Making sense of my life...

Deep into the night
where tired bodies lay resting
lonely minds stay wandering
I lie awake, flipping through the collages of my life
Bit by bit, chapter by chapter,
with theme songs to match every phase of my life.

Have been no angel,
and won't try to pretend to be one.
As I trudge along my life,
the footprints that have entered and left my world
good and bad, joy and pain, laughters and tears,
all made me who I was, who I am and who I will be.

While memories may haunt,
I have no need to ask to erase all of you away.
Days come and go where I get reminded of
the naivety of us, the love we all shared, the hurt we felt and the life we lived.

To you, you, you and all of you.
Thank you.
You have made me learn so much,
out from academic textbooks,
away from the beautiful sheltered life I was in.


To you.
I learned the art of self-defence,
To guard my heart from the madness
To forgive and forget
To grieve
To distrust
One year was short, but nothing short of the following struggling years
I learned the ugly sides that people embodied
I learned that
pounding hands don't hurt
shedding tears do lie
loving words don't cost a thing
being together does haunt
sharing affinity doesn't matter
loving me does hurt
being young doesn't mean being naive
at all

Thank you
for the closing of our chapter.


To you.
You made me learn about how love could be so simple.
How nothing said and all, and the littlest things in life,
such as helping me collect notes, tutoring me in Math, shielding me from the rain,
taking the same buses, waiting at the basketball court for you, not saying too much
All amounts to so much.
I wrote a poem for you during my Lit class,
I never knew I could write like this.
Until today,
I wish to forget what has happened.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
But life turns itself in amusing ways,
and somehow your name gets mentioned even after 6 years.
I am sorry for all I've done.
And believe me when I say I never meant to be hurting.
The reason why I've been consciously changing, forgetting, avoiding, escaping
is clear.
But thank you.
You made me stronger, forced me to cherish.
Thank you.

To you.
Two and a half years officially together do not mean nothing to me.
We spent much more time together,
frolicking in youth
embracing life
relishing arts
polishing our craft
bracing the winds
learning the ropes
falling down
bruising ourselves
lying down on the green pastures of life
challenging rules

All those separation pain seem so much like games, don't they?
We were
too young,
too naîve,
too trusting,
too ambitious,
too pleasure-seeking,
too blind.

Footsteps you left behind are like seasons left and gone,
Like summer,
our love was warm,
flowers bloomed
and
two lovers perched upon a tree.
Like autumn,
everything froze,
they gained clear vision
retracting their steps
built higher walls
preparing
Like winter,
the trees blew dry
the rustling of the leaves no more
perhaps, a twig or leaf
but all crushed and buried.

Spring arrives.
Bringing in new joy
Fresh crispy leaves
Another tree,
a restart.
Tears of joy and pain, forgotten.

Like the shadow,
unshaken off and lingering
Like the glimmering glisten of the silver bits
Edged deeply into the red pounding apple
It beats no more
and sometimes it beats a little more.

Thank you.
You taught me self-love,
how to never ever let another automaton take over me,
a doll never again.
Sincerity and love, were all I offered.
Swiftly trust and love were all you took away.

My mask, you never ripped apart,
A thicker unrecognizable mask ensued.
Someday, somehow, you were gonna make it alright
But just not then.

Bitterness never lingers,
Emptiness it left.
Thank you,
for when a door of happiness truly slams shut
another door creaks open silently
until she bumps again and again into it.

My craft, you probably cease to relish
Nevertheless, my most heartfelt
Thank you,
I learned the most.
I learned to walk, to nurse the cuts and bruises
I learned to dance, to embrace the blizzards and storms
I learned to sing, to chase the blues away
I learned to laugh, to have the truest smiles from my heart
I learned to live, to carpe diem and to travel the world
I learned to love, to be myself, to let myself go and love fierily

Thank you, you all.

For you.
Thank you.
Like a never grown-up kid,
I had to learn all over to trust, love, and run for help.
The warm steady hand
Never falters, never disappoints
The rain or shine
Shelters me, protects me
The beautiful eyes
Never lie, never hurt
You are beautiful the way you are.
Because I am loved for everything I am.
Every inch.

I am but a shield.
But now
no more.