To be or not to be?

Did some real thinking today after watching 15
and i really realised that I have to get down to thinking
about what i was gonna do after i graduated

i wanted to be teacher
partly cos i really like teaching
but mostly because i really feel the need to connect to youngsters
that was the reason why i chose to take up the teaching award

but part of me gave it up cos
i was not sure i was going to stay in singapore then
as i was in a previous long term relationship
where he was not gonna stay in singapore
maybe i thought too far, too ahead


and partly cos i was really interested to take up a job in the corporate world or in
events management
to discover what i was really supposed to be good for
i wanted to graduate first and just find myself


but after i gave up the teaching award
i stopped myself from thinking about it
cos it made me guilty that i chose to give it up

i watched roystan tan's 15 just now
and it brought up waves of feelings in me
that i knew
deep down
i really really still want to be a counsellor
to the young people
in neighbourhood schools

i dont look down on them
in fact, i sort of grew up with them
when i was in a supposedly prestigious secondary school
where my fellow school mates were seemingly pursuing these academic goals
but i felt like there was something more to life

and so,
in the arcades
me and my besties from rv
just hung around
i observed the lives of the people who came from the neighbourhood schools
their lives were more than just doing well
they had real worries,
maybe they just didnt do well in school
but they were human
they were real.
maybe i was just biased against ppl in my school
but i felt they could never understand how the neighbourhood kids felt
neither could i
i could never
but i wanted to.

and now as i grow up
and look fondly back at the times
where we would just sit and chat
and look at some of them smoke
drink
and possibly live their lives 'decadently' as people would seem to feel
i wish i could talk to them

and now,
i feel that calling again
getting stronger and deeper
that i really really want to do social work
or even teach them

i dont want to teach in a prestigious good school
cos i know i have nothing to offer them
they are bright kids

but i know i want to share
i want to listen to the kids who feel noone cares
i want to feel
i want to help
i want them to know people do care.

the cases of people i have seen
cutting themselves
hurting themselves
being in crowds but still being alone
crying out but noone hears
make me feel very sad.

i know people think that i cant do anything much
maybe people will laugh at my dreams
but i so believe in the starfish story
i cant save all the starfish on the beach
but if i pick them one by one,
at least one will be saved.

and similarly for the kids
i dont expect me to dramatically change their lives
but i just have this yearning to be there.

i really hope that someday,
i will know if i should pursue this calling.