One year hiatus

Time flies, and it's been more than a year since I last penned my random thoughts on this blog.

This must have been the longest since I ever stopped writing - seems to be rather reflective of my state of mind in the past year: all over the place and sorting out thoughts.

And what a year it has been.

Another chapter has closed for me, as I move on away from my comfort zone, in that cushy chair surrounded by piles of concept papers, evaluation reports, minutes (groans), presentation slides, files and my trusty old computer, to a smaller yet less cosy environment enclosed in a glass tank. I made this choice - and apprehensive as I may be, I will (have to) deal with it. Hopefully, strongly though.

And while lies perpetuate still amongst your circle of friends and colleagues about my psychotic bitchiness, friendships forged will only unravel the truths, layer by layers, shreds by shreds -

who ARE you?

Or rather, who are you trying to pretend? What are you trying to hide from?

Everyone has a past, or pasts, for that matter - you cower in that cob-webbed corner of yours, spun by the incessant layers of filthy half-truths (i dont deny i can be a bitch sometimes) or complete lies, hiding behind the thick books you pride yourself on having read before, covered loosely by the white curtain stained with tears.

I don't care about you anymore, neither should you - so please, grow up and stop blaming the whole world for your past regrets/mistakes/etc, and victimizing yourself.

I don't see how spreading rumours/truths that exist in your head to your friends or colleagues who don't even know me is going to make you seem a more acceptable or likeable person. Is this what they teach you in your profession - giving up your responsibilities or to the extent of character assassination?

Your colleagues/friends will not give a damn about what happened between us - in fact, they can't even be bothered about a name that they can't put a face to/ have not even spoken to - so why stoop so lowly?

Move on with your sweetly nectared life, and get a grip.

And remember, karma bites you back in the ass.

*calms down*

Those irritants aside, I have been trying to deal with the extra time on my hands - it's funny how you don't really know how to handle the precious amount of time you've been beggin' for.

Almost one week left, here's hoping that more will be accomplished and I will be ready for the next phase of my life.

And with that, it's time to catch some sleep - before I turn grouchier.

Joining the bed bugs,
Izzy

image credits: www.davidbithell.com

Of Space and Liminality

Was rummaging through online pictures when I found this picture very inspiring.
Somehow, it seems to describe and depict how I feel inside.
Messy. Liminal. Yet Empty.

I see a mess and also an empty space in this picture. Probably describes things in my head too.

The past weeks have been so busy, and finally the Dance Competition for the under 13s kicked off last Saturday.
Somehow, seeing those cute and funky kids dance their way to the championship made EVERYTHING all worth it. I guess, as a goal-oriented person, this is extremely important to me.

I was really inspired by their energy and passion for life,
and started contemplating about life,
about how I was so driven by I-don't-know-what-kinda-force in uni, joining events and fulfilling all my interests.
and now i look at my life, i feel so shallow.

wakeup-gotowork-eatbreakfast-typepapers-gomeetings-eatlunch-typepapers-freshair-breatheforafewmoments-typepapers-gohome-playiphone-eatdinner-(insert stoning activity such as mahjong, texas hold'em, reading, writing, looking out the window with a roll of paper...)-sleep.

i started monday morning bright and chirpy...and it's wednesday, and it's gonna be down hill.

i'm exhausted, uninspired, unnerved, un... un... unsure.

what's life about? a mundane cycle?
it's eating me up.

oh yes, and of liminality.
of grey areas.
why do things always have to be black OR white?
can't they be black and white?
why must we ALWAYS know what we are doing?
why can't we just sit on our decisions and NOT feel bad?
why does life get SO complicated as the age shoots up exponentially?
why can't I just stop wondering about life?

Sometimes, I take lifts and as the lift more often than not opens at almost every other floor, before my floor,
I create and imagine the characters coming into the lift,
with their own life stories,
with their own preoccupations,
flaws, hiccups, weaknesses, soft spots.

And then I imagine ways to cheer them up (cos people always look so glum/uncomfortable when sharing the lift)

and then it's my turn to get out of the lift.

Understand my point?
No?
It's alright. Neither do I.

Grumpsie
Izzy

Credits to: www.flickr.com/photos/ualymerj

Til Death Do Us Part

I am in awe of a wedding blog that my primary school best friend created with her other half, chronicling the small bits before, during and after their solemnization.

The blog is filled with small sweet details of their photo shoot, their life after marriage (the first meal my friend cooked as a new bride/wife), their mini honey moons, how they met (yes, they even made a video at the secondary school they met), their ring choosing and customizing their rings. And most importantly, they continue to write this blog together, 4 months after they have ROM-ed.

They even count down to their next steps after their solemnization - that is, getting a flat, finding an auspicious Chinese wedding date.

It's really very sweet and heart warming, and I know she's in good hands with him.

To many others, marriage could probably be only a hassle or a once-in-a-lifetime experience of shopping for the most gorgeous heels and wedding dress, but somehow, from their blog, I know it's more than that.

It's the amount of significance they attribute to their pre-wedding preparations, on-going solemnization and post-solemnization life, that portrays the amount of commitment they have put in, to their shared lives, to the marriage until the end.

The blog's tagline reads "Falling in love is easy, staying in love is special." How sweet :) I can only agree, since being attracted to someone new (the entire courtship period for both) is definitely easier than making committed effort to stay together.

How many of us would remember the vows "Til Death Do Us Part" and stay true to them?

I've not been married yet (and probably am gonna stay that way for quite some time.. ) but this post hopefully will remind me that one day, the day comes, I will live true to the vow.

Misty-eyed,

Izzy

Credits: http://open.24.net/Gif/Good_Collection/Celestial.Exploring/Blessing.html

Blessings

Every time I count my blessings, I count both you and Su.

Su, being sensitive and introspective, can detect my mood within a split second.
You, being playful but patient and giving, can be my pillar of support.

Thank you for being the 2 very important Cancerians in my life. =)

Loved,
Belle

Surprised

A very meaningful surprise I got from the playful bunny =)
I can't resist putting it up here.

Thank you dearie.
It is really very sweet.

Cheered up,
Izzy

Photocredits: Kristine May on flickr


Sticking together

Finally!
We found one sunday afternoon and started re-doing his room.
[Read: not my cup of tea :) ]

Having said that, it really took a lot of perseverance and strength (literally) to dismantle the bed boards and rearrange many of the cupboards, and mopping and cleaning and scrapping...
amidst a lot of breaks with pepsi and thin rolls of paper...

I'm proud to say we never gave up and just kept on scrubbing and moving like nobody's business :)

Now the room is squeaky clean, much airier, more beautiful and so much more roomier and homelier :)

We also got an air purifier which makes the room so much better, so nice that we don't want to leave the comfort of the room...

Will upload the pictures once the flu bug stops harrassing me :)

Happy,
Izzy

Contentment

Had the worst day ever today - everything that could go wrong all went wrong.

Even the simplest things could screw up.

Thank you for giving me countless hugs and assurances,

and organizing my favourite seafood dinner,

and sitting down with me to listen, and not simply hear.

You drove all the headeggs and grumpy monsters away.

=)

Loved,

Izzy

Freedom

The freedom to fly
Bound by unfettered chains

The freedom to love
Convinced by unbinding contracts

The freedom to live
Enshrined in the temporal impermanence

The freedom to see
Tainted by the spilled palette of colours

The freedom to be
Protected by your love for me.


Woozy,
Izzy

Be careful of what you wish for...

... in case you rub the genie's lamp the wrong way.

Ask, and you shall receive.

Answers, indeed, sought
yet questions abound.

A dead end, with no light in sight,
or a self-fulfilling prophecy, giving up without a fight?

The devil and the hangman
towards the mystic they tend

A heart spoked with arrows
split at the end with sorrows

The wheel of fortune
anticipates the winds of change
relishing before gone too soon
offering a fork in the road
the comfort zone or a toss of the load.

Devilish death of a wandering mind.

Enlightened,
Izzy

Poem from the past

Was thinking about when I started writing poems and all...
It appears that I'm often, if not always, inspired by my tangential thoughts and emotions...
This was the poem I wrote during Lit class in PJC,
and we were asked to display it on the wall.

I wrote it with a purpose then - because it reflected how pure and simple love could have been,
back in 2002.
One of the poems I really like: it is very simple yet, it explains my point above.

This was for the first guy I met during orientation in JC -
also the one that has many stuff that haunts me until now.
Sleeping dogs they shall be,
but always a part of me.

A Love Poem

The first time their eyes met
Fingers shyly touch; they never linger
Hand on her shoulder for a while, never longer
Awkward silence - nothing more than that.

A wobbly finger reaches out - Message sent
She pauses, she waits
She just anticipates
A friendly reply greets her - A new friend!

Conversations at the bus stop never ceased
A rainbow spotted one beautiful evening
Both of them sat side by side, lazing
Even when several buses they missed.

Second of February Two Thousand and Two
She handed him the blue heart pendent
Also meant for his birthday present
Finally together from Two-oh-two

Untidy doodlings on lecture notes,
Hard-to-understand Math theories,
Giving up halfway nearly
Strength comes along with his white coat.

Heart beating, faster every minute
At the bus stop for the last time.
He holds her back, and gives her warmth
Together, never again to be.

A very poignant and soothing song about getting the closure that people want in relationships. Click on the youtube video and read the lyrics - and you'll get what I mean.


You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances
Everytime and all you do is let me down

And it's taken me this long
Baby but I've figured you out
And you thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

*You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't want to hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry
No, no, no, no*

Looking so innocent I might believe you
If I didn't know
Could have loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting
In the cold

And you've got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
'Cause it's worked each time before

*But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't want to hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry
No, no, oh

You're not sorry No, no, oh*

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would have gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

*So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry
No, no, oh
You're not sorry

Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye

Chris Brown's lyrics had never been more apt, minus the ongoing furore about him and Rihanna.

I found this song's lyrics deeply meaningful and I guess what Bev told me rings true -

That we can never have the ending we wish for.
No break ups or endings will end up the nice way we hope it will, especially when we are at the receiving end.

This lyric is penned from the male's perspective, when the relationship is no longer working out anymore and unfortunately, someone has to be the "bad guy" and open his/her mouth and spout the hurtful and undesired line.

And you know what? It strikes me that there's never a really right time to say goodbye.

So, sometimes it's not really the guy's fault when they say goodbye.

Someone's gotta do the dirty job.

Maybe there's indeed some truth to "it's not you, it's me girl".

So cheer up girl, everything will straighten out. I'm here.

*hugs*

Say goodbye - Chris Brown

Baby come here and sit down, let's talk

I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by

Saying that I love you,

But you know, this thing ain't been

No walk in the park for us

I swear it'll only take a minute

You'll understand when I finish, yeah

And I don't wanna see you cry

But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so

[HOOK]How do you let it go?

When you, You just don't know?

What's on, The other side of the door

When you're walking out, talk about it

Everything I tried to remember to say

Just went out my head

So I'll do the best I can to get you to understand

[CHORUS]There's never a right time to say goodbye

But I gotta make the first move

'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me

Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you

Girl it's not you, it's me I gotta gotta figure out what I need

There's never a right time to say goodbye

But we know that we gotta go

Our separate ways

And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,

And it's killing me

Cause there's never a right time

Right time to say goodbye

But now your heart is breaking

And a thousand times I

Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"Why am I taking so long to say this?

But trust me, girl I never

Meant to crush your world

And I never thought I would see the day we grew apart

And I wanna know

[HOOK]How do you let it go?

When you, you just don't know? What's on,

The other side of the door

When you're walking out, talk about it

Everything I tried to remember to say

Just went out my head

So I'll do the best I can to get you to understand

[CHORUS]There's never a right time to say goodbye

But I gotta make the first move

'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me

Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you

Girl it's not you, it's me

I gotta gotta figure out what I need

There's never a right time to say goodbye

But we know that we gotta go

Our separate ways

And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,

And it's killing me

Cause there's never a right time

Right time to say goodbye

What makes us who we are?

Scanned through letters of 5-6 years ago,

familiar yet distant wordings,

brought comfort but now reminiscence of the love long time past,

a precious memory then and now almost chucked away.

Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before -

that was what you said.

While I didn't agree with you then, I concur with you now.

It made me who I was, and who I am and who I will be.

While loving and losing seems almost inevitable,

it is a part of our lives,

a phase we go through.

Change is the only thing constant.

And it is with this mentality that life still goes on,

with the hope that better things come along the way,

and the past makes us stronger. =)

And hence, thank you for having loved and lost me.

Finding Love

Some of us look for love.
Some in the wrong places,
some at the wrong time.
Some don't find any at all.

He comes from a torn apart family,
constantly caught between distant parents,
a house; not a home.
His constant search for love -
Or perhaps a nurturing ground to find warmth and care,
once and again broken into shards of glass;
He swore that he'd never have his own family end up like the one he was born in.
Perhaps noone understood what it feels like to be battling alone
Against others,
against himself.
One after another, a serial monogamist?
He thinks not -
just that love came aknocking, one after another.
Truth is, who does he love?
All of them? None of them? Or maybe, just maybe,
Some of them.
Or has love become an emotional crutch,
for him to be able to give and receive love?
An age too young to ponder about the complications of life
Delves deep into the sea without knowing the depth
Cuts himself with broken bottles and stabs himself in the feet with each step on the rocky slabs

Do we find love? Or does love find us?

Ringing in the heart

What makes our lives beautiful?

Is it just the academic achievements and the accolades that one collects?

Is it the fancy car you drive or the numerous presents you receive?

I believe it's the love that we receive.

The ability to find someone,

who loves you, despite being hurt countless times,

despite being taunted by endless memories,

despite being the giver for the upteenth times,

the ability to be loved by this someone.

Watched Marley and Me,

and an apt phrase kept resounding in my head...

"How many of us can find someone who love you,

despite you being rich or poor,

despite you owning a big or small house,

despite you ranting at him/her...

And loves you everyday,

despite everything you do?"

Indeed, who can?

Together

That day, I was just thinking...
Some people stay together, some just don't...

And why so?

It got me puzzled a little while...

Sometimes, as an outsider,
it's like looking down at a maze
where you see a lost soul trapped in the neverending walls
searching for an exit but never finding it

While we can point out the exit from where we stand
since we are able to see things much clearer,
when the soul is trapped,
the soul is damned and condemned to wonder...

...unless the soul desires to break out of the fetters...

leaves me wondering still...