i am tired.

i found out recently that ive lost passion in a lot of things i love.

work, research, dance, friends, family
everything and anything possible.

short tempered, tired, closed up, quiet
thats becoming me now.

i guess i need a lot of me-time cos im spread thinly like ice and school is just starting soon after work ends with lingering remnants of work to be done still.

dance performance on 14th, competition, work, school, tuition, family, friends, events
sometimes i remind myself i am not superwoman even tho i wish i was.
biting off more than i can chew...
i am being grumpier, and disappointed with myself too
cos i know my passion in doing the best in watever i do is diminishing
seems like its slip shod work and i have no heart to do anything.
maybe its a self fulfilling prophecy and brainwashing done by a certain him,
but it feels like crap at the end of it.
oh yes, and many many 21st birthdays to attend in this month alone. at least 4.
no time, no money.

driving TP coming soon
and i havent even done my circuit
this is how pressed for time i am.

forgot how sleep is like,
havent slept properly and soundly.

want some quiet time to look at the world go by,
not me catching up with fast and furious spinning of the globe.
man, i cannot catch up
and i can hardly breathe.

some better news though:

i got accepted for my business minor - means now i am possibly slightly a little teeny weeny bit more marketable with a business minor. but i am getting so jaded by the corporate world already, i really wonder if thats gonna be my path or i should just go with some airlines and be an air stewardess.
hmm.

i got accepted by NUS for the student exchange programme to go to UK, Uni of Newcastle Upon Tyne. Now i gotta get my results slips, testimonials and all ready and pray hard that UK accepts me. then it'll be off to UK I'll be. I definitely need to get out of this place, after all that has happened, especially since JC1.. life has been ups and downs... never calm.. feel like ive been on huge choppy waves which seemingly is calm but topples me over and jus throws me under. im surprised my mum is actually not protesting against the exchange after today's family reunion dinner. my sisters kindly explained casually that this is an opportunity of a life time, and its prestigious as well. i can see a longing in her eyes, and i know if i could just forego my dreams of going to uk to study no matter how short the stint, i will stay for her. but my sisters lived thru regrets due to poverty and control in the past, and i believe they want me to live my dreams.

work has ended at least for now. its like a shoulder off my burden as its really mentally consuming. but i really learned so much and at the end of the day, maybe thats what matters the most. it was interesting one month with teresa where she knows ill just brighten up with nice food after a horrid day and i guess it just is a funny transition from work to school. from eating at food courts to school canteens.

new year has passed and resolutions are always prevalent in peoples' minds. i guess for me, i would really have to be true to myself, and live out my dreams. going for wat i want and never making myself unhappy even when it means making others unhappy. about being honest and true to myself, and never get bullied or pushed over. and not to trust people easily, in the sense that never get stepped over by close friends or acquaintances.

for me, the past 2005 year is the year where i learned the most.. i dealed with having my bro-in-law leaving me, spending sleepless edgy nights in tan tock seng hospital again.. having to say goodbye to my bf and being brave... working hard and saving up for a trip to aussie... studying german and immersing in a different culture... working in an events company as events manager.. flying to aussie and experiencing a love that would withstand the challenges of distance and time... and cherishing and treasuring every moment together.. holding him close to my heart and dancing to the tunes of Toto's africa, learning to play pool though i still suck at it... living away from my family for 3 weeks in aussie... probably one of the best times in my life cos i had not seen him for so long and to be able to see him then was just incredibly happy and important... being in a short lived long distance relationship... being fun-loving and open to learn jazz dance and guitar... meeting a whole new world of friends who love dancing and making music with guitars... learning about the passion that drives people.. late night suppers and getting to learn so much more to different sides of people.. being betrayed of my trust by someone i was really being a buddy to and that is something i want to forget... losing a close to three year relationship shortly after coming back to singapore... losing a part of me that grew up together with him... the longest relationship i had that just crumbled away... having to be really brave about the loss, 6 modules that totally drained me out... getting close to friends that drifted apart.. performances that sought to drive away my stage fright but evident of living my dreams to perform... driving and driving my instructor up the wall with my slow reactions.. directing in a theatre studies play where everything was done from scratch... everything... i learned so much.

but i guess all these, good and bad, can never really be erased away.. sometimes, fate just leaves the best for the last.. so we just press on in darkest times and tell ourselves that better times lie ahead...

and now we face challenges of 2006... bidding for now..cos i cant even get my 5th module... coping with work, competition, tuition and school... internships hopefully or different kinds of work after exams in may.. 21st birthday... uk trip... surviving... earning cash for the exchange... learning and growing...

and yup, one of the resolutions is to never force myself to do things i dont want to and still put on a smiling facade.. cos im tired.. and i never make myself happy anymore...

whatever doesnt kill makes us stronger.. i may sound weary and jaded.. but one day, it'll all work out nicely..