in my dreams
ii stirred in my sleep this morning,
amidst lid-heavy eyes,
i knew i was terrified and scared
i was crying
my body started shaking,
and tears just flowed.
and flowed
and flowed.
it got out of control.
i was hugging my 2nd brother-in-law who was lying on his deathbed, who was hugged by my 2nd sister and 4th sister in the dream
when previously i was dreaming about some other stranger dying
and it spinned to my brother-in-law's death
how we had to say goodbye
it felt so real
i was pinned to the dream
i could not get out of it

suddenly
i blinked and flinched at the daylight shining on my eyes
i knew i was dreaming
i knew i felt like screaming
and as i opened my eyes
i was still crying
still shaking
still shaken by the pain the shock the horror the loss the realness of the past replaying in my mind
after regaining my consciousnes
tears just flowed
and i knew these tears had to come out
they had been buried in too deep
out of everyone's sight
she is but a shield.

i have never gotten over your death.