Happy Father's Day

Perhaps, you will never get to know what I'm thinking
Perhaps, you will never get to know who I'm missing
Perhaps, you will never get to know how I'm living
Perhaps, you will never get to know where I'm heading
Perhaps, I will never get to know when I'll see you again.





Pa,
Feels funny to call you that since you have probably never heard these words.
I'm not sure if you heard me mouth those words in the hospital
Those articulating my love for you, my father
It's been 6 years since you departed.
How have you been?
Every time I have a bad day,
I look up at the starry sky
And I pretend you are one of the shining angels.
And I talk to you in my heart.
Can you hear me?
I'm sure you can.
Because you have answered my prayers for good health for everyone in the family
as well as the 2 beautiful children blessed to 1 Jie.
Thank you Pa.

I remember watching Lion King eons ago,
and when the little lion was scared,
he would look into the water,
and see the reflection of his father

And so very often,
when I miss you,
I stare into the wide horizon of the starry sky
I know you are there.
You are.

6 years, and never forgotten.
Your little girl has grown up.
=)
Still a spendthrift, still love to eat chicken wings,
still love to talk,
like how we used to communicate in the living room
when I couldn't sleep.

And today,
while I view others celebrating Father's Day,
I know some thing's missing.
We may not have had the most communicative or closest father,
But our lives were shaped by you, good and bad.

Happy Father's Day, Pa.
I love you still.
Always.

Hi Kor,

How are you?
I bet you know that all of us still miss you a lot.
I know because,
every time your name's mentioned,
a soft smile would curl up on everyone's lips.

Did I tell you?
I'm graduating this July,
and I managed to make Mummy and family proud
because I obtained a Second Upper Honours.
=)
I know you'd have been proud of me.

My NUS Life is coming to an end,
and on hindsight,
it has not been smooth at all.
If anything, I remember having to lose you in my second year of studies.
It was not easy for all of us.
And after 3 years,
you are still sorely missed by us.

Remember I told you at the window,
that you must recover,
because I want you to be present at my convocation and wedding?
Well, my convocation will happen in this July,
and I know you will still be my side,
with your jovial smile
I know I will be able to feel your presence.
And that is enough for me.

Happy Father's Day, Kor.
You have been a wonderful father to your two boys.
They are now grown up, but I'm sure they're always little boys in your eyes.

We all miss you.
Thanks for being more than a brother to me.
I miss you a lot.

Take care Pa and Kor,
I hope to see you all again one day.

*Dedicated to the two most impt men in my life, who departed on 24 Sept 2002, and 28 February 2005.

for all my cherished friends

sometimes i think that life may never seem to be how we want it to be.
while we may grieve, get depressed, feel infuriated,
and more often that not,
this happens to me with my temper,
i must say on retrospect (thanks to KJ for empowering my vocab),
things sometimes do happen for a reason.
and for what reason, we never know.

but until you realise that on hindsight,
some doors have to be closed, and sometimes unfortunately slammed in our faces,
in order for new doors to be opened.
cliched, maybe, but true.
and in a weird way, i am testimony to this fact of life.
while all seemed to go wrong,
and Murphy's laws were taking strong likings to me,
somehow, somewhere, after numerous tumbleblocks and tears and what have you...
when u are in deep trouble and in the pits,
you can't go any deeper (as eliz has kindly enlightened me..)
and the only way out is the way UP.

and in a way, after several years of struggles and angst,
i see my life moving in a better direction,
and i know whatever had happened, was a test of my strength
(although I must say I would have loved not going through them)
and the old-age adage of 'what doesn't kill makes you stronger'
still rings true, doesn't it?
I guess what matters eventually is the fact that
you live, you learn... of course along with you love, you learn...

why am i being so philosophical?
maybe becos my results are being released soon...
and i hope i can use this advice i preach here...

... or hopefully i dont need to...

Pendulum bobs

Refused to start on this entry, until everything has been crashing.

If I can describe how I feel, it's like having everything splattered in the drain.

Long kang, yes.

You tell me I should be rejoicing about the fact that my exams are over.

Everything's far from over.

This week has been the worst week ever.

Does it feel good to be pondering about the future,

with a stick in hand,

looking aimlessly in the horizon,

unknowingly in the future?

When nothing is for sure.

And I do know this juncture brings changes.

I wasn't told this before I started my uni life,

and now I learned the hard way.

People come and go, would you stay?

Does it feel good to let sleeping dogs lie,

only to have them waking up and prancing around you,

unearthing everything you have repressed,

and even having nightmares about them?

People come and go, would you please go away?

Does it feel good to feel like the loneliest person

in the crowd with smiles plastered on their faces?

And you are aware that your life is supposedly planned out

while others' are not

but you know deep down, there's more to it

People come and go, would you stay and understand?

Does it feel good to enter the exam hall

look at 200 MCQs only to realise you can only 

answer 50 and guessing for the 150 others are a chore

because there are 5 choices for each

People come and go, would you see that my tears are not from joy?

Does it feel good to have your hormones run wild

and you cannot stop the pendulum from swinging 

from one peak to another, stopping at the debris of your heart

People come and go, would you know why?

Does it feel good to not know what you want,

and because you pre-planned ahead

it's simply because you fear the future

and you grab the earlier opportunities available

shutting off all others

because choice is a bloody curse

People come and go, would you see all these?

Does it feel good to sit in the dungeon,

looking like you are in post-exam joy

only if they knew that you would miss everything

and yet you cannot wait to abandon all these and leave

People come and go, would you be the one to stay?

Does it feel good to feel your joy and happiness

and I am but an empty soul devoid of empathy

the deepest emotions possible are jadedness and pain

Purest of pain, they call it

Often underestimated, I feel it in my soul

People come and go, would you see me for who I am?

Does it feel good to not have a soul and laugh along

having heard of encouragements of strength

and you know u ain't like that at all

the irony of it all is that you're filled with unsaid pain

People come and go, would you ever know?

Does it feel good that your overwhelming joy and concern

seep into the darkest realms of my life

blocking out everything else

my words do not always have to be hurtful

most of the time they are cries of help

the line between the past and before have been demarcated

People come and go, would you not be one of them?

Does it feel good to read all your past entries,

feeling all the passion and fervour

which are now sorely lacking in your life

you can only laugh at your own stupidity

People come and go, would you please stay?

Because I need you.

when all is said and done.

the wind leaves its trail
our hair blowing
your smile etched
like
the footsteps in the sand
dancing in the rain
seeing Life
smelling knowledge
eyes twinkled
feet touching
nary anger
hardly frustration
twinkling windows
mischief brimming
melancholy discarded
love taught
life lived

inconsistent rain

last breath
your tears
our eyes
your warmth
our pain
your frost
our worry
your shiver
our loss

you came
and left

my tears
your eyes

your smile

our pain

the wind leaves its trail

to my angel (1963 - 2005)