Alles gut!

When anyone asks me to go for a full body check up, this is my reaction:

Image credit: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Health-Place/350144495057144

Although I do wish I look this hideously cute when I wince at the thought of a full body check up.

After my 28th birthday, I decided to grab hold of the opportunity to go for the much feared body check up offered to my company (Norwegian companies have good welfare!) by ignoring the many obstacles I knew I would face.

1. I am afraid of needles (big or small, thin or thick)
2. I hate seeing blood
3. I hate small talk during the time of anguish when my blood is being drawn into the many test tubes (just get it over and done with!)
4. I hate people laughing at me when I overreact during the drawing of the blood

But the biggest obstacle is the fact that I do not want to know the results of the test.

Call this a death wish/counter intuitive/ironic, if you want... but having lost my father and my bro in law to cancer... the innate fear of checking my health and finding out the underlying problems scares me than all the ABOVE four reasons. Proof that this is a normal behaviour? Prof Stella Quah's medical sociology tutorial - apparently, family members who have had loved ones with medical issues (i.e. cancer) are less willing to go for health tests themselves, due to the fear as well as the pain of having seen their loved ones go through the treatments.... I'm not justifying my behaviour.

But anyway, the results are out today (but I hardly slept last night with the hypochondriac me imagining all the possible statements that the doctor would say..."I'm sorry but...", "I hate to be the one to break the news but..." or "Did you bring a family member with you...")!

It's all good! Okay, save for the fact that my cholesterol is sliggggggggggggggghtly higher than what it should be... BUT, I'm doing something about it! And I tried to impress the doctor by telling him I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle and all... my bad habit of not wanting to ever seem to be at fault/wrong/not perfect.

I'm really thankful that the results are actually better than I thought - except for my slight high cholesterol and the darn Thalassemia bugging me... The former, I can change, the doctor says... but Thalassemia-wise, he shrugged and told me to live with it and eat more livers... *shudders*

Now my corneas have fully recovered and my health screening a-okay, I feel less burdened and heavy (no pun intended) now, without having to sweep the worries of my health status under the carpet... I've been getting sick too often, the back hurting too much, whining like an old lady, but doing nothing about it...

Should have done my health check up earlier (my headstrong perfectionistic self speaking again...)!

But as always, hindsight is always 20/20. :)

Blessed,
Belly

Start by loving ourselves (more)...

Photo credit: www.leanitup.com

Apart from the frequent bouts of flu, chronic grouchiness and feeling darn lazy and lethargic, I have been avoiding looking into the mirror because I don't quite like what I see. Hurhurhur.

And on top of that, we've just had a complimentary health screening at work, and the truth stared back hard into my face - it's time that I start to do something about my health. The numbers aren't looking good (and this includes my BMI), and I was rather affected by what the implications were. Now that I'm still in my twenties, there must be some things I can do to become healthier (and lose weight, as you can see from my list on the right).

I didn't quite know where to start, and the possibilities were endless - slimming pills, Atkins diet and the myriad of the other diet plans you see on the market... or just eat 1 fruit a day.

I had a talk with a friend, who had her epiphany 6 months ago that she had to do something about her health, since her lifestyle could become healthier... and she shared with me what she did to achieve her current healthy and fit body - no slimming pills but with lots of determination and discipline.

The below is Daniel and my version of our "keep fit" plan, revised and adjusted according to our lifestyles:

First, we started by loving ourselves more... That means watching what we put in our mouths, and not allowing our dietary habits harm our bodies.

Instead of the easily accessible fast and junk food, we made a pact to totally avoid (since it's either yes or no completely, right?) the following for the next 6 months:

Isabelly's 5 no-nos
1. Alcohol (i have taken enough of them for the past 5 years, thank you very much *points to beer belly*)
2. Bad Carbos (white rice, white bread and the likes)
3. Soft Drinks (yes, this is damn tough for someone who drinks AT LEAST 1 coke a day....)
4. Fast food (goodbye Macs, KFC, Popeyes, Mos...)
5. Fried food (sigh... let's not even start....)

Of course, it's easier said than done... we started this on 1 July, and the first week went fine (simply because I have this ability to have fiery passion for a task for the first few moments), but the first friday, it was scary. It was as if I had withdrawal symptoms for Coke... -.- *shudders*

That said, other than avoiding unhealthy food, we focused more on eating healthy (or healthier...) food. That's the beginning of loving ourselves :)

Focusing on healthy/healthier food intake

Everyday, being caffeine-holics, we need at least 3 cups of coffee to function (yes, another addiction that's hard to kick...) so we changed our drinks to kopi-O-kosong... iced, for me. Trust me, it felt like drinking diluted sewage water, that was so difficult to bear.... but after 3 weeks, it has become normal to me already.

We make sure we get our daily servings of fruits by picking grapefruits, watermelons, lychees (sometimes), mangos, strawberries, blackberries, for our fruit juices. Our juices are prepared not with those juicers that remove all skins - in fact, we picked this Shake 'n take Smoothie Blender from Groupon (yes, I'm addicted to that as well -.-) which blends exactly what you put inside... so in way, you don't have to worry about losing the nutrients/vitamins when you make fruit juices with machines that remove the skin of the fruits...

Calories intake

Just like our life, everything requires a fine balance between input and output. Similarly, for a good dietary plan, we have to make sure that your calories intake cannot be more than the daily recommended amount, in order to maintain your current weight. From what I read, ladies are recommended to have a minimum of 1,200 calories to avoid what experts call "starvation mode" which would decrease your metabolism.

So of course, if you are looking at losing some weight (the recommended amount of weight to lose every week is 1 kg - the more weight you lose at the beginning esp through crash diets, the faster and more you gain it back, and it's therefore a poor strategy), make sure that:

Your nett calories = not negative

Your NETT Calories = Calories Input - Calories Output

If you notice, we focused more on our dietary plan than the exercise regime (which will come later) because from what we read, 70% of reaching your ideal healthy weight is from your diet and 30% is dependent on your exercise/fitness regime.

Of course, eating healthy is so darn tough, especially when Singapore is a food paradise and our busy schedule is always a good excuse for grabbing unhealthy food (often convenient):

My personal favourite excuses:

"I'm running late - I'll just grab a burger and fries from Macs!"
"I'm too busy to buy veggies/fruits from the supermart - anyway my wanton mee got veggies already, what..."
"One coke a day won't kill... I'm not drinking 10 cans anyway..."

The truth is, it's too easy to eat unhealthily. Even if I were not to be concerned about my gradual weight gain these few years (i.e. I am not looking at losing weight), I have begun to worry how I allow myself to eat so much non-nutritious and even harmful food...

And all our lifestyles are highly stressful, filled with horrid addictions, and the last thing I want to put my body under is bad junk/fried food...

And of course, one underlying reason I have begun to have the slightest concern for my health is because of KJ. He left us when he was so young, leaving behind his loved ones... and I don't wish to leave my kids behind or have Daniel leave me behind... one less sin (unhealthy food) cut down, is better than none, i say.


Exercises

This is the toughest part, not only because I HATE to get my butt out doing some strenuous running/jogging/brisk walking, but also because I am always overly ambitious and I try to start something unachievable, and end up burning out/being depressed that I couldn't reach my goals.

So Dan and I decided to start slow - for someone like me who hasn't ran in years... since I was 18? (that's 10 years ago...-.- ) we decided to pace ourselves and get our bodies ready...

The first run was so bad, as expected... I ended up running like perhaps 1km and stopping for 2km... At the end of the 1st run around Dan's place (that's about 1km), I wanted to kick myself for this foul suggestion of running...

 

Trust Dan to still look so happy... I looked so incredibly happily ugly that I had to crop myself out...

But the hardest part about starting an exercise regime...is actually not the beginning... it's the continuing...

It's too easy to say "Not today! My legs are still sore!", "Let's run another day!" or "I'm too tired", so we didn't give ourselves (too many) excuses to be lazy... we ran 2x the 1st week of July, but we stopped entirely for the 2nd week as we flew to Taipei that weekend (tickets had been bought to celebrate Mr Dan's birthday... and yes, excuses like "we are busy with work in anticipation of the weekend trip" really did happen).

But the best thing is, we noted that we had stopped in 2nd week... so we told ourselves that we had to do something about it... so we made a note to work harder in the 3rd week (this week).

Guess what? We ran 4x this week (Mon, Tues, Wed and Sat) and of course, other than being utterly tired, I'm so proud that we've been improving (no matter how slightly) our stamina, our pace and our discipline!

Of course we are not going to complete 3km in 15mins any time soon - not excuses, but to be really realistic - but we are doing something positive to improve our health and we are keeping this going, without just ignoring the health facts that we are becoming increasingly unhealthy. That, I do think, deserves 2 big thumbs up!

That's why these few days, as I tell Dan, I'm not quite self-conscious in sucking in my tummy - I know I'm unhealthy, but I'm doing something about it! ;)

x        x       x      x      x

It's been a good 3 weeks - and with a healthier diet plan and lots of water (very impt!), I actually feel much happier and less lethargic (but of course, my legs don't feel like they're mine anymore...)  - I hope that in another month's time, we are still carrying on strong! :)

Off to zzz,
Belly

Good morning, Sunday!

Like every morning for the past few days, I slowly pried my eyes open before struggling to let some light into my world. Because of the medications Dan placed in my eyes the night before, I have to be very careful when I wake up.

This cute image greeted my eyes once my eyelids fluttered open - Dan had placed Buibui on my newly bought ladybug cushion - and it was such a cute sight to see that fatty happily relaxing.

Despite this week's bad news about my cornea's inability to function (for now), this has been one of the best weeks so far.

I have been sleeping well with no nightmares for the longest time, especially with these few nights where I was tucked to sleep by Dan who would meticulously take care of me and place my eye medications.

I think, for the past years when I have always been unable to sleep well and I dream (mostly nightmares) more than I really sleep, it might have been because I was always feeling uneasy and insecure.

Too many departures in such a short span of time - it has always been difficult for me to say goodbye amidst tears.

Not that I have gotten used to people leaving me, but I think there's really no point fretting about losing my loved ones around me - this is no longer within my control and allowing this to keep me wide awake staring at the ceiling in the depths of the night is not going to change anything.

If anything, I think this fear has made me ultra-paranoid, and very closed-up  and not willing to open myself up to anyone because it hurts terribly when people leave you, after you have opened yourself up. I think this fear has given myself an excuse not to enjoy what I have on hand, but the burden of constant worries.

Maybe this is what Life is about - about learning to cope with joyous meetings and tearful departures, and adapting to the consistent changes. I wasn't strong enough to take on this challenge, but I know I am getting better - at least, I no longer wake up crying from nightmares about people dying around me, for a long time.

I feel a sense of contentment, which I have not felt the longest time, and I am looking forward to being able to feel this way for a bit longer.

I have gotten my engagement ring resized - and finally it's back with me. Initially, I didn't want to resize it because I attach too much emotions to everything around me (yes, I am a compulsive hoarder...) and I was reluctant to part ways with the ring that Dan proposed with - I was unsure whether the shop would return with another bigger ring, which wouldn't be the same ring again, and so I was ready to live with a slightly small ring.

Then I realised that wouldn't be the case as they would send the ring to be re-sized, and I could verify it with the diamond's serial number - only then I was alright with sending the ring to the jeweller.

Sometimes, I think I'm too hard on myself - I want things to be done the perfect, non-compromising way. and the only way I know how.

When things do not go my way, I get panicky and I cannot sleep. This is something I have avoided admitting to myself; and I think I really have to start working on this issue. Because when I insist on being perfectionistic and ignore all the other advice/methods, I shut myself off and become difficult to talk to, and I tend to make it very challenging for my other half.

Well, self-awareness and self-acknowledgment are the first baby steps right...?

I must stop driving myself crazy with my idiosyncrasies, and learn to really breathe and learn - that it is really okay, for things not to be perfectly okay all the time.

It's been a great weekend so far, just me and the melancholic music playing... I really do like living my life now, with so much less drama :)

Blessed,
Belle

Tranquility

There is a sense of calm brewing inside me (can calmness be brewed, actually?), and it's like waiting for the time to slowly tick away.

One by one, the leaves break away from the twigs they belong to, and descend into free fall from the grasp which they once felt secured.

I never once got affected when this seasonal change happened -

maybe because I was, deliberately, too distant?

Once you let the doorway open slightly and allow the light to slowly permeate through, the beam of light indeed makes you wonder -

ironically, not whether the world out there is very much different;

but rather when will the season of change blow in your face?

Maybe it's hard to tell when your eyes have become misty.


Puzzled,
Belle

The sky is clear...

Photo credits: http://cullogo.com

...for now.

The specialist has cleared that:

I'm not going blind,
yet.

The good news is that - my corneas have been badly worn out and they need rest, pronto.
So the specialist has given me 5 types of medications for me to squeeze (urgh!) into my eyes and for me to take as much rest and avoid glares from the sun/the computer screen/the ipad/iphone/i-whatever.

The bad news is that - I thought it was my left eye acting up - but no, both my eyes are now crying for help as they have multiple holes and it's making my life very tough.

2 weeks more to a 2nd appointment - meanwhile, I am thankful that the hypochondriac me wasn't correct in self-diagnosing my symptoms as something more serious!

Here's hoping my eyes recover speedily after 10 years of abuse :(

Blurry-eyed,
Belle

Counting my blessings

      Image credits: http://apogeelearning.blogspot.sg

Shortly past my 28th birthday, a few unpleasant things have happened, especially my health, and I was really getting a little too upset about them.

I have been having sleepless nights and the health issue is the one spooking me most. The other issues are transcendent, and will be gone very soon.

It seems like I have been taking for granted what I have been blessed with -my most prized possession yet I don't know what the doctor's diagnosis will be tomorrow. In fact, it hurts like mad while I type this... but write this, I must. Fatalistic thoughts? Maybe. Maybe it's the thought of write-now-in-case-I-never-have-the-mood/chance-to-type-anymore after tomorrow's specialist's visit. But anyway, I digress.

I shall not be focusing on the misery this health scare is giving me, but instead let me be thankful for the love I have received, quietly from loved ones around me.

This afternoon after an appointment with a client, I really could not work anymore, and Dan called me to check if I was alright and to tell me about the coincidence that he had a site appointment at the private apartment that my office building shares. So my GM kindly granted me off to rest and I quickly shoved my belongings into my superwonder bag (which can contain almost everything you can imagine) and rushed down to find Dan.

I was visibly tired and strained from the long day I had, and still quite pre-occupied with the pain I was experiencing. Dan told me he was at the 7-11 nearby and would join me shortly.

If you know me well, you probably know I am extremely impatient, short-tempered and emotionally demanding, and all these exponentially increase when I am ill or stressed.

So I told myself while waiting beside his vehicle that I must hang tight and not faint and not be easily irritable.

I saw Dan and Nick (his best friend) crossing the road, and I noticed nothing but perspiration on Dan's forehead while they ran towards me.

Dan passed me what he bought for me - my favourite cup noodles that would definitely cheer me up and that he knew that I would be resting on the couch on his office and that would (1) fill my tummy despite my lack of appetite and (2) cheer me a little.

I didn't have to try - my face lit up immediately.

The best things in life are the simplest - I don't need a branded bag or a luxurious ride, and Dan knows that.

It's been 5 years since we are together - and as we all know, falling in love is so much easier than staying in love despite all odds.

It has not been easy for him especially this 1 year + with his new business, where he doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, doing the ground work with his boys, doing all he can to save that extra for his company - and these are what makes me so proud of him.

I am happy to just snuggle up at the couch in his office when he works overtime, and I can just play my games or read online news, while he places his towel on my legs when it gets too cold, and he will remember to check on me and keep apologising for making me wait for him.

The truth is, I don't mind waiting, and I don't care that he may be sweating at the end of the day. All I want is to tell him that I love him and I am so proud of him for being so brave and so determined, even when the going gets tough.

The truth is, I am happy enough to be able to soak in the silence while his fingers go frantically typing away, or to fall asleep in the couch while he works overtime, because I know I am safe.

The truth is, I am blessed to have had the privilege to be on this journey with him, because he is my best friend whom I share my deepest (and nastiest) thoughts at the end of everyday, and we always enjoy a hearty laugh when he pokes fun at me when I am very pissed off with him. I appreciate the late night talks we have about life, and how we both learn so much everyday - I learn to be less grumpy and less of a control freak while he learns to be more meticulous and sensitive, and while we both are clumsy in our own ways, I know we try, together. And that's what matters.

3 nights ago, he started running a high fever with the onslaught of flu, and that was when you can see his jovial side disappear and him becoming quieter (and of course, feverish).

I stayed by his side (amidst joking that I was burning my weekends away), and while he was drifting in and out of sleep after his medications, I was looking at him intently and I was thankful.

Thankful that I had him to worry about, thankful that I had him to look forward to sharing our favourite moments jovially when he got well, thankful that I had him to hold even when he was warm with fever.

Tomorrow is the doctor's diagnosis for me, and I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst. It's not life and death, yet (?) but the hypochondriac me is practically having panic attacks all over, in my head.

I know that tonight is another night I will not get good sleep, but I know that at least I have him to be by my side, no matter what.

Just like what happened when I first told him the probable diagnosis - he said nothing first and hugged me tight knowing that for that first second, that was the most important thing I needed.


Loved,
Belle

In the blink of an eye...

 

(photo credits: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue_candles_on_birthday_cake.jpg)

... I'm turning 28, in 1 hours' time.

How time flies - especially how after graduation, the world outside was menacing and unkind, throwing challenges at me when I was still trying my best to grasp hold of reality and adapt to a whole new world, outside of my very sheltered undergraduate life.

On hindsight (where vision is always 20/20), being an undergraduate was the best blessing where the only worries were about being able to score for the modules with midnight-oil burned essays and too many late nights with prata at Foong Seng and MacDonald's breakfasts.

It's been a long 5 years since 2008 - and things have turned out to be far better than I ever thought it would be.

I may not have had held onto a job for 5 years straight after graduation, but my little feats of exploring different industries (airline, government, banking and shipping) actually help me narrow my interests and passion into a handful. I have a problem; I am always too hyperactive and I cannot keep still. I always want to do a lot of things, but I only have 1 lifetime. Like what my good friend said before, "Belle, you need more than 7 lifetimes to do all you want to do". 

But having taken up different roles has really opened up my eyes. Of course, I'm not as rich or holding a senior position as I'd hope to be/do when I first graduated, but I have come to realise that life is more of a journey of self-realisation and self-actualisation than a series of signpost that I had always forced myself to achieve.

It has been a tiring 5 years journey where it kicked off with so many ups and downs, turmoils and tears... but now I am happy to say that I'm very contented with what Life has given to me.

 

 However, I do acknowledge that my path has been much smoother than many have experienced, and listening to their stories make me feel more human and more appreciative of the blessings I have, and how I'd do my best to be there for these friends.  

I've been very blessed with a small group of friends who love me, and have protected me, listened to me and encouraged me in such difficult times - and it is also not the quantity (ie. how many millions of friends one has, but really the ones that really count).

I've also been blessed with a partner who has been extremely sweet despite his new start up and prepared a surprise birthday party at a villa with a private pool, with a proposal in front of my closest friends.

I cannot ask for more :)

 

Before I turn 28 proper, this is a small note myself to count all my blessings that I have received, with the little resources I have, all only possible with my family, friends and partner. We are looking at receiving our flat around middle next year, I am looking forward to starting the wedding preparations with Dan, my online shop is kicking off together with a few other brainchilds where I can see light coming through...I have my family who always loves me for who I am no matter where I go wrong...

Happy birthday to me!

 

 

Queasy, uneasy, nothing short of misery

Photo Credit: www.kawaii-land.com

 

 

It's one of those days that the sense of restlessness comes visiting - nothing I do seems to quieten down the rising emotions of uneasiness. I could be trying to concentrate on my mobile phone games, playing Diablo 3, updating our shop website, but I feel my attention drifting away.

On weekdays, I feel that I have a lot of exciting ideas to carry out - I literally have to coax myself to wait for work to end before I carry out my own projects in the evening. Strangely, once work ends, I feel all energy sapped from me, and there's nothing left in this empty shell. Then I continue to yearn for the weekends, for that 2 full days of freedom where I can continue my photography project or start my websites.

But come weekends, I am just brain-dead - I lie on my bed playing Diablo 3 and while I am conscious of my precious time ticking away, I carry on killing some Monster Power Level 10 creatures in Inferno mode, like as this can save my life. But while playing the game, I am aware that my mind is not around, I'm just doing what I call "memory-gaming" - the familiar maps are just terrains that I repeat again and again...

That sounds like Life, isn't it? Just the endless mindless quest for money.

The irony is, I always complain that I have no time to do what I truly wish to, but when I clear my leaves, I end up lying on the bed just dwelling in the "nothing box" (that my bf proudly claims that all men are entitled to theirs) or just read a book and forget about the time.

Does this sound like burn out? I worry so. I can only hope that I find my spirits back... soon.

Sigh
Belle

Say goodbye

Photo credits: reverendmom.blogspot.com

Three days before I left for HK, I received a call from a secondary school friend.

In a shaky voice, she quickly said hello and wavered for a little. My heart sank - it was the age that you never wanted to pick up sudden calls in fear of the worst.

She apologised softly for calling, and started to ask me if I remembered X. Before I even said "yes, of course", the words "what happened?" leapt out of my mouth, almost too quickly before I could control myself.

He left us, that was what happened.

The next evening, I found ourselves sitting on the cold red chairs at his wake, in the awkward silence where words had become superfluous. Some of us were blinking away hot tears - he was still so young. Charming, brilliant, young.

Sometimes, in our endless chase for our pursuits, we seem to have forgotten to breathe. As the world whirls by so quickly, we have held our breaths, frantically following what seems to be the only correct way to carve our careers; perhaps to pay our bills, to pursue our dreams or to achieve greater material goods.

It is only when a death, a sudden one, stops you in your tracks and you drop all that you are carrying at once, and see yourself in the middle of the entire societal frenzy where blurred images pass you by, some of them whom once seemed so familiar but have become merely flitting images of what you once thought you knew.

I wish such tragedies never have to happen, for us to remember how fragile we all are. Today has been given to us, but tomorrow can never be promised to us.

Sometimes, when our lives seem to be engulfed by work or matters of the heart, it may appear as though there is this gargantuan rock blocking your path, and there is no way out.

But at the end of the day, a job is still a job - I wouldn't have had such sentiments in my idealistic and passionate undergraduate days - because when we leave this world, we are often not remembered by how late we worked after office hours, the fantastic business proposal we spent insane hours on, the accolades we pile on our LinkedIn / Facebook accounts or the 5 digit salary we earned, but we are missed by our loved ones for the memories we left during our short stay on this earth. Of course, many may not be chasing a career, just to earn praises and acknowledgement from the Bosses; but when you eventually lie in your final resting place, all that is left of you - is you. Not the tangible rewards/awards/pursuits, not even the post graduate degree you chased for. What is left is the last laughter you shared with a friend you've not met in the last decade, the last time you sat down for proper dinner without any social media device interrupting your meal with your family, the last time you told your partner a "thank you" or an "i love you" when you had the time.

I think we are sorely lacking a work-life balance in today's world - I can't remember the last time I actually spent some time with my loved ones, just focusing on them alone, without grabbing my iPhone for a snap to immortalise this moment on Instagram, without sharing the photos of dinner on FaceBook or simply replying a "quick urgent email".

We all need to learn to live, to breathe, to love,  all over again.

To my friend, I hope you find peace now, and that you remain always so henceforth.

Silenced,
Belle