28 years of wholesome grouchiness. No artificial flavouring.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
my dad's bicycles. he's gone, but i kept them safe by my side.
downstairs.
i walked on the very same spot where your body was. do you remember? i used to see images of you in my head u lay there peaceful at home no longer in pain
and i always avoided stepping on the spot your peaceful body lay.
today, i almost stepped on it i lifted my foot in time and i remembered you just like i always do.
i love you. even though you are far far away.
and you know i always miss you. no matter how far you are.
*the entry dedicated to my father who has left my side since 24 sept 2002*
in the air.
breathe the air, see the green leafy emergence? the fir like shapes the shiny bells that hurt your eyes the ones you love to touch to feel the curves to see another little girl grinning toothily back?
christmas is here the spirit is here love is here, actually love is all around.
love, actually makes christmas all so beautiful the tingles on your skin, does it make u love christmas even more?
the times u sat by the mannequins, wondering if they were real and trapped in bodies and never able to move? their eyes so cold yet warm with calls of help to emerge from this freezing cold where u could stare at women prowling the aisles of the shoes or clothes department and never saw urself there?
yet, now u hold his hands stroll lazily down the aisles of the same departments with mannequins looking real really trapped, but now you know the truth
but christmas coming feels much fresher more beautiful u know u will never be lonely watching as the night falls feeling love but not loved and christmas becomes just another day.
this year, christmas smells fresh and u just want to waltze with him under the mistletoe and share a kiss. or even just hold him in the midst of orchard road feel his warmth amongst the hustle and bustle of people. many people, but just the two of you exist.
love, actually is beautiful. =)
words dont mean a thing.
In the midst of
Kisses
The breaths in between
You don't have to say
A thing.
I love you,
But you don't have to say ''I love you too''
That's because.
I want you to listen
Let the words sink
Ocean deep
Into the crust of your heart
Let it sink
You never have to say a word
Never had to answer
What I stated or asked
I know what it will be
Just the silent nod
And the sound of your breathing
Takes away my breath.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
the rolling of the thunder ii
the sky grumbles, a loud rumbling like that of a hungry stomach, light flare across the sky.
the coldness embraces her, she embraces the coldness, she feels warm and happy.
the warmth of the skin felt with the clasping of the hands together, makes the cold more bearable.
the sight of the all too familiar beautiful eyes, the touching of the skin the unconditional, occasionally moody, smiles
the way the eyes light up, the hugs the hands that bring her closer to him the familiar concern and care
the thunder? only makes her love, his love their love stronger.
the thunder, where they can hold on tight and go through the cold together.
she loves the thunder.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
rolling of the thunder hear the growling of the thunder deep menacing and fierce makes her tremble with coldness and loneliness
the shining of the bright sky with that loud growl and the shooting colour of the split of the sky
she feels cold, lonesome and naked without cover
maybe across the country someone is sleeping soundly sweetly with a soft blanket on his angelic body
curled up to the right, sleeping peacefully, oblivious to the roars of the night sky.
suddenly, a flash of light FLASHES across the sky she jerks, and trembles
it may be cold but she wishes to cover someone more than she wants to be covered
thinking of his warmth his hands, his hugs giving off his unconditional love and care
the thunder cries louder, the roars fiercer the growls deeper
she looks at the sky and smiles. she will get to hug him soon.
even though it is thunderous in their relxnship now.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Grumpy
You feel worn out, physically and mentally.
Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I
f only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.
You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.
You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offense for the slightest reason.
You are feeling helpless. The fact that you are unable to control events that are going on around you is subjecting you to considerable stress. This can, if not relieved, cause muscle spasms or hypertension. It would seem that you are, for whatever the reason, being subjected to intolerable pressures. The complete environment would appear to be hostile. It would also seem that you are being driven against your will.
You feel - and perhaps quite rightly so - that unreasonable demands are made of you but more to the point you feel as if you are powerless to control the situation or protect yourself in any way. At this time you feel utterly helpless.
The tensions and stresses that you are experiencing at this time are, you feel, beyond your capabilities or your reserves of strength to cope with.
You feel inadequate and in a constant state of anxiety. You are attempting to escape from this situation into a secure environment in which you may be permitted to relax and recover, free from outside interference.
weekend met up with the ogl ppl to pj openhse it was sad ppl were there, but u couldnt smell the fresh air the vibrant pulsating of the Pioneer heartbeats taste the Pioneer spirit
even the mass dance wasnt the same anymore
but i guess things change when u are not in it dont they?
guess they do
was contemplating k box last nite which did materialise it was a whopping huge amt of $27 but i do think it was money well spent (read: BUT too expensive!!) for the company the huge roars of laughters brought abt steve and his antics the screaming of those love songs and the crapping
maybe it didnt get to the personal level which i sure wasnt comfy with some ppl but i did have a good time
we ended up tonning with some 7-11 food at the empty seats near old S-11 food court was awake until everyone dispersed for cabs, first buses in fact felt like i was a walking zombie
managed to reach home catch as many winks as i could and perhaps nourish as many yawns i lost woke up at like 1215 pm to meet jihae and belle
it was kinda awkward initially but the neoprints just broke the ice it was a good day well spent, tho not on term papers but i am going to miss jihae she is a sweet, good natured and down to earth girl
humble and simple, thats what is so likeable
the irony of ppl, the older we get the more scheming/cunning we get when we are supposed to be more wise and well informed whatever irony is that.. just felt it was growing up that turns us into monsters
i am learning to not depend on him and just handle my own problems he has enough problems and i do not need to tell him everything anymore i think it will suit him better too
i think i am sulking behind my computer screen and it makes me just want to just sleep away the pain or watever is left
i never believed in sleeping away problems but i guess u taught me how to and see where we are going..
frustrated i try not to get affected by the things he says or the things that happen i try to tell myself everything will be ok and i dont have to worry that even if i were to send him a sweet sms it would just be pacification to him
it just makes me feel like i cant even make a relxnship work i can listen, care and even try to cheer u up but u are just too caught up in it that whatever i do it just seems unconnected and unneeded
if i were to just let u be to u, wouldnt it just be me not interested if i were to be upset u are so nonchalent and generous with your ''ok...'' because u cannot be 'bothered' it would just seem like i am easily upset again
i dare say i am living my life properly without hanging in the air for you but why is it that that there's this bitter aftertaste even when i feel exasperated with all these?
even tho we just feel so pissed and even annoyed and ''pointless'' maybe the tot of just ending it all does flicker in ur mind, maybe even mine
but why is there a bitter aftertaste in my mouth? a deep pulsating gashing pain thumping hurting throbbing? like a sorethroat. painful and hard bitter and just
the silence is deafening. this is one of the times i have so much thoughts to pour
we all need quiet moments
even if its extremely late,
and i am so tired
i just want to stay online.
so much to say.
what isnt urs is always the most beautiful and precious
white chicks was hilarious
though i watched it already
watching it again did make this week seem less worse
enough of procrastinating,
i am supposed to do work
and finish my drafts for my two term papers :(
sat with openhouse, sunday with ji hae
thats it..
*throws trouble to the back of my mind*
think i am really lost..
but i wanna find my way
and it seems simple. but difficult.
turmoil, beautiful beautiful strangers, the shadows lurking in the murky shadows of the moonlight wavering trembling laughter spills out overflowing captured by the stillness of the night rousing of some sleepers silence --- and then for a while, u see no more shadows some stubs on the floor some lost smiles and chuckles some lost falters of laughters some spills no more.