my aunt passed away this morning.

she died of stomach cancer, shortly 10 mths after my brother-in-law died this year.
she didnt want to go to his wake, because it only reminded how painful his fight was and how scary it was to die.
she had to let go this morning, because it was all too painful.
even if her son was at denmark, furthering his studies.

she is a lovely woman, always armed with a smile, makes me feel very warm and welcome to the big extended family gatherings we have where i feel out of place amongst all the others.
always very loving with her husband, i always respected them as the epitome of the perfect couple where they'd grow old together..
we even went to australia together with her daughter after my A levels ended and with my mum as her kaki, they had a really good time..

when i was a little girl, i used to love to go to her place... with her daughter who was the closest to me in terms of age as compared to other cousins.. and i would remember my mum telling me to wipe away my tears when i teared after kindergarten class one day.. she didnt want my aunt to see me cry..and neither did i.. i wanted to be a good little girl in my aunt's eyes as she was a lovely lady to me.

but today,
she lay in the coffin,
her face puffed up with make up done
she didnt look herself at all
but i know for a fact
she was not suffering anymore.
i believe
she is up there in the heavens
no longer suffering, no longer in pain
together with my father and my brother-in-law.

one day, i know im be able to see them all.



at the wake,
those gossipy relatives were exclaiming how there had been three deaths (my brother in law, my aunt and my uncle) recently and being very insensitive as usual
ive always hated these relatives, they have no sense of tactfulness or any common sense.
they have never lost anyone to cancer, how would they know?
how can they pretend to be concernted when they are plain gossipish- by exaggerating the pain they could feel and saying how its better for them to go?
maybe im speaking from the point where they had been insensitive to my family's feelings before
but to comment about my brother-in-law's death on the day he died to be because he had placed the wedding photo directly above his bed, and thus it was 'no wonder he died so young this way'
or to engage in widespread gossip and say 'tsk tsk.. so many deaths..' at today's aunt's wake
all these were just plain mean that it made me sick.

my grandma came and she collapsed at the sight of her daughter in law lost to the battle of cancer.
she had lost her eldest son, her brother, her son in law, her grand son in law, and now her daughter in law.. in a matter of 2 years
and our extended family is actually very much closely knitted, amidst all the gossipy relatives i have
and so the loss is a huge pain to my grandma who single handedly brought up the whole family in the kampung

i stared at my female cousin who's 23 this year.
what do i tell her?
what do i really know about how she feels?
nothing..everything i said would only be superfluous
i was just a loss of what to say,
i just patted her and hoped that she knew i would be trying to understand how she feels.

life is very fragile.
i have attended 3 wakes in this month
and these constant reminders of how temporal life is
can only slap me to face the truth of permanent impermanence.

tombstones cannot appreciate or see the beauty of lilies nor can they feel your love.