the l'oreal brandstorm competition is finally over.
at least, the presentation is over :)
what a relief.
the past few weeks have whizzed past
with all 3 of us being high strung, stressed and grumpy
where we'd just bunk at chel's place, eat fruits for breakfast, lunch and dinner..
tag team to sleep for max four hours daily
skip lectures
be grumpy
rush powerpoint
edit notes
be grumpier
sleep lesser as the deadline drew closer
i think ive never been so quiet in my life
i just withdrew to myself and stared fiercely at the computer screen of
information abt biotherm and the survey results
boy, am i glad i took sc2101 module and i can use my quantitative analysis skills to use.
i talked so little and looked so grumpy
i think its scary.
but i am seldom like this,
so actually, i am quite nice, lah :)

the presentation was nerve-wrecking for me
cladded in professional executive suit and skirt and hair tied oh-so-neatly
with make-up
it was like THE professional corporate world of presentations
granted, ive been working as marketing and events before
but never had such a prestigious chance to present at a competition b4
esp being in arts, and not having formal presentations as such
a good experience though i ended up feeling very small
but i reall really did my entirely best
its like a little dream that i fulfilled
that is to join such competitions and to be able to present confidently.
yup, put a check list to that and we shall see if our dreams can be further worked on when 6 february comes.
the results will reveal if we have passed the first stage of pre-case sypnosis
and determine if we have a chance to fight to compete on national level at paris!
:)
i stood straight and confidently, without little movements.. so to aaron, who is most probably reading and grinning, thanks very very much for all the tech support and pointers :)

now with l'oreal competition down (for the time being),
with work down (for the time being)
we have the DRIVING TP test on 26 january! (horrors of all)
i swear i still drive into the wrong lanes, i cant cut lanes for nuts, i get so nervous that i change gear from gear 3 to neutral gear, my U-turns suck totally, my instructor wants to die laughing from guiding my driving, i drove into the opposite lanes... yes... and my test is in 5 days.. i must be outta my mind to even take up driving in the first place... :( i still dont know when and where to turn my car into.. sigh...

and next.. school.. i've been skipping too many lectures for the first two weeks..
time to get back in'sync with work.. tutorials.. lectures... projects...essays.. how nice.... what a 'big' change from wat im doing now..

next in line: marketing project to rush for company

Singles' nite @ newsroom bar to be organized for company

guitar classes

jazz dance classes

school work... (read: tonnes of burying assignments, tutorials, deadlines..)

tuition of 7 kids

driving test and lessons!

i need a break... any short get-away anyone? :)

more than words. go figure.

collide- howie day.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you


YeahI'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

goodness.. its 3.54 am and for the consecutive 3 nights,
i think ive not slept for more than 4 hours..
the l'oreal brandstorm competition is killing all 3 of us..
and now im in pgp's common room trying to finish the remnants of my work
my mind is totally gone, my eyes are like small slits...
and tomorrow is jazz dance performance..
i am gonna look exactly and dance like a zombie too..
and blue blacks collection amount to 5 big one today..

pardon me for the incoherence..
ive been thinking, breathing, writing, reading all about loreal's products and brands until im not so sure what im talking or thinking abt anymore..
train of tots out of alignments...

should i jus hail a cab and go home to sleep before the performance or should i just bunk in at chel's room and pretend im very small sized and squeeze with her..

i need some shut eye....
hectic week ahead.. hang in there...
nightmare.

i am tired.

i found out recently that ive lost passion in a lot of things i love.

work, research, dance, friends, family
everything and anything possible.

short tempered, tired, closed up, quiet
thats becoming me now.

i guess i need a lot of me-time cos im spread thinly like ice and school is just starting soon after work ends with lingering remnants of work to be done still.

dance performance on 14th, competition, work, school, tuition, family, friends, events
sometimes i remind myself i am not superwoman even tho i wish i was.
biting off more than i can chew...
i am being grumpier, and disappointed with myself too
cos i know my passion in doing the best in watever i do is diminishing
seems like its slip shod work and i have no heart to do anything.
maybe its a self fulfilling prophecy and brainwashing done by a certain him,
but it feels like crap at the end of it.
oh yes, and many many 21st birthdays to attend in this month alone. at least 4.
no time, no money.

driving TP coming soon
and i havent even done my circuit
this is how pressed for time i am.

forgot how sleep is like,
havent slept properly and soundly.

want some quiet time to look at the world go by,
not me catching up with fast and furious spinning of the globe.
man, i cannot catch up
and i can hardly breathe.

some better news though:

i got accepted for my business minor - means now i am possibly slightly a little teeny weeny bit more marketable with a business minor. but i am getting so jaded by the corporate world already, i really wonder if thats gonna be my path or i should just go with some airlines and be an air stewardess.
hmm.

i got accepted by NUS for the student exchange programme to go to UK, Uni of Newcastle Upon Tyne. Now i gotta get my results slips, testimonials and all ready and pray hard that UK accepts me. then it'll be off to UK I'll be. I definitely need to get out of this place, after all that has happened, especially since JC1.. life has been ups and downs... never calm.. feel like ive been on huge choppy waves which seemingly is calm but topples me over and jus throws me under. im surprised my mum is actually not protesting against the exchange after today's family reunion dinner. my sisters kindly explained casually that this is an opportunity of a life time, and its prestigious as well. i can see a longing in her eyes, and i know if i could just forego my dreams of going to uk to study no matter how short the stint, i will stay for her. but my sisters lived thru regrets due to poverty and control in the past, and i believe they want me to live my dreams.

work has ended at least for now. its like a shoulder off my burden as its really mentally consuming. but i really learned so much and at the end of the day, maybe thats what matters the most. it was interesting one month with teresa where she knows ill just brighten up with nice food after a horrid day and i guess it just is a funny transition from work to school. from eating at food courts to school canteens.

new year has passed and resolutions are always prevalent in peoples' minds. i guess for me, i would really have to be true to myself, and live out my dreams. going for wat i want and never making myself unhappy even when it means making others unhappy. about being honest and true to myself, and never get bullied or pushed over. and not to trust people easily, in the sense that never get stepped over by close friends or acquaintances.

for me, the past 2005 year is the year where i learned the most.. i dealed with having my bro-in-law leaving me, spending sleepless edgy nights in tan tock seng hospital again.. having to say goodbye to my bf and being brave... working hard and saving up for a trip to aussie... studying german and immersing in a different culture... working in an events company as events manager.. flying to aussie and experiencing a love that would withstand the challenges of distance and time... and cherishing and treasuring every moment together.. holding him close to my heart and dancing to the tunes of Toto's africa, learning to play pool though i still suck at it... living away from my family for 3 weeks in aussie... probably one of the best times in my life cos i had not seen him for so long and to be able to see him then was just incredibly happy and important... being in a short lived long distance relationship... being fun-loving and open to learn jazz dance and guitar... meeting a whole new world of friends who love dancing and making music with guitars... learning about the passion that drives people.. late night suppers and getting to learn so much more to different sides of people.. being betrayed of my trust by someone i was really being a buddy to and that is something i want to forget... losing a close to three year relationship shortly after coming back to singapore... losing a part of me that grew up together with him... the longest relationship i had that just crumbled away... having to be really brave about the loss, 6 modules that totally drained me out... getting close to friends that drifted apart.. performances that sought to drive away my stage fright but evident of living my dreams to perform... driving and driving my instructor up the wall with my slow reactions.. directing in a theatre studies play where everything was done from scratch... everything... i learned so much.

but i guess all these, good and bad, can never really be erased away.. sometimes, fate just leaves the best for the last.. so we just press on in darkest times and tell ourselves that better times lie ahead...

and now we face challenges of 2006... bidding for now..cos i cant even get my 5th module... coping with work, competition, tuition and school... internships hopefully or different kinds of work after exams in may.. 21st birthday... uk trip... surviving... earning cash for the exchange... learning and growing...

and yup, one of the resolutions is to never force myself to do things i dont want to and still put on a smiling facade.. cos im tired.. and i never make myself happy anymore...

whatever doesnt kill makes us stronger.. i may sound weary and jaded.. but one day, it'll all work out nicely..

its the first time i lost my temper outwardly
first time i stopped repressing my inner feelings
jus because im being nice doesnt mean u can overstep the boundaries
respect works both ways,
and i hope u know that i need a breather
that u are suffocating me

plus some men are just plain whiney, ungentlemanly and gets on my nerves

and on the long bus rides home
i just stoned and stoned.
the early start to work was excellent, fresh and chirpy

stop pushing me.

and these are for the men, who are wondering out there...

5 women every guy's gotta date
By Jonathan Small

Before settling down, these are the gals every man should date. Why? For the connection you two feel, of course, but also for the relationship lessons each one will teach you.

With so many amazing women out there, how do you know which one is right for you? The honest truth is, you don’t really—that is, unless you get out there and date. “Men should experience dating many different types of women before they settle down,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a New York-based relationship expert. “The more relationship skills you learn and the more experiences you have, the more prepared you’ll be when true love finally comes.” So, allow us to present five women you really should date before you say, “I do.” Of course, no one is saying you should go through life with a little checklist titled “Women to Date,” but spending time getting to know and appreciate these women can be a wonderful thing. Here, a look at who they are and why you should go out with them.

Type #1: The Older Woman

If you haven’t tried dating up the age chain, you don’t know what you’ve been missing. Mature women have been places, seen things, and have a sophistication and wisdom that you, my young friend, can—and should—soak up like a sponge. “Older women know who they are and what they want,” explains Dr. Gilda. Spend time with one and you’ll gain a terrific perspective on life, and realize that being a desirable woman doesn’t mean being a woman younger than you are. Says Patrick Hayden of Seattle, WA, “I definitely recommend dating an older woman. I dated one when I was 19 and she was 30, and what she taught me carries over to this day.” While a knowledge of wine, travel and the human condition are usually par for the course, so is something else: a tutorial on how to please a woman in bed. “The older woman I dated was like a sex mentor to me. She taught me absolutely everything I know,” recalls Patrick. '

Type #2: The Guy’s Girl

Every guy needs to experience that rare breed of gal who looks and talks like a woman, but loves sports, beer, and action flicks—in short, who acts like a guy. Evan Silver is dating this type right now and couldn’t be happier about it: “She’s a hot woman who plays rugby and encourages me to hang out with my guy friends,” he says. The guy’s girl is often so similar to you that you forget to censor yourself around her—a good thing, according to Dr. Gilda, because it causes you to be more comfortable around women in general. “You’ll let your guard down more, just as you would around your guy friends,” she says. “You’ll learn that women can offer you friendship that you don’t have to reserve for your own gender.” We’re not saying you’ll be staging belching contests with all your future loves, but you will realize that there’s no reason to walk on eggshells around the person you’re dating. You can just be yourself—which is all women want anyway.

Type #3: The Free Spirit

This girl always stops to smell the roses. Think Drew Barrymore, Goldie Hawn, Claire from Six Feet Under. She’s totally creative, spiritual, spontaneous—maybe a tad ditzy—and she relies more on instinct and inspiration than reason and good planning. Why is this good for you? Because let’s face it: Guys are goal-oriented. We like game plans and spreadsheets; road maps and instruction manuals. That’s why sometimes we need a free spirit to fly into our lives and shake us free of our rigid ways. “A woman like this can tap a man’s creativity in ways no one else has,” says Dr. Gilda. “She shows him that not everything has to be perfect or planned.” Michael Pagliughi of Ocean City, NJ, concurs. He considers himself a tad uptight—and says that his art-student girlfriend taught him to chill. “She took me to some underground art galleries, had me stay up to the wee hours even when I had to work the next day,” he recalls. The spontaneity she taught him has carried over into other relationships. “She really helped me discover a more romantic, creative side of myself,” he says. “Now I’m much more likely to meet a date somewhere unexpected or surprise her with flowers."


Type #4: The Brainy Chick

In the dating game, looks often trump intelligence—guys go for hotties rather than girls who can stand their ground in a heated debate. This is really a shame, since not only can the sharp ones keep your mind from turning to putty, they can help you appreciate all facets of a woman and even handle those times in your life when you don’t know it all. “Men are so often intimidated by smart women—they have vulnerable egos and never want to feel as if any woman is showing them up,” says Dr. Gilda. Sure, dating a woman who can beat you at chess or argue circles around you about Middle East politics might be a bit of a blow to your ego at first, but ultimately, you’ll grow from it. Michael of Austin, TX, recalls his brainy ex-girlfriend this way: “She taught me how to debate with the best of them. I had to bring something to the table or she’d get bored. She challenged me in a way I wasn’t used to and that felt great.”

Type #5: The Seductress

Every man fantasizes about dating a girl who has an, um, healthy libido and is extremely creative in bed. The good news: These girls actually exist—and if you date one, you’ll be a much better man for it. But it’s not for the reason you might think. Says Dr. Gilda, “Every guy needs to get this type of girl out of his system. Because he’ll quickly realize that sex alone cannot sustain a relationship.” Evan can relate; he dated a girl who lived and breathed sex. “It was cool at first,” he recalls. But soon he began to want something more. “There was nothing else there, no romance and not much conversation,” he says. “I realized the only connection we had was sexual.” Evan has since moved on from the seductress, but he learned a ton. Sure, hot sex still ranks high on his wish list, but now he also wants a girl he can also really relate to and bond with. And that’s a very valuable lesson.

Taken from msn.com, very interesting stuff to read about :)

5 guys every girl’s gotta date
By Maura Kelly

Wondering which fella to flirt with next? Make a point of getting to know these men—they can teach you wonderful things about life and love…

So you’re out on the town, looking for a cute guy you’ll click with…
who’ll be the next lucky dude? Who’s your usual type?
Before you answer, wait a second, and let us urge you not to date your usual type.
You’ll benefit big-time by dating various types of guys.
Here’s why: Each will stretch the boundaries of what you think makes a suitable mate and teach you a unique set of skills that will come in handy when you do meet The One.

Type #1: The Older Man

There comes a point in every guy’s life when he’s no longer interested in keg parties, Sony PlayStations, and phrases like “getting laid.” In short, a man becomes a man, and that’s exactly why you should see what an older guy is all about. No, it’s not because he could be a sugardaddy who’ll shower you with fancy meals and great gifts (although that could be nice). The real perk of dating an older guy is his worldliness and wisdom, which is bound to rub off on you, says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. “Because he’s had more life experience and has been through more than younger guys, he can play something of a teacher role,” he explains, adding that he once dated a woman 14 years younger than him. “She still calls me today to thank me for the things I taught her,” he says. “She’s always been very appreciative of advice I gave her, even little things like buying a CD, after I explained that I meant certificate of deposit, and not a music album!”


Type #2: The Starving Artist

Okay, sure: These dudes are not going to take you to fancy restaurants or even pay for your half of the dinner bill. Money, nice meals, and material goods don’t mean squat to this guy—and that’s exactly why you’ll have an incredible time once he opens your eyes to life’s simpler pleasures. Erika Meitner of Charlottesville, VA, now sees the world differently after a summer spent with a struggling musician, Jesse. “We went on the best dates, because they all involved great conversation and the most unexpected adventures,” she says. “He knew all the best cheap beer bars, where the jukeboxes rocked, and colorful people always wanted to tell Jesse their stories.” Not only will the world seem infinitely fascinating, but you may feel more fascinating, too, as you become inspired by his creativity and perhaps play the role of his muse.

Type #3: The Metrosexual

OK, so he may be better dressed and more recently manicured than you. Get over it—because not only will you reap the obvious benefits of dating a guy like this (by being able to borrow his expensive shampoos), you’ll get a chance to live a happenin’ life! These guys will take you to all the hottest clubs and coolest clothing stores, and let’s not forget just how fabulous you’ll feel walking hand-in-hand with a man who looks like he just stepped out of an issue of GQ. The benefits don’t end there: His style may well rub off on you. “That’s significant,” says Nakamoto, “because it makes her feel better about herself, as well as making her a stronger player on the social and professional fields.”

Type #4: The Bad Boy
This rebel might have a motorcycle or not, but one thing’s for sure: He lives on his own terms and is not about to apologize for them. Hang with him for a while, and you’ll learn why being bad can feel so good—and how to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Talk about liberating! “In general, women tend to be pleasers, much more so than men,” Nakamoto says. “A bad boy can show them what it’s like to quit trying to make everyone else happy, and just do what you want.” New Yorker Diana Petroff has first-hand experience of these bad-boy benefits, having once dated one of these rebels. “He knew there was more to the world,” Petroff explains. “And from being with him, I learned to look deep inside myself for what's truly important—rather than just accepting what my parents or friends thought was the proper path for me.”


Type #5: The Nice Guy

He never makes you feel insecure or uncertain, never plays hard to get, never makes you doubt how he feels about you. It’s a shame that we need to explain this one, and yet we know how hard it can be to date a true sweetheart, at least at first. “A woman won’t be used to the frequency and consistency of affection nice guys give, since most other guys who are playing the dating game don’t do that,” Nakamoto explains. Even so, he advises that women get used to the nice guys, and quick. Why? Because once you’ve had the good stuff (a guy who calls when he says he will; a guy who wants to see you more often as he gets to know you), you won’t stand for anything less. At the same time, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should start sending out the wedding invites after a few months. “Just because he’s nice doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the right guy,” Nakamoto warns. “He might rate low in terms of romantic chemistry, because he lacks the edge that creates the kind of surprise, passion, and excitement that all people want in their lives.” Of course, the key is finding the man who has everything you want—until then, however, go ahead and try everything and don’t worry so much about whether you’ve found Mr. Right. Trust us, he’s out there. In the meantime, have fun!

i bought my first Subway today.
this time, without you.
its not the one foot long sandwich we always shared
in the coldness of the winter in australia

i remembered us
sharing dreamy and sleepy evenings by looking at passers-by at the corner of the shop in town after shopping,
joking happily about things we saw while eating,
buying one foot long sandwiches very excitedly at hawken drive after missing breakfast and before watching 'the beautiful mind'
choosing indecisively the type of sandwiches we want,
sharing lovingly in the cold our sandwiches - each of us to have a half each so that we share everything together and never get separated,
toasting hungrily the sandwiches in the microwave in the common room next to ur room
trying daringly almost every flavour to save money and also choosing our most favourite ones that would make u so happy.
i was never one to like bread but with u, i just grew to like eating sandwiches together with you.


yes i remember all that.
it was as if in that instant that i was purchasing Subway at raffles place just now,
i could feel your warm presence
right beside mine
i was transformed back to australia
back to the three weeks
where we shared a love we tried to upkeep despite all obstacles we faced
the best times of my life those three weeks
cos of the limitations of time
cos we knew i had to go
cos we cherished every single moment together
cos our love was so strong.


but now
im ordering just a six inch sandwich
we're no longer sharing a one foot Subway anymore
perhaps, symbolic of our love now.


but the really nice warm and fuzzy heart warming feeling
came to me when i remembered all the beautiful times we shared in aussie
it really made me smile from the heart
when i remember the strong love we shared
to support and hold thru the two and a half years we have gone through


the love we shared made me feel that i never realise i could have loved and cared for someone so much.
that i've truly lived.


thank you very much : )

my aunt passed away this morning.

she died of stomach cancer, shortly 10 mths after my brother-in-law died this year.
she didnt want to go to his wake, because it only reminded how painful his fight was and how scary it was to die.
she had to let go this morning, because it was all too painful.
even if her son was at denmark, furthering his studies.

she is a lovely woman, always armed with a smile, makes me feel very warm and welcome to the big extended family gatherings we have where i feel out of place amongst all the others.
always very loving with her husband, i always respected them as the epitome of the perfect couple where they'd grow old together..
we even went to australia together with her daughter after my A levels ended and with my mum as her kaki, they had a really good time..

when i was a little girl, i used to love to go to her place... with her daughter who was the closest to me in terms of age as compared to other cousins.. and i would remember my mum telling me to wipe away my tears when i teared after kindergarten class one day.. she didnt want my aunt to see me cry..and neither did i.. i wanted to be a good little girl in my aunt's eyes as she was a lovely lady to me.

but today,
she lay in the coffin,
her face puffed up with make up done
she didnt look herself at all
but i know for a fact
she was not suffering anymore.
i believe
she is up there in the heavens
no longer suffering, no longer in pain
together with my father and my brother-in-law.

one day, i know im be able to see them all.



at the wake,
those gossipy relatives were exclaiming how there had been three deaths (my brother in law, my aunt and my uncle) recently and being very insensitive as usual
ive always hated these relatives, they have no sense of tactfulness or any common sense.
they have never lost anyone to cancer, how would they know?
how can they pretend to be concernted when they are plain gossipish- by exaggerating the pain they could feel and saying how its better for them to go?
maybe im speaking from the point where they had been insensitive to my family's feelings before
but to comment about my brother-in-law's death on the day he died to be because he had placed the wedding photo directly above his bed, and thus it was 'no wonder he died so young this way'
or to engage in widespread gossip and say 'tsk tsk.. so many deaths..' at today's aunt's wake
all these were just plain mean that it made me sick.

my grandma came and she collapsed at the sight of her daughter in law lost to the battle of cancer.
she had lost her eldest son, her brother, her son in law, her grand son in law, and now her daughter in law.. in a matter of 2 years
and our extended family is actually very much closely knitted, amidst all the gossipy relatives i have
and so the loss is a huge pain to my grandma who single handedly brought up the whole family in the kampung

i stared at my female cousin who's 23 this year.
what do i tell her?
what do i really know about how she feels?
nothing..everything i said would only be superfluous
i was just a loss of what to say,
i just patted her and hoped that she knew i would be trying to understand how she feels.

life is very fragile.
i have attended 3 wakes in this month
and these constant reminders of how temporal life is
can only slap me to face the truth of permanent impermanence.

tombstones cannot appreciate or see the beauty of lilies nor can they feel your love.

*yawns* very tired today...
so tired that teresa msged me on msn from next working cubicle beside me
' are u very tired? can hear u yawn many times.. any programs tonight? rest early tonight'
oops :)

yesterday's jazz dance was a killer - had to slide across the wooden floor so many times that i accumulated 4 blue blacks, each the size of two 50cent coins. EACH. now i look like i got two blue black patches on each of my knee. and i have accumulated those abrasions on my feet again.

and the smart me went to pour hot water for chel, and being very tired.. the hot water overflowed.. and my natural reflexes jus worked in the way that i spilled the hot scalding water chest down to my leg... very smart move right..one whole cup of hot water on new abrasions.. felt damn 'high' from the sharp pain.. with low pain threshold.. still had to dance after that.. ended at about 10+ pm where we had finalised all the steps.. jus needed brushing up.. lots of them... plus me and chel have parts where we slide across the floor for a million times at least.. *poor legs* but its really fun :) thats what matters, i guess.

this morning woke up having to limp cos of the 4 blue blacks on my knees that ive been blessed with..going to work is a chore... when are the weekends coming.... :(

but surprisingly, im in a pretty good mood! :) went to walk around those push carts @ far east square and saw this pretty brown antique belt.. caught my eye.. and i jus got it cos i need a belt and its just beautiful.... teresa knows me best as ms. accessories.. i just love to collect nice accessories :)

and when we crossed the road, ms teresa koh happily pulled me together with her to cross the road den we were stuck in the middle.. cars jus zoomed past and we had to run back to where we started off.. and being the cheerful jovial her, she started bursting out in laughters.. and this happened thrice in total on the way to and from lunch.. but she saved me from being knocked by a merc, so she just attempted murder twice, only. :) PLUS she was laughing after attempted murder. *tsk tsk* laughing loudly somemore.

shopping is therapeutic - as always..plus, ive been reading stuff and listening to music which has been pretty inspiring and positive.. so i guess it just spreads :)
things look so much clearer and better when u have a clear mind and maintain a positive outlook. :) a smile is a curve which straightens a lot of things...

and besides, noone's eyes ever got hurt from looking at bright side of things:)

whoa - yesterday had been a crazy night, a good thing in comparison to the long dreary day typing and falling asleep :)


ken(my boss) was icQ - ing me at workand asking me if we wanted dinner cos its been so long since we last had dinner together since my eAngelz day and cos owen & wilson were driving around bedok area, we decided to meet in town with teresa and ken to have dinner..
so around 630, it began to pour cats and dogs and owen picked me up from the office.
before that, i was drenched in the sudden rain :(


they made their way to suntec via ecp only to realise that ken wants to go orchard..
was quite a long ride - parking was a big issue in town (surprise, surprise)
so we finally met up and ate @ cine's pasta mania where wilson was constantly teased to be gay...
and we started joking and laughing like the good old times months ago - always good to laugh off day's hard work and toil :(


so the guys started hallucinating, thinking i could finish 1 whole pizza to myself..
obviously, to make fun of me as always, simply because they couldnt finish the pizza
and ken suggested playing the kiddish game to decide who would finish ALL
and i saw glint of conspiracy among the three guys
so i played along and made sure i was alert enough
and ken ended up losing! haha
we kept teasing that my age together with teresa would be his age already but he insists on being young @ heart - totally amazing at his youthfulness and energy...
just like how happiness spreads - his passion and energy in life just spreads to us when we hang out with him... :)


then we went to coffee bean near the Californai Fitness and u see people working out and facing the windors which i found damn amusing..
i mean, granted there ARE cute hot hunks but i felt a little voyeuristic looking at people sweating it out.. haha.. im not complaining of course :)
then the whole conspiracy among the 3 best buds began where owen joined her and ken to buy hazelnut latte and i was left with wilson who tried to ask me what i tot of owen and trying to be absolutely nonchalent and natural abt it.. i just realised after the whole thing that owen refused to let them go back to find me and wilson because they were conspiring to let him talk to me(though i dont know what about...)
and there, owen tells me wilson is not bad... can consider..
wilson says owen is nice..can try.. best buds trying to sell each other off...
i think these three men are trying something fishy cos this morning tressa told me that ken asked her if i like owen... and they tried adding us to a multiple user conversation via iCq... -___- i think there's nothing left of my reputation le

after the drinks @ starbucks, i went to meet jae for dinner @ marina and everything looks so squeaky brand new.. the interior lights were so bright and flashy that my eyes hurt..
the whole concept felt very new - it almost felt like the malls i went to in aussie (toowong) and a very non-singaporean feel to it.. sadly, all malls in singapore are looking pretty similiar that its hard to find differences anymore...


anyway, marina is like a haven for getting lost and finding good food - but by the time we reached there, the places were closed and we went to carl's junior.. where i didnt eat but just soaked in the american culture of globalisation.. the burgers arent very small @ all and u wonder why its called 'junior'.. :) anyway, we almost went to catch a movie - only that i was too tired and didnt feel like i was able to tahan 2 hours of watching a show...


and so we drove along... and decided to go to Jazz@Southbridge... very nice jazzy feel to it... very laid back and relax :) my kinda place
me and jae were mesmerised by the bassist and guitarist and so we started chatting about anything underneath the sun.. was a great place to chill out with beer and nice music...


looks like today's gonna be my last day @ this bedok branch
this little cubicle in the office has been my place to people-watch and do my work as well :)
one of the woman was super nice - she saw my cup noodles and was telling me that its not healthy to eat that 4 lunch and always offered me food and talked to me... :)


jazz dance practice tonight after work..
blisters, cuts and sweat - bring them on! :)
the performance is coming soon, and honestly its quite scary to even think abt it :(
cant wait to end work..

this work place @ bedok is nice :)
very helpful colleagues who offer me food, give me assistance and make coffee for me.

im nodding off at my laptop; only slept for 4 hours last night
was at huiwen's chalet last nite - caught up with the gang for a little while but
it felt good to see them again :)
i missed those bunch of fun loving nice friends,
even though i was never in their class - they never made me feel left out or out of place.
thats what friends are for right? :)

my body clock feels crazy
my body feels overstretched
i need sleep :(

at least i have the nice aroma of the coffee to accompany me
how i wish i was in england, in a nice cafe sipping coffee away...

a new blog look - a supposedly happy entry but looks like its not possible because
i am very very tired.
two weeks into the december holidays and i think im all burnt out.
overloaded with so many committments that i can hardly breathe, i seriously want some time for myself :(

been in a hectic rush preparing for the dance performance and its killing all our legs - abrasions, cuts and bumps: i have them all decorated on my heels :(

ive been posted to a far far away branch away from my main raffles place office, where i slog my guts out.. okay, maybe not guts.. but i strain my eyes looking at piles and piles and piles of small business name cards endlessly, and after the messy me decided to be meticulous and packed them nicely, spending 1.5 days on it.. its all messed up because the boss was finding his own business contacts among them! *pulls out hair in utter horror* so much so for being so careful - murphy's laws always work on u when u least need and expect it.

im currently working with teresa at ken's company - i met him thru eAngelz social event and we all hit it off well, thus i asked ken if he had a vacancy.. and ta-da.. i landed myself a position of assistant/associate consultant with the firm with teresa... located in the heart of all good eating places and bombarded with millions of temptations that we never have to eat the same thing for lunch at any day :) it is just right smack beside my ex work place - eAngelz and panorama, thus the all nice familiarity is definitely soothing. But for the next three days, i probably will be stuck at the bedok branch to collate contacts from business name cards, leaving me all alone at an industrial park with lecherous eyes from those male workers.. okay, so im biased against men :p but its highly uncomfortable to travel to bedok and work there in an industrial park and feel totally out of place.

ive got driving coming up later on, a chalet to go tonight, work to rush so that i can go back to the comforts of the raffles place branch, birthday presents to buy, student exchange plans to think about, millions of tuition to teach, a competition to plan for... and everything else under the sun basically.

being the workaholic that i am, i usually dont realise how much work i love to fill myself with.
but this time i know im definitely overloaded :(

exactly 24 hours to freedom - just can't wait... exams are ending! after 6 torturous papers, i cant wait to get away...

so many ideas all flitting in my mind, endless things to do... so much to do, so little time.. much more meaning that schoolworks gives :)

found a lot of nice songs recently... so im gonna share the meaningful lyrics:

jesse mccartney - beautiful soul
[Chorus]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah
You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul

someone over spilled the palette in the sky,
there was a beautiful mix of blue that day
awesomely perfect.
i walked out from my tuition kid's place,
totally in awe.

how can the sky be so beautiful?

:)

must be cos of the angels around me :)

the near breaking of dawn
the beautiful stillness of the night
the deep symphony of breathing
the soundness of sleep

but
u seemed to be sleeping too peacefully
did you forget about us
or me?

the curtains were drawn around your bed
i couldnt see anything more
my legs shaking
did not know what to think or pray.

the angel in white came
with his deep accent and told me in a way
'u are normal'
and that made me smile

but mummy wasnt sure;
she asked me to ask the angel again
'no more'
this time, clearly accentuated
and the angel walked away
leaving the air still
and me with bated breath

my legs dragged me to the waiting area
mummy just lay on my shoulders and cried
i didnt know what to think
my fingers found my sisters' numbers
and i found a tiny voice
that murmured weakly to them

that
you
had
slept
forever.

do you know everyone rushed down to see you?

after everyone arrived in the hall
dawn broke
and i cuddled into a ball
by the side of the room

my body started shivering
and
i dont know why
only tears came from my eyes.

i remembered your body at rest
stiff and cold
not like half an hour before,
ur body was heaving sighs heavily,
together with painful breathing.

im sorry i didnt pray hard enough to keep u by my side
i know u just had to go
and i didnt want to keep u here
together with me every night
in unvoiced pain
because
u never could speak after the fever u got when u were young
and i never knew how much u hurt inside.

im sorry i didnt pray hard enough daddy.

i didnt make u stay.

i love u still.

sorry that u have already left us 3 years already.

cheers to term papers, term papers and more term papers!
and add projects to that.. lots and lots!
damn..
im super highly strung up..
everything wants a bit of me...
:( 6 modules, and 6 times the work load!

mid term break next weeeeeeeeeeeek!

the 3rd mid term break in my nus stay.. and its all the same alright.. stress level piling up... not much of a holiday

always look forward to the end of the week, where there are guitar classes and jazz dance... both just make me happy!

life's too stressful...

we are all caged birds/free the trapped souls inside u...................

i hate those who hang around my block
and disturb me nonstop.

hate it when they call me isabelle.
how on earth would they know

and today when i carried my guitar back from guitar class
they were just staring and guffawing..
''guitar lesson eh?" and they started laughing, strumming away on THEIR guitars.

blardy irritating assholes.

hate the piercing stares.
wish i could stuff their eyes with my guitar.

*fumes*

anyway,
my fingers are painful until they are numb.
blisters galore.
but they sure feel good when i strum away on the guitar
sadist, i am.
heh :)

resting my poor little toes after the incessant walking up and down.


weekends are here!
whoopeeee :)

went back to pjc for alumni talk for juniors yesterday
i was kinda hesitant abt it initally,
knowing that i would have to talk about the passing of my dad
but i guess the fact mr yeo told mdm shafa that i might not be comfortable talking about my dad kinda told me something,
that perhaps its time to face my fears.

had to be in sch at 730am and the whole rush jus began like that..
passing to the vp tokens from the pac alumni,
then the talk started at 8am in lt 4..
and i was seated beside adam and mr yeo - felt comforting that i had ppl who understood what i went thru just beside me.
adam and another first batch senior were definitely candid and funny in their speeches, whilst i was racking my brains and trying not to be nervous.
i have a fear of public speaking.
and so adam began to tell the juniors abt his dad, and how crappy it was to have gone thru something in ur life that u never control..
so i began mine.. with the fact that my dad passed away barely one month after his.
and in the end, i would say that the talk went rather smoothly.
with a junior telling me in the end that i was speaking very soft.
shy mah.

then hung around in school abit, talked to the teachers..
the mood was jus not the same, things changed.
sometimes i wish i had been told how things, teachers, places and ppl u love and care about would jus change so diffrently once u step out of the school.
how ppl leave and go.. and change...

hung around til 1130 am as mr chia asked me to talk to the arts cohort, who were weak in maths like me, and how to not give up hope.
mdm angelina teo was there, egging me on to tell them how i passed my maths.
and they all thought that i was advertising for maths dept.
i think my fear of public speaking had been conquered twice in a day.

hung around in mr yeo's office- he showed me pics and videos of baby chloe.
very very blessed family..

perhaps,
im just drifting
drifting along with the choppy waves

waitin for it to bring me somewhere

perhaps,
ill just float
not quite aimlessly
but being pushed and devoured

perhaps,
just perhaps,
ill be able to find my way.

now that this portrait has finally reached my dear's room in australia after 9 days, i can post it on my blog =) beautiful right? i love the way the portrait captures the loving happy twinkle in my boy's eyes :)

my boy completes my life :)

-anyone interested in this street artist who drew the portrait? he is often seen busking on the roads of orchard, near meridien hotel :) -

lovely green turtle balloon tt justin got me :)
my boyfriend's uni! :) beautiful place! perfect weather! wish i was still there :(

=) took this on the bus on our 2 yr 2mth anniversary,
after my lulu buy the green turtle balloon for me!
im wearing the nice cap which brings him luck
everytime we play mahjong.. on the way back from town!


10 aug 2005

went to corrinne may's concert today - she is as good as her recorded songs, in fact she is better singing live. just with her songs, she moves me to tears with her -fly away- and today i discovered several more songs which she sang and moved my soul :)

S A M E S I D E O F T H E M O O N
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 1998, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch

You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray
I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon

And though you'll never see all my tears shine
know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

I picture you across the oceans
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear

Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change
It's still the same side of the moon

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon

And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

corrinne may dedicated this song to people 'who might be in a long distance relationship' as she understands how difficult it is to be apart...

she probably knows best, having been away from singapore for 9 years...

beautiful lyrics right?

so my dear, we cant be too far apart, if we are both looking on the same side of the moon :)

on my way back home from esplanade, i took 97 and dropped @harbour front... her insightful lyrics brought a smile to my face and i called my dear.. believe it or not, this is probably the 4th time im calling him since he left :) pooor monster always ends up calling me.. and i guess my boyfriend was very surprised to get my call.. and so we talked.. :) it was a very good talk, felt that it brought us closer despite the distance [cos we are both lookin on the same side of the moon ;) ] of course partly cos of the gossips shared :)

was a pretty good day with the medical sociology lect, dont know anyone there but it helped me concentrate in class! wahaha... mugger side in me showing...

and i got my 6th module!!! muahahahahaha! thanks to my dearie who helped me check out my mail...

i end with corrinne may's [save me] and i dedicate it for my boyfriend :)

I drift I burn, I fly

When you sing lullabies

I 'm helpless, I'm yearning

I'm like putty in your hands

I laugh, I dream, I cry

When you take me on a rollercoaster ride

You see me through and through

You see just who I am

Just take my hand and

Save me from this place

Heaven knows I'm falling

For you, my sweet embrace

Heaven knows

Heaven knows I've been waiting for you

I had a dream that I

Was falling from the sky

At 90 miles an hour

I was bound to crash and die

But out of nowhere you came and rescued me

There must be some grace in the touch of your face

I'm so happy that I've found you

I'm no longer afraid

Oh 'cause you

Save me from this place

Heaven knows I'm falling

For you my sweet embrace

Heaven knows

Heaven knows I've been waiting

Before I met you

Life was slow-mo

So slow-mo

I thought I had it figured out

But you came and turned my whole world upside down

Save me from this place Heaven knows I'm falling

For you, my sweet embrace

Heaven knows

Heaven knows you've come to save me from this place

had a little talk with a friend about relationships.. and so random thoughts began to flow... negativity from the other set in... but i know why mine isnt negative...
the things that keep me going... :) and the list just can go on..
i really know that i feel very comfortable with him and he makes me feel that i can be myself.. he sees the way i sleep like a zhuglet and my deep breathing.. he knows i hate onions.. he knows how i react when im unhappy but i pretend im ok.. he knows how to make my lips curl into a smile when im having the worst days.. he knows i love his hugs and he is never stingy with them.. he takes very good care of me and makes sure im free from flu and all illnesses.. he is sensitive and knows when im upset... he knows i try very hard to shy away from people.. he knows that when i cry, all he has to do is just wipe away my tears and give me hugs.. he tucks me into bed and kisses me goodnight.. he bears with my irrational fears and loves me still... he knows me the best and i can never hide any things from him.. nothing has to be said.. but he knows all.. and the little raging monster in me always finds solace in his company :)

i feel completely safe and comfortable with him around cos i know there's nothing to feel insecure about.. i told my friend.. im amazed at how my heart still beats fast at being able to see him... never a moment of dullness with him.. a smile, a high pitched chuckle, a rub on my hair, a kelian gaga face, guitar playing tt brings my breath away still, and the sight of this boy just makes me smile.. and he is worth it :)

have u told the one u love u love him/her yet?
=)

i miss my lulu.. its a saturday tomorrow.. and i miss saturdays spent just watching nice meaningful movies like 'beautiful mind' and 'phantom of the opera' and just enjoyin such moments together in his hostel.. quiet... and nothing said... but it always felt like it was the best conversation ever with my best friend :)

im not that sure anymore, about missing school...
i went into ivle and i was swarmed... make that FLOODED with workbins, forums, website links all coming up with information..
sigh-
school.... termpapers.... midterms.... suddenly horrors of memories just floood back...
oh well
this busy semester is starting.. hopefully six modules... basic theory test on monday!! wee!! supposedly 23 sept, but by some lucky... twist of fate.. someone gave up 8 august's slot!
:)
tuition starting next week
thinking of joining some cca
probably gonna be so bz by marketing, which i reckon that i cant understand at all, despite having done marketing in work at eAngelz..
anyway,
bought some books to read from kino today after playing pool with gan, shiyang and belle..
the lulu of mine got me addicted to pool when i was bunking at international house cos its so fun... and he taught me how to play.. but i m still very thrashable and very lousy.... which will make my lulu roll with laughter at how i can miss some obvious shots..
and my lulu first taught me pool, bearing in mind how patient he has to be... and he actually was very very patient... teaching me my spider and how to stand.. he almost fainted.. but nice of him to be patient :)
yeps... and after pool me and belle and shiyang went for nice prata and milo dino @ bukit timah.. yums... but was so full... den we had some provocative conversations where shiyang tried very hard to pretend he wasnt there due to the chio girls behind him, but to no avail... they know how perverted he is! wahhaha!~ hmmm but conversation was like... pretty deep... so yeah... oh welll..
then went to town where he had to buy his jap dictionary from kino and me with my books.. and something really really very nice..
hmmmm
busy weekend ahead... start studying for basic theory test.. this ben girl will surely flunk if no studying is done.. organise photo album.. read.. print notes...
be as hardworking as my inspiring lulu! hhaha
my lulu is fast asleep now, my angel who helped me find info about bedbugs tt bite and harass me to no ends... arghhhhh... dont ever mention [dont let bedbugs bite] cos its not funny at all...
so sweet my angel! :)

im off to sleep... -out-

haizzzzz
i m so disappointed :(
been waiting for so long..

uh oh.
being the very bored me, i scrolled thru my empty ivle happily..
ur ivle is NEVER empty when school starts..
and here i find... the course outline and requirements already filled in conscientiously by my upcoming lecturer for Mass Media and Culture
and it is s c a r y.

READ THE FOLLOWING BEFORE YOU ENROL IN THIS MODULE. THE COURSE IS NOT SUITABLE FOR THE FOLLOWING PERSONS:
1. If you are a FIRST YEAR student, it is advisable that you wait till your second year to take this course. Past experience shows that first year students dont have the intellectual tools or maturity to read general second or third year modules. They have to compete with more advanced students in their second and third year (many of whom are single-majors in sociology), and as a result they feel lost in class, and do badly in grades. This course is offered every year, so be patient and wait till your 2nd or 3rd year to read the module.

2. If you are looking for HANDOUTS/NOTES, do not take this module. There are NO handouts in class, there are no power-point lecture notes for you to download, nothing for you to copy! Anyone taking this module has to listen and make your own notes. You may have to learn speed-dictation as lectures may be delivered at rapid fire.

3. If you are looking for "hip" aspects of mass media -- American Idol, Reality TV, talk shows, MTV, etc. -- you will be disappointed because this course DOES NOT cover these topics, which are likely to be found in the Popular Culture module. This course is mostly about news and politics.

4. If you are fishing for an EASY module, this is not it. The course syllabus changes every year, there is a new textbook, past year exam questions are no guide to the present, tutorials are demanding. Are you sure you want to go through all these ?

5. If you are looking for personal validation, this course is not the vehicle for that. In fact, you'll get the opposite: you will feel slighted or ignored as the lecturer cannot remember your name, very often doesnt give you eye contact, and doesnt have time to answer your email. Part of the reason is due to SIZE of the class: you cannot expect equal attention in a class of over 100 students. If you want to be remembered and loved by lecturers, you should take smaller classes of ten to thirty.

(c) When you take this module, be prepared to accept the demands placed by the lecturer. Past students in other modules taught by this lecturer characterized him as: sarcastic, opinionated (“he makes us feel that our way of seeing is wrong, because his way is correct and real”; “he is bent on imposing his opinions on his students”), strict (“he even scolds students for yawning”), critical (“he can be a bit intimidating and it makes going to his class a bit stressful”; “his tutorials often have a tense atmosphere”), disorganized (“tutorial very unstructured, tutor comes into class empty handed”), too politically liberal (“he is anti-govt”), technologically inept (“he refuses to use power point”), unresponsive (does not answer email inquiries).

sounds really intimidating enough huh?
this sociology class is going to be damn interesting
no notes for me to print, to photostate, im on my own...
and i'd better do my own notes conscientiously.
looking forward to THIS sociology class :)

its the monotony of a dreary morning again that almost lulls me to sleep, no matter what i do..
its raining, pitter patter, pitter patter
perhaps a little down my heart..
a big monster hug would bring the blues away :)

no tuition today, and the rest of the day is probably spent trying to figure out how it is to be spent..

add a little thunder like it is now,
and it perfectly portrays how i feel...
its the blueeeeesss

slow moving tuesday, like a turtle
little steps, crawling towards tomorrow, then tomorrow then tomorrow..
when will school start? :(

there's angelznite today, and grace managed to get free admission for first 100 with a new sponsor.. whoa.. really very cool.. im a little too lazy to drag my paws down to the event... a little too sleepy.. and maybe just no mood

yeps, i m a crampy grumpy sad zombish disoriented girl..
not really anymore tho :)
i had my fair share of sleep like a zhuglet as lulu will say..
im just BORRREEEDDD!
its my holidays.. or whats left of it..
i almost contemplated joining flag day - sense how bored i am yet?
but lazee me just decided to stay splat at home

some good news, received finally my uob debit and mini..
hohoho! not tt i will spend lavishly, but i think its always good to have a debit on hand.. yeps :)

rain rain...
the light patters of the tear drops from the sky
caressing down the walls
rain rain..
its cold, makes me shiver
unlike the cold which makes me smile :)

and the 5th module im bidding for... marketing..
is increasing every minute i swear
and bidding is open til tomorrow...
75 vacancies, 119 bidders, next min bid is hitting 200
i only have 1000+ points,
and what about the 6th module i have to bid for?
bidding sucks.. makes me feel small and... worried.

maybe i can go back to making some earrings again.. :)

[ i will stay by him and not speak or think of giving up so easily anymore]
this is what we both learned :)
its 1058pm, already 1258 am in lulu's place
he must be sleeping soundly, with early class of 10am tomorrow
heard from fei tt ih food was really bad today..
hope my baby is sleeping soundly and full :)
missing u is so hard..
i never knew walking away... or leaving the person u love was so hard
so stoned on the plane.. didnt know what to feel or say with the tears so stuck in my throat...
i missssss uuuuuuuuuuu
*sad kelian face*

if i could
i would pack u into my luggage
and bring u along when i left

if i could
i would hold u in my hands
and hide u safe and secure in my heart

if i could
i would hug u to sleep
every single night

if i could
i would sleep on the heartache and missing of you
and hope that it makes it easier for me

if i could
i would be beside u right now :)

i am back :) touched down at 2:15 am.
i am away from my darling again, but i will see him again, in simply 4 months time. the worst 5 mths have passed.. 4 mths is nothing when i have him locked safely in my heart =)
its too hot here.. i miss the nice beautiful cold weather, with the morning breezes waking u up like soft gentle kisses and after i bathe, the nice soothing feeling of jumping underneath the cosy blankets and melting in them is way toooooooo good. yes, i am beginning to miss brisbane :)
sleepy me was very unaccustomed to the endless towers of buildings and greenery in the cab back.. was really a little blur to take in the view of singapore, which i have missed for past 3 weeks.. brisbane is beautiful with its scenery, the cool weather, the calm brisbane river and everything... wish i could go back already..
only caught 4 hrs of sleep in total - but cant sleep at all anymore... its like im a zombie walking around aimlessly at home, figuring out my biological clock, feeling extremely hungry, yet my body is refusing food, feeling very sleepy yet being unable to catch any sleep at all, and of course missing him already yet being unable to hold his hand or even smell him for now.
i feel so much more closer to him after these 3 weeks and we've talked thru issues, ironing them out and instead of me always insisting that he doesnt tell me stuff.. i didnt look at myself... i didnt realise i no longer told him stuff about me anymore as i tot he wouldnt be interested and i always assumed... and i never gave him a chance.. and how would he know how unhappy i was if i never told him? i didnt open up to him... and what came after that just went down the hill..
we now know what went wrong in the past... communication is extremely important in any relationship... and TOUCH is essential when we talk (touch as in hold each other's hand, hold each other, touch his hair..) and the lack of trust i had in him (no fault of my monster but of past horror experience.. no matter how hard i tried to trust, the intense worrier monster in me couldnt stop my wild imaginations from flying all over and i didnt see... how much my lack of trust almost killed us.. how hurting it could be to have your love doubted... we depended on msn as communication gradually but it is essentially different from talking and sharing over the phone..and i have to make efforts too in calling my dearie... having been his gf for 2 yrs +, shouldnt tt make me more understanding that he is less of a words person and not insisting on him being vocal?
the first part of our long distance relationship has passed and there are so many lessons we can learn from it... and the next stage of 4 months has arrived faster than i'd have liked.. i wish i could stay there.. in his arms for three weeks, for eternity :)
before i boarded my plane, we hugged tightest and seeing the glistening tears in my eyes and my lips biting from crying, my monster told me not to cry and that he will be back to scoop me in 4 months... and if i were to cry, the customs wouldnt let me thru.. i couldnt say anything more but to give him a sudden big hug which i wish could last us thru eternity.. and i went down the escalator with red eyes, but no i dint cry... except when i was sleeping last night.. and the tears just rolled... they had a life of their own as they couldnt find the lovely brown eyes closed in deep sleep anymore..
this three weeks is definitely the best time of my life and once again, we have to move on with our lives :) studies for next 4 mths, and yes.. ill have my purple monster back in spore holdin my hands again. :) and he would be back to complete my life =) i feel definitely more driven and focused for the next four months.. hopefully i can take 6 modules to clear my mistakes in choosing modules... and do well.. a cap of 5? haha.. i never felt so motivated to work hard.. maybe all i need is a good cosy holiday to pour out all my unhappiness and i can let go of my burdens once i have cried my eyes out to my monster in the late night talks about my brother-in-law who has already left us... maybe its just being with my monster, who brings all the smiles back and wipes away all my tears, even those hidden ones.. he still knows me best.. me at my cranky, moody, piggish, sleepy and monsterish side..
cant wait for school to start! :) everything's working nicely for me finally, tuition jobs secured, 4 modules secured :) sorted things out, having a good and stable relationship with the bestest bf in the world. :)
trust and love my monster, all ways. always. :) brisbane is way beautiful. :)