daddy, i remember those smiles that make the creases of your eyes stand out
those smiles which makes your eyes twinkle
they all say i have eyes which sparkle when i smile
i know i must have gotten them from you
who else, but you, would have given me eyes that could talk?
eyes like yours, which spoke of the fondness and love u look at me with,
that no language could ever speak
that made me forget always that you couldnt speak
that are etched in the debris of my mind forever.

kor, remember you used to carry me all around in the house?
i stood proudly on your feet, where u'd wriggle them all over
and during meals
where we would still eat as a family
and u would just grab my toes with your toes
underneath the table
and start squeezing them
and look out for the half-grimace, half peals of laughter i had to suppress?
they always thought i was ur little girl
but i guess we do have similarities
afterall u've been here since i was four.
and do u remember the times u'd hold me so high and even piggyback me
i have grown old, yes,
but not forgetful.
i used to scold little boys and squirm at the thought of marrying one
and you'd just laugh at me in amusement
perhaps u knew in ur wisdom that i'd have many romances?
i guess u did,
and u saw one at least.
ur constant teasing and bantering would just make me blush to no end
like a father u are to me,
having seen me all grown up.
u told me that i'll never let u carry the way u did after i grow old right?
im here to prove you wrong!
only that

only that
when i stretch out my arms
i grab thin air
u are not there.


kor kor and daddy,
im turning 21 soon.
ive lived almost 21 years old in that a little cramped 3 room flat in ours,
not boasting-big but nice and comfy
ive danced my childhood years in the living room hoping noone sees
ive been piggybacked and carried and known that ive been loved by the 2 most important man in my life
ive been brought to those night markets by you two(or u can call them pasar malams if u wish) to buy hot piping food in the cold nights
ive been brought the food i love most (chicken wings and clams) and savoured them as a little girl who was easily satisfied by delicacies
ive hugged bears and toys that kor bought for me even when u had children of ur own (i always knew i was ur little girl, even when u had ur 2 little boys)
ive shivered when i accidentally poured coke down ur passenger seat of ur car, kor... u know how much courage it took a 6 year old girl to admit?
ive thanked the stars above when u didnt scold me of course; u were all too nice, always
ive cried silently when i was sad in school and i hid myself in the living room, against the darkness and the flickering light of the silent tv.. and daddy u were there.. u always looked at me with knowing eyes and never asked... even when u did, i know u felt my pain...
and daddy, u were always the one who saw my silent tears.. and the one who understood..
ive laughed the happiest laughters in the whole span of my life kor, when u lift me up and carried me
ive been doted on by the nicest men on earth...
ive been loved...
and ive lost the two of you.

for my 21st birthday,
i want to thank the both of you
cos you all made me who i am
the littlest girl with
the loud peals of laughter that has seen me through my younger days
the dark skin that takes after u, daddy
the love for others that ive seen in u, kor

for my 21st birthday,
i want to thank the both of you
cos without you
your littlest 5th daughter, daddy, and ur smallest sister-in-law whom u've doted on like ur very own sister, kor
your smallest worries
the tiny darkskinned short hair girl with the toothy smile would never have a reflection and had such a happy childhood
thank you kor and daddy.
its been one year three months and three years plus since u've left her side.
there are always empty spaces, in the family
but my heart is always filled with the memories, laughter, happiness, sadness and love of both of you.

i love you two.
very much.