A wakening.

Woke up on a bright Sunday morning, with lots of reflections whirling in my head.
Seems like I have been asleep for far too long.

It's almost like I have separate compartments, flagged with Post-it notes,
and my brain inconspicuously attempting to shove them deeper and deeper into the "Archived" sections.
I believe some matters are tucked into the "Let's pretend these issues are not there, maybe she'll forget" section.

Hence, woke up with this nagging feeling that certain matters were not exactly put right, with my friends' constant reminders that I need not settle for the most basic requirements and that I ought to have "higher than rock-bottom expectations".

It's weird how these things don't usually surface when I'm fully conscious and going about my usual stuff.

It's disturbing to know how humans are good at repression, suppressing all the awful and hard to make decisions,
And the day they surface,
it appears like we've been in deep sleep, for the longest time.

At least that's how I feel.

In the labyrinths of life,
where there are unseen and sudden twists and turns,
it feels like I'm being swept about by these phases of life,
whereby decisions are only made then and there,
with fingers crossed that things would ultimately work out.


It dawns on me that it shouldn't be this way.

I guess at the end of the day, we all need to have a sense of control -
maybe we can't control where our life is going to be heading,
but surely, at least... we should be able to control how it is going to be.


In a confident, self-assured manner that everything, no matter how unforeseen and unexpected (and sometimes undesired), would turn out well
or with a "que sera sera, what will be, will be" attitude and only deciding when the key point of time arrives and hopefully hoping that such a day won't come.

Or maybe self-reflection is loaded with so much tangential thoughts and thus explaining my gibberish and complicated writings.
But I have finally come to a few conclusions.

1. I deserve much better, and not the very least whereby things merely touch my basic expectations.
2. Goals are merely d-r-e-a-m-s unless they are planned.
3. I don't need to answer to anyone for my life and how I plan it to be.
4. Being soft-hearted doesn't ensure that you don't get hurt in the end.
5. While we all can be as accomodating as possible and understanding, at the end of the day, we are all left to face the music ourselves.

Pretty heavy thoughts for the last day of the weekend.
Perhaps some breakfast can provide more insights.

But at least, thankfully,
I feel like I'm a lot lighter.
My brain, at least.

Pondering,
Izzy