Good morning, Sunday!

Like every morning for the past few days, I slowly pried my eyes open before struggling to let some light into my world. Because of the medications Dan placed in my eyes the night before, I have to be very careful when I wake up.

This cute image greeted my eyes once my eyelids fluttered open - Dan had placed Buibui on my newly bought ladybug cushion - and it was such a cute sight to see that fatty happily relaxing.

Despite this week's bad news about my cornea's inability to function (for now), this has been one of the best weeks so far.

I have been sleeping well with no nightmares for the longest time, especially with these few nights where I was tucked to sleep by Dan who would meticulously take care of me and place my eye medications.

I think, for the past years when I have always been unable to sleep well and I dream (mostly nightmares) more than I really sleep, it might have been because I was always feeling uneasy and insecure.

Too many departures in such a short span of time - it has always been difficult for me to say goodbye amidst tears.

Not that I have gotten used to people leaving me, but I think there's really no point fretting about losing my loved ones around me - this is no longer within my control and allowing this to keep me wide awake staring at the ceiling in the depths of the night is not going to change anything.

If anything, I think this fear has made me ultra-paranoid, and very closed-up  and not willing to open myself up to anyone because it hurts terribly when people leave you, after you have opened yourself up. I think this fear has given myself an excuse not to enjoy what I have on hand, but the burden of constant worries.

Maybe this is what Life is about - about learning to cope with joyous meetings and tearful departures, and adapting to the consistent changes. I wasn't strong enough to take on this challenge, but I know I am getting better - at least, I no longer wake up crying from nightmares about people dying around me, for a long time.

I feel a sense of contentment, which I have not felt the longest time, and I am looking forward to being able to feel this way for a bit longer.

I have gotten my engagement ring resized - and finally it's back with me. Initially, I didn't want to resize it because I attach too much emotions to everything around me (yes, I am a compulsive hoarder...) and I was reluctant to part ways with the ring that Dan proposed with - I was unsure whether the shop would return with another bigger ring, which wouldn't be the same ring again, and so I was ready to live with a slightly small ring.

Then I realised that wouldn't be the case as they would send the ring to be re-sized, and I could verify it with the diamond's serial number - only then I was alright with sending the ring to the jeweller.

Sometimes, I think I'm too hard on myself - I want things to be done the perfect, non-compromising way. and the only way I know how.

When things do not go my way, I get panicky and I cannot sleep. This is something I have avoided admitting to myself; and I think I really have to start working on this issue. Because when I insist on being perfectionistic and ignore all the other advice/methods, I shut myself off and become difficult to talk to, and I tend to make it very challenging for my other half.

Well, self-awareness and self-acknowledgment are the first baby steps right...?

I must stop driving myself crazy with my idiosyncrasies, and learn to really breathe and learn - that it is really okay, for things not to be perfectly okay all the time.

It's been a great weekend so far, just me and the melancholic music playing... I really do like living my life now, with so much less drama :)

Blessed,
Belle

Tranquility

There is a sense of calm brewing inside me (can calmness be brewed, actually?), and it's like waiting for the time to slowly tick away.

One by one, the leaves break away from the twigs they belong to, and descend into free fall from the grasp which they once felt secured.

I never once got affected when this seasonal change happened -

maybe because I was, deliberately, too distant?

Once you let the doorway open slightly and allow the light to slowly permeate through, the beam of light indeed makes you wonder -

ironically, not whether the world out there is very much different;

but rather when will the season of change blow in your face?

Maybe it's hard to tell when your eyes have become misty.


Puzzled,
Belle

The sky is clear...

Photo credits: http://cullogo.com

...for now.

The specialist has cleared that:

I'm not going blind,
yet.

The good news is that - my corneas have been badly worn out and they need rest, pronto.
So the specialist has given me 5 types of medications for me to squeeze (urgh!) into my eyes and for me to take as much rest and avoid glares from the sun/the computer screen/the ipad/iphone/i-whatever.

The bad news is that - I thought it was my left eye acting up - but no, both my eyes are now crying for help as they have multiple holes and it's making my life very tough.

2 weeks more to a 2nd appointment - meanwhile, I am thankful that the hypochondriac me wasn't correct in self-diagnosing my symptoms as something more serious!

Here's hoping my eyes recover speedily after 10 years of abuse :(

Blurry-eyed,
Belle

Counting my blessings

      Image credits: http://apogeelearning.blogspot.sg

Shortly past my 28th birthday, a few unpleasant things have happened, especially my health, and I was really getting a little too upset about them.

I have been having sleepless nights and the health issue is the one spooking me most. The other issues are transcendent, and will be gone very soon.

It seems like I have been taking for granted what I have been blessed with -my most prized possession yet I don't know what the doctor's diagnosis will be tomorrow. In fact, it hurts like mad while I type this... but write this, I must. Fatalistic thoughts? Maybe. Maybe it's the thought of write-now-in-case-I-never-have-the-mood/chance-to-type-anymore after tomorrow's specialist's visit. But anyway, I digress.

I shall not be focusing on the misery this health scare is giving me, but instead let me be thankful for the love I have received, quietly from loved ones around me.

This afternoon after an appointment with a client, I really could not work anymore, and Dan called me to check if I was alright and to tell me about the coincidence that he had a site appointment at the private apartment that my office building shares. So my GM kindly granted me off to rest and I quickly shoved my belongings into my superwonder bag (which can contain almost everything you can imagine) and rushed down to find Dan.

I was visibly tired and strained from the long day I had, and still quite pre-occupied with the pain I was experiencing. Dan told me he was at the 7-11 nearby and would join me shortly.

If you know me well, you probably know I am extremely impatient, short-tempered and emotionally demanding, and all these exponentially increase when I am ill or stressed.

So I told myself while waiting beside his vehicle that I must hang tight and not faint and not be easily irritable.

I saw Dan and Nick (his best friend) crossing the road, and I noticed nothing but perspiration on Dan's forehead while they ran towards me.

Dan passed me what he bought for me - my favourite cup noodles that would definitely cheer me up and that he knew that I would be resting on the couch on his office and that would (1) fill my tummy despite my lack of appetite and (2) cheer me a little.

I didn't have to try - my face lit up immediately.

The best things in life are the simplest - I don't need a branded bag or a luxurious ride, and Dan knows that.

It's been 5 years since we are together - and as we all know, falling in love is so much easier than staying in love despite all odds.

It has not been easy for him especially this 1 year + with his new business, where he doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, doing the ground work with his boys, doing all he can to save that extra for his company - and these are what makes me so proud of him.

I am happy to just snuggle up at the couch in his office when he works overtime, and I can just play my games or read online news, while he places his towel on my legs when it gets too cold, and he will remember to check on me and keep apologising for making me wait for him.

The truth is, I don't mind waiting, and I don't care that he may be sweating at the end of the day. All I want is to tell him that I love him and I am so proud of him for being so brave and so determined, even when the going gets tough.

The truth is, I am happy enough to be able to soak in the silence while his fingers go frantically typing away, or to fall asleep in the couch while he works overtime, because I know I am safe.

The truth is, I am blessed to have had the privilege to be on this journey with him, because he is my best friend whom I share my deepest (and nastiest) thoughts at the end of everyday, and we always enjoy a hearty laugh when he pokes fun at me when I am very pissed off with him. I appreciate the late night talks we have about life, and how we both learn so much everyday - I learn to be less grumpy and less of a control freak while he learns to be more meticulous and sensitive, and while we both are clumsy in our own ways, I know we try, together. And that's what matters.

3 nights ago, he started running a high fever with the onslaught of flu, and that was when you can see his jovial side disappear and him becoming quieter (and of course, feverish).

I stayed by his side (amidst joking that I was burning my weekends away), and while he was drifting in and out of sleep after his medications, I was looking at him intently and I was thankful.

Thankful that I had him to worry about, thankful that I had him to look forward to sharing our favourite moments jovially when he got well, thankful that I had him to hold even when he was warm with fever.

Tomorrow is the doctor's diagnosis for me, and I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst. It's not life and death, yet (?) but the hypochondriac me is practically having panic attacks all over, in my head.

I know that tonight is another night I will not get good sleep, but I know that at least I have him to be by my side, no matter what.

Just like what happened when I first told him the probable diagnosis - he said nothing first and hugged me tight knowing that for that first second, that was the most important thing I needed.


Loved,
Belle

In the blink of an eye...

 

(photo credits: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue_candles_on_birthday_cake.jpg)

... I'm turning 28, in 1 hours' time.

How time flies - especially how after graduation, the world outside was menacing and unkind, throwing challenges at me when I was still trying my best to grasp hold of reality and adapt to a whole new world, outside of my very sheltered undergraduate life.

On hindsight (where vision is always 20/20), being an undergraduate was the best blessing where the only worries were about being able to score for the modules with midnight-oil burned essays and too many late nights with prata at Foong Seng and MacDonald's breakfasts.

It's been a long 5 years since 2008 - and things have turned out to be far better than I ever thought it would be.

I may not have had held onto a job for 5 years straight after graduation, but my little feats of exploring different industries (airline, government, banking and shipping) actually help me narrow my interests and passion into a handful. I have a problem; I am always too hyperactive and I cannot keep still. I always want to do a lot of things, but I only have 1 lifetime. Like what my good friend said before, "Belle, you need more than 7 lifetimes to do all you want to do". 

But having taken up different roles has really opened up my eyes. Of course, I'm not as rich or holding a senior position as I'd hope to be/do when I first graduated, but I have come to realise that life is more of a journey of self-realisation and self-actualisation than a series of signpost that I had always forced myself to achieve.

It has been a tiring 5 years journey where it kicked off with so many ups and downs, turmoils and tears... but now I am happy to say that I'm very contented with what Life has given to me.

 

 However, I do acknowledge that my path has been much smoother than many have experienced, and listening to their stories make me feel more human and more appreciative of the blessings I have, and how I'd do my best to be there for these friends.  

I've been very blessed with a small group of friends who love me, and have protected me, listened to me and encouraged me in such difficult times - and it is also not the quantity (ie. how many millions of friends one has, but really the ones that really count).

I've also been blessed with a partner who has been extremely sweet despite his new start up and prepared a surprise birthday party at a villa with a private pool, with a proposal in front of my closest friends.

I cannot ask for more :)

 

Before I turn 28 proper, this is a small note myself to count all my blessings that I have received, with the little resources I have, all only possible with my family, friends and partner. We are looking at receiving our flat around middle next year, I am looking forward to starting the wedding preparations with Dan, my online shop is kicking off together with a few other brainchilds where I can see light coming through...I have my family who always loves me for who I am no matter where I go wrong...

Happy birthday to me!

 

 

Queasy, uneasy, nothing short of misery

Photo Credit: www.kawaii-land.com

 

 

It's one of those days that the sense of restlessness comes visiting - nothing I do seems to quieten down the rising emotions of uneasiness. I could be trying to concentrate on my mobile phone games, playing Diablo 3, updating our shop website, but I feel my attention drifting away.

On weekdays, I feel that I have a lot of exciting ideas to carry out - I literally have to coax myself to wait for work to end before I carry out my own projects in the evening. Strangely, once work ends, I feel all energy sapped from me, and there's nothing left in this empty shell. Then I continue to yearn for the weekends, for that 2 full days of freedom where I can continue my photography project or start my websites.

But come weekends, I am just brain-dead - I lie on my bed playing Diablo 3 and while I am conscious of my precious time ticking away, I carry on killing some Monster Power Level 10 creatures in Inferno mode, like as this can save my life. But while playing the game, I am aware that my mind is not around, I'm just doing what I call "memory-gaming" - the familiar maps are just terrains that I repeat again and again...

That sounds like Life, isn't it? Just the endless mindless quest for money.

The irony is, I always complain that I have no time to do what I truly wish to, but when I clear my leaves, I end up lying on the bed just dwelling in the "nothing box" (that my bf proudly claims that all men are entitled to theirs) or just read a book and forget about the time.

Does this sound like burn out? I worry so. I can only hope that I find my spirits back... soon.

Sigh
Belle

Say goodbye

Photo credits: reverendmom.blogspot.com

Three days before I left for HK, I received a call from a secondary school friend.

In a shaky voice, she quickly said hello and wavered for a little. My heart sank - it was the age that you never wanted to pick up sudden calls in fear of the worst.

She apologised softly for calling, and started to ask me if I remembered X. Before I even said "yes, of course", the words "what happened?" leapt out of my mouth, almost too quickly before I could control myself.

He left us, that was what happened.

The next evening, I found ourselves sitting on the cold red chairs at his wake, in the awkward silence where words had become superfluous. Some of us were blinking away hot tears - he was still so young. Charming, brilliant, young.

Sometimes, in our endless chase for our pursuits, we seem to have forgotten to breathe. As the world whirls by so quickly, we have held our breaths, frantically following what seems to be the only correct way to carve our careers; perhaps to pay our bills, to pursue our dreams or to achieve greater material goods.

It is only when a death, a sudden one, stops you in your tracks and you drop all that you are carrying at once, and see yourself in the middle of the entire societal frenzy where blurred images pass you by, some of them whom once seemed so familiar but have become merely flitting images of what you once thought you knew.

I wish such tragedies never have to happen, for us to remember how fragile we all are. Today has been given to us, but tomorrow can never be promised to us.

Sometimes, when our lives seem to be engulfed by work or matters of the heart, it may appear as though there is this gargantuan rock blocking your path, and there is no way out.

But at the end of the day, a job is still a job - I wouldn't have had such sentiments in my idealistic and passionate undergraduate days - because when we leave this world, we are often not remembered by how late we worked after office hours, the fantastic business proposal we spent insane hours on, the accolades we pile on our LinkedIn / Facebook accounts or the 5 digit salary we earned, but we are missed by our loved ones for the memories we left during our short stay on this earth. Of course, many may not be chasing a career, just to earn praises and acknowledgement from the Bosses; but when you eventually lie in your final resting place, all that is left of you - is you. Not the tangible rewards/awards/pursuits, not even the post graduate degree you chased for. What is left is the last laughter you shared with a friend you've not met in the last decade, the last time you sat down for proper dinner without any social media device interrupting your meal with your family, the last time you told your partner a "thank you" or an "i love you" when you had the time.

I think we are sorely lacking a work-life balance in today's world - I can't remember the last time I actually spent some time with my loved ones, just focusing on them alone, without grabbing my iPhone for a snap to immortalise this moment on Instagram, without sharing the photos of dinner on FaceBook or simply replying a "quick urgent email".

We all need to learn to live, to breathe, to love,  all over again.

To my friend, I hope you find peace now, and that you remain always so henceforth.

Silenced,
Belle

Ca fait longtemps...

Since I last penned my thoughts here... it's been almost 9 months and this blog is getting dusty.

I was even a little taken aback when I saw that the dashboard looked different and that the domain name had changed to "blogspot.sg". Now, this must really mean I haven't been writing.

So what's been happening for the past 3/4 of a year? It's been really an era of change, for me at least, in terms of career (yes, don't roll your eyes - again), relationships and hobbies.

I couldn't think of an even more apt photo other than the pocket watch to kickstart this long-past-expiry-date entry - of course, I really like rustic old pocket watches too but this discussion can wait another day.

Back to the topic of my career, I realised that every time I hold a post that requires a fair bit of writing, I tend to stop writing for my personal pleasure almost totally. Maybe, just maybe, work takes a huge part of the fun in writing away (can't say that I don't like my work though...because I do...) and that most of the time at work, I'm caught trying to come up with interesting variations of words like "consideration", "marketing platforms" and "excellent".

And, in case you're guessing, you're right - I'm working in the media industry as an advertising account manager, and boy is it an eye-opener for me.

I guess, I never knew that such posts were ever in existence, except in mediacorp; and to be able to hold this role without any prior experience - I'm definitely appreciative of my bosses' faith in my capabilities.

This job has brought me to places (figuratively and non-figuratively) within 5 months of my term and I've travelled to countries to meet clients - which I'm ashamed to say I never did visit despite them being so near... places like Hong Kong... This job does instill an even stronger spirit of independence and fiesty perserverance in me...

But like any job, it does have its own challenges and stresses, and I often find myself scowling at the computer... It's not that I don't like my job, I just tend to reflect all the pressure on my face - I have the natural ability to look pissed off, go figure that out.

I've also begun on a little project with one of my closest friends... this has taken me further that I'd ever expected. Perhaps, deep down, I do want to own a little stake in a project... but I certainly did not expect it.

Thank goodness for her, because this daydreamer over here is absolutely horrid at:

1) accounting

2) understanding reality

3) running a business

I had to add number 2 in because I often stray away from the main course of discussion and tend to overly imagine what this could be, ignoring (perhaps deliberately?) the costs, factors, consequences until my dear friend pulls me back to earth again.

Nonetheless, we're still in the toddler stage, and there's helluva work to do every week.

I do get demoralised here and there when results don't show and my dearest friends can vouch that I'm the world's worst person at being patient...  This, I swear, keeps me going:

How true? Now, at work, I'm building someone's dream and I hope eventually, I can step out to build mine. Perhaps not with the little project that we've started, but surely, after having gained experience in running something we can call our own, this dream is not too far away.

Here's to being focused, determined and always believing :)

Love,

Belle

Stupidity

I never felt more stupid in my entire life...

Suddenly all the accolades, recommendations, 2 up, matters no more...
If any, it makes me feel worse.

The wonders of the (or rather my) mind

I just had a realisation...

A small thought meandered its way and crept subconsciously into the crevasses of my (sometimes over-laden) mind filled with rubbish thoughts...

That I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Ouch.

These days

Somedays,

this is exactly how I feel.

Despondent, lost, and just not wanting to say a single word more.

Maybe because I hear my voice all the time now, so whatever leaves my lips after work is just superfluous because (1) I get tired of my voice (2) it doesn't change the facts and (3) it is not income-generating (ha! thinking like one in my profession - being profit driven).

But jokes aside on (3), I guess I have never felt such strong urge to hide in reclusion and live like a you-guessed-it hermit.

This is somewhat ironic, thinking of how I always try to yank my loved ones out from their nothing-box/hermit shell/behind their gargantuan walls... and now, I build my own walls.

The truth is, these long hours are draining me and while I stress again that I was aware of what I was getting myself into, I did expect a certain level of self-discipline and determination - and self-discipline I did show - to the extent that I even tried organising my schedule in a disciplined way (one must understand that organising and being neat are very foreign notions to me - and pardon the lack of vocabulary... discipline is not a very intriguing word for me to conceive its synonyms).

And the worst part is though I gather I do need a breather/break/off/leave, I feel guilty that I am even going to take one day off.

What happened to preparing myself to work even on weekends.. and now consecutive weekends are even wearing me thin and I am taking off (thanks to a very understanding boss who provided all of us one day off each)?

It's not as if I will be doing anything productive on this much-craved-for day... In fact, if any, I would be just couch/bed potatoing my hours way...

belle, u need to be better than this..


Wilting,
belle

The world and I

Sometimes I marvel at how misleading impressions can be.

Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.

The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.

However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.

Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.

Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.

Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.

I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.

Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).

I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.

It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.

Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.

It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.

That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?

Yes belle, why the change?

Pondering,
Belle