of darkness -

pb is in! (or at least, i know the amount for now...)

it's morrre than i expected, and i'm grateful for what i have :)

Now, for that yummy dslr..

image credits: www.davidbithell.com

Of Space and Liminality

Was rummaging through online pictures when I found this picture very inspiring.
Somehow, it seems to describe and depict how I feel inside.
Messy. Liminal. Yet Empty.

I see a mess and also an empty space in this picture. Probably describes things in my head too.

The past weeks have been so busy, and finally the Dance Competition for the under 13s kicked off last Saturday.
Somehow, seeing those cute and funky kids dance their way to the championship made EVERYTHING all worth it. I guess, as a goal-oriented person, this is extremely important to me.

I was really inspired by their energy and passion for life,
and started contemplating about life,
about how I was so driven by I-don't-know-what-kinda-force in uni, joining events and fulfilling all my interests.
and now i look at my life, i feel so shallow.

wakeup-gotowork-eatbreakfast-typepapers-gomeetings-eatlunch-typepapers-freshair-breatheforafewmoments-typepapers-gohome-playiphone-eatdinner-(insert stoning activity such as mahjong, texas hold'em, reading, writing, looking out the window with a roll of paper...)-sleep.

i started monday morning bright and chirpy...and it's wednesday, and it's gonna be down hill.

i'm exhausted, uninspired, unnerved, un... un... unsure.

what's life about? a mundane cycle?
it's eating me up.

oh yes, and of liminality.
of grey areas.
why do things always have to be black OR white?
can't they be black and white?
why must we ALWAYS know what we are doing?
why can't we just sit on our decisions and NOT feel bad?
why does life get SO complicated as the age shoots up exponentially?
why can't I just stop wondering about life?

Sometimes, I take lifts and as the lift more often than not opens at almost every other floor, before my floor,
I create and imagine the characters coming into the lift,
with their own life stories,
with their own preoccupations,
flaws, hiccups, weaknesses, soft spots.

And then I imagine ways to cheer them up (cos people always look so glum/uncomfortable when sharing the lift)

and then it's my turn to get out of the lift.

Understand my point?
No?
It's alright. Neither do I.

Grumpsie
Izzy

Photo credits to: http://willthomasonline.wordpress.com/tag/churches

Spread thin like butter

You know how sometimes, you end work, and have not eaten for past 12 hours,

but you just end up collapsing on the bed, snuggling in the blanket and enjoying the air-con,

without feeling a single pang of hunger?

That's exactly how I feel now, and how I felt for the past few days.

It's been one hell of a week! Those cursed paperwork, high heels and non-stop computer screen staring.

How come work never gets done? After you put your focus on one task, and complete it after gobbling a sandwich (yucks) and having a super thick and concentrated tea, you find yourself drowning in 5 more assignments, targeted to be completed by next week?

I ended up this big grumpy grouch, perched in front of my computer, staring at files and websites, typing incessantly and quickly as if my life depended on it, and then, shit happens and you end up having to find the files, to fill up the gaps in your tasks, having to liaise with vendors, picking up phonecalls, dealing with last minute crap and before you know it, it's 8pm *gulps*

One ranting post, and I foresee many to come. I'd thought after the club campaign I completed in Dec, things would be a little less hectic (meaning, I no longer have to voluntarily work on Sat, Sun, afterwork, bring work home, sleep at 2am, type non-stop, have no time to even do things I like).

Apparently, life has its awesome surprises for us, and the next few months certainly don't look any rosier.

Dear God, if you can't make me less busy or tired, can you at least increase my salary?

At least, my cursed life has more monetary value than my educational investments.

P.S: Daniel said life's a slut. Why? Cos a bitch screws everyone but you, but a slut screws everyone, including you.

Succumbing to the heavy eyelids,

Izzy

'nuff said... Need a breather now...

Breathless,

Izzy

Pencil shreds

Like a pencil sharpener,

you grate me, train me, tease me

in the hope of sharpening me...

Instead, i lose weight

in the incessant pressure of your razor sharp teeth

in fact i thin out, faster than ever,

lying in a debris with the other failed competitors.

Flattened, abandoned, forgotten,

i am just one of the many colourful pencil shreddings

that form part of your decoration and become your decorum.

The constant pulverizing, mincing, razing

leaves me no space to catch my breath amidst

your caustic and jagged fangs of rusty pearly-whites.

Thinning out,

izzy

When the going gets a little too tough...

The tough take a little rest before they embark further on the journey.

Someone once told me,

There's a time for work and there's a time for play.

When we've worked enough we should always take a rest.

It's good for our eyes, our body and it's good for our work.

Afterall,

休息是為了走更長遠的路.

For all the work weary souls out there, including myself
hang in there.

It will all work out, all in good time.

Sleepy,
Izzy

Life's little surprises

Life likes to play funny jokes on us, especially when we least expect it.

I realise the current job I am holding is something I applied for when I was in 3rd year in NUS. And at that point of time, I hadn't thought of doing an additional Honours year -

I was only contemplating what to do with my life but somehow, I decided to take on honours and just bumped my way along the 4th year.

After which, I applied for a graduate scheme in an airline company, following by a short editing stint. Then I realised those weren't me.

When I decided to tidy up my life, there was an opening in the main agency that I was keen on.

However, not armed with a Psychology degree but instead a Sociology one, I was offered other options in the other arms of the main agency.

And at that point of time during the second interview, I learned of the opening of my current position - which I was keen on. I took it on, and here I am,

Yet, it is strange it never rang a bell.

And here I am, in a full circle right from where I began.

x x x x x x x x x x x

Similarly, Dan's the man I met a couple of years ago, in an uncanny situation where I was visiting my ex boyfriend (who happens to be Dan's good friend) in a hospital. Our eyes met briefly but it all ended there.

Fast forward 4 years, we had an unexpected and unplanned encounter, this time with my ex boyfriend organizing a gathering, on a July evening.

And somehow, things bumped and collided and worked itself out.

And ironically, it was only during our first few meetings that I mentioned to Dan that he really looked familiar from a 4-year-ago encounter.

And there we were, realizing that we had met years ago.

Moral of the story: If you are meant to be, you are meant to be.

If you are meant to meet, there's no running away from it.

That's cos life brings you back to a full circle - unexpected, unplanned, unknowingly-

and while we never know what what's up for us in the future (distant or far), the best we can do is cherish what we have, be it our careers, our loved ones, our families, our life.

Spooked,

Izzy

Happy (but tired) Feet

My soles are crying for help from the day long tottering about in killer heels.

And I guess I'm solely responsible. (couldn't resist the pun)

=)

Work just ended and it's been a mad mad rush for 12 whole hours.

Just got back after ending at 8pm.

Nonetheless, though I am too tired to eat dinner everyday, I find meaning in my work.

Seems like what a sociologist aims to find in life - meaning. =)

I'm finally happy, after a long time.

Maxed out,
Izzy

Crash and burn

Burnt out...
Tired out...
Crashed out...

I feel like my feet are not mine anymore...
I think my mind has stopped thinking... (the irony of this sentence... )
I sense nothing anymore...

I need a breather...

But at least I know when you crash and burn,
you're not alone...

Zonked out,
Izzy

TGIF!

Once again, my favourite day of the week :)

We brought Kellye, from UK, to Holland V to chill at Harry's and it was a very enjoyable time. Sitting down, sipping down amidst the thin rolls wedged between the fingers, a few small bites of finger food, infectious laughter, nothing too heavy.

=) I haven't been this happy for quite some time.

The wonders Fridays bring to you once you start work.


Bring on the happy spirit,

Izzy

My Current FaceBook Status:

Isabelle Oh
has found her drive again =) after almost a year of hiatus.3 hours ago

Yup, this is what my facebook reads now.

It's amazing how I feel so much more refreshed and driven about my life now.

I was told that I'm handing the portfolio of the Economics section,
and not forgetting my roots in Sociology,
I suggested that we could focus a little more on this aspect.


Let's see how it goes, and hopefully I will be able to help contribute in these ways.
=)

Blown away.
Izzy

Quote of the Day

"Belle,

You could have fallen on your knees and scraped your knees,
But you fell from the plane, standing up.

This is a new opportunity and it's not a bad thing at all.
In fact, it's a brand new start with promising prospects.
I'm very happy for you."

Thank you KJ.
For always being there and offering very sound advice and encouraging words.
Your quote about falling but landing on my knees inspired me a lot. =)

A Carebear A Day, Keeps The Gloom Away

At least that's what I want to believe.
While it can be pretty dreary and high stressing in the office,
we all have our little ways to cheer up our own workstations.

Especially for someone like me, who's exceptionally "organized",
i have my care bears to brighten up my space.
Especially when I have a huge Night time bear sitting opposite me,
always ready for a cuddle when I'm feeling down.

And that's why my colleague said I looked like I was a little kid in a kindergarten,
hugging my huge care bear and typing away.

To each his own, I guess. =)

Twinkling of an eye

It's amazing how time flies. It's been almost 8 months since I commenced work and before you know it, it's going to be one year. As usual, work's hectic and always mad. Hardly any time for breather, and by the time work ends, I take a little rest and it's time to sleep and prepare for another day of stress... This job is certainly making me have a shorter life, with the pressure and deadlines... And it has made me abhor writing. Seriously.

24 this year, and I set myself several goals that I have to meet - just like when I was 21.

Sometimes I really wonder...24 and what have I achieved?

I guess it's an answer I'll get when it gets to December... End of year and the time for self-reflection...

Meanwhile, it's back to the usual mundane grind of life, biting my lips and holding on to work... And I still have my contemplations amidst the stability...

I seem to have lost energy for things I enjoy doing... The pressure of work is turning me into a words-churning machine... Need a space for creativity and imagination...

Time to take a breather before I burn out.

Terminal Velocity

There are some days I really do love my job,
And today it is one of them.

The most interesting aspect of this job is to whizz past the milling crowd of travellers on a travellator, sensing their excitement (and fatigue at times) and recounting in my head the destinations they are travelling to..

Awaiting fervently as they stream in from their destinations, many happy to meet their loved ones...
Counting anxiously as the time is running out and the need to locate the forgetful traveller becomes increasing pressing....
Observing carefully as an imagined traveller and stepping into the shoes of them...

Travel does wonders for the soul.
I wish I was the one leaving on a jetplane though.

I remember my last flight from Paris to Newcastle in 2006 where I was stuck in Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport due flight delay and it was reaching the end of my exchange days in Europe..
I was finishing my 3rd year of university and was wondering what to do with my life...

Then I was looking around and found several globetrotters, on their PDAs, laptops, working furiously as the plane was further delayed...
And I told myself I would definitely have a job that requires me to travel around a fair bit... and work even when I am travelling in the airport...

It appears I am relatively close to my dream... In a certain funny way...
Life brings you in a large circle, here I am...

Nevertheless, I certainly hope one day I would be closer to this dream of mine.

Sad-a-day (Saturday)

It's a bright and lazy Saturday afternoon,
and I'm the only one typing away in my office
while most people are sleeping, shopping or chatting away.

While this is my first Saturday spent working in office and I doubt it will be the last,
I pretty much enjoy being left alone with the huge office to myself and
doing my work slowly and independently.
It's quite a different feeling, and even my work doesn't look so scary anymore.

At the end of a day,
it's a matter of perspective. =)
Saturdays with work don't have to be 'Sad-a-days'...

Most importantly, it is to love what you are doing,
because it takes the difficulties out of your work.

Back to work, until I take a breather later.

A Good Weekend

Finally a breather from the hectic hell week.

It's with these crazy weekdays that I start to appreciate the short weekends I have.

It's the littlest things in life that makes me smile.

My friends introduced me to this place in Changi,

called the Fisherman's Village, which sadly is not the same as before.

However, I enjoyed every minute of it because it was beautiful.

Underneath the starry skies,

I could have my dinner,

enjoy the sea breeze and take in the break-taking night scenery

sip a little of my ice cold beer

share some of our thoughts

feel the warmth of the wavering candle light

laugh away the troubling thoughts of work

smell the salty air

touch the sandy beach with my toes

let go a little.

I love the beach at night because it calms me down,

it lets me forget about my problems,

taking me far away...

It gives me time to stop and take a breather.

Been on numerous car rides, with the stereo just blasting away.

I think music has a great soothing effect on me,

the tunes lull me into relaxing,

the lyrics spin my mind,

and having a smooth car ride just makes the day so much better.

A good weekend that has helped me destressed even though I feel a little ill.

Been working overtime for almost everyday,

and I also brought work home.

This is the epitome of how work never ends.

Nice and lazy Sundays, to cuddle under the blankets,

to refuse to wake up, to switch off the alarms without guilt,

to take a slow leisure walk, to slowly enjoy life...

My favourite quote still remains:

Taking a rest allows us to walk further.

Now, its Sunday and after going for dinner later,

it's back to hitting the work again.

At least, I feel much more well-rested for the next week. =)

Seeing Stars

After numerous hours of tiresome typing,

my eyes are beginning to tear and

i'm starting to see stars...