Izzy the Grouch

Stupidity

2011-09-28T22:20:00.001+08:00

I never felt more stupid in my entire life...

Suddenly all the accolades, recommendations, 2 up, matters no more...
If any, it makes me feel worse.

The wonders of the (or rather my) mind

2011-09-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

I just had a realisation...

A small thought meandered its way and crept subconsciously into the crevasses of my (sometimes over-laden) mind filled with rubbish thoughts...

That I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Ouch.

These days

2011-09-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

Somedays,

this is exactly how I feel.

Despondent, lost, and just not wanting to say a single word more.

Maybe because I hear my voice all the time now, so whatever leaves my lips after work is just superfluous because (1) I get tired of my voice (2) it doesn't change the facts and (3) it is not income-generating (ha! thinking like one in my profession - being profit driven).

But jokes aside on (3), I guess I have never felt such strong urge to hide in reclusion and live like a you-guessed-it hermit.

This is somewhat ironic, thinking of how I always try to yank my loved ones out from their nothing-box/hermit shell/behind their gargantuan walls... and now, I build my own walls.

The truth is, these long hours are draining me and while I stress again that I was aware of what I was getting myself into, I did expect a certain level of self-discipline and determination - and self-discipline I did show - to the extent that I even tried organising my schedule in a disciplined way (one must understand that organising and being neat are very foreign notions to me - and pardon the lack of vocabulary... discipline is not a very intriguing word for me to conceive its synonyms).

And the worst part is though I gather I do need a breather/break/off/leave, I feel guilty that I am even going to take one day off.

What happened to preparing myself to work even on weekends.. and now consecutive weekends are even wearing me thin and I am taking off (thanks to a very understanding boss who provided all of us one day off each)?

It's not as if I will be doing anything productive on this much-craved-for day... In fact, if any, I would be just couch/bed potatoing my hours way...

belle, u need to be better than this..

Wilting,
belle

The world and I

2011-09-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I marvel at how misleading impressions can be.

Often, I feel that the burden of the world is crashing on me, leaving me breathless and almost in tears.

The disclaimer here is that I know that compared to many other young people out there, I am very fortunate to already have a family who loves me unconditionally, close friends who would be supportive despite my mad antics, and a good education so far.

However, there are defining moments where the smallest things can ignite an almost immediate reaction of sheer irritation and a flare of anger - and I must say that it takes a lot to hold myself back and just walk away from the mess to prevent an avalanche of unwanted emotions.

Just like recently, where I have never felt smaller amidst the neck-breaking pace of life and unachievable crazy targets.

Interestingly, I had had at least three encounters where new friends/colleagues approach me and ask about the usual how-you-find-the-job-and-your-sales-must-be-very-good and they highlight one similar point - that I appear very confident, stoic and that I know where I'm headed to.

Perhaps I am too good at putting up this facade but I actually think that the external layer of cold determination is really a manifestation of the myriad of fears inside.

I am not what I appear to be - and even close friends have commented that I appear strong. This has happened in recent years, especially after my dad and brother-in-law passed on and I trudge on with a cheerful and sometimes nutty facade.

Sometimes I feel that it can be a curse and/or blessing that friends/colleagues/strangers have such impressions - noone likes appearing weak - but that in itself provides me additional pressure to perform up to their standards (or perhaps meeting my own expectations).

I believe that my own perfectionistic and control freak ways tend to cause my own downfall in all aspects of life, but sometimes it's the only way I know how.

It's never been deemed possible to even allow myself to slip down the treacherous routes (save for one of my career switches) - it has been unthinkable and while I joke about the whole short stint, I still berate myself quietly for letting something so worthwhile to slip away since I had worked so hard for it in the first place.

Sometimes I really think I drive myself crazy.

It's really difficult to express how this perfectionist streak is making my life terrible - but it only means I must always get it right.

That said, I am wistful about what lies ahead - because when one makes a move, one needs to be in a better off position - other wise, why the change?

Yes belle, why the change?

Pondering,
Belle

Tenacity - a curse more than a strength

2011-07-04T23:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes my downright stubbornness gets to me, and sucks me to hell.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell - or rather who the hell - I am fighting for/against.

To prove a point? To prove myself? To prove them wrong?

To get a kick out of knowing I can do it, but at the expense of everything?

I think how all these enthusiasm/optimism/passion dissolves within one day proves a point, au contraire.

Why bite off more than you can chew, ms try-to-act-tough?

It's the same whole viscious cycle, my dear

Why do you never learn?

*throws hands up in air*

miffed,
belle

2011-06-27T03:40:00.002+08:00

张靓颖如果这就是爱情

你做了选择对的错的

我只能承认心是痛的

怀疑你舍得我被伤的那么深

就放声哭了何必再强忍

我没有选择我不再完整

原来最后的吻如此冰冷

你只能默认我要被割舍

眼看着你走了

如果这不是结局如果我还爱你

如果我愿相信你就是唯一

如果你听到这里如果你依然放弃

那这就是爱情我难以抗拒

如果这就是爱情本来就不公平

你不需要讲理我可以离去

如果我成全了你如果我能祝福你

那不是我看清是我证明我爱你

灰色的天空无法猜透

多余的眼泪无法挽留

什么都牵动感觉真的好脆弱

被呵护的人原来不是我

我不要你走我不想放手

却又不能够奢求同情的温柔

你可以自由我愿意承受

把昨天留给我

Gorgeous

2011-06-27T03:16:00.000+08:00

Insomnia returns - with its successful sequels

2011-06-23T13:36:00.000+08:00

The concept of Sleep has successfully joined the concept of Love, in all its elusiveness and disappointments.

The more you try to shut them peepers tight to force yourself into snoozy-land, the more frustrated you become - your thoughts all jumping around, flashbacks all abound, but that tinge of sleepiness nowhere to be found.

Make yourself physically exhausted by turtle-swimming in the pool? Checked.

Make yourself mentally tired by reading heavy duty stuff (coupled with bad reading light, cold thunderous weather, and a turtle-speed processor)? Checked.

It took me 1.5 hours to fall asleep last night, from 5.30am.

I think the worst things to lose in life are indeed your soul, your mind and your sleep.

Zzzzzz,

Izzy

One year hiatus

2011-06-23T04:27:00.002+08:00

Time flies, and it's been more than a year since I last penned my random thoughts on this blog.

This must have been the longest since I ever stopped writing - seems to be rather reflective of my state of mind in the past year: all over the place and sorting out thoughts.

And what a year it has been.

Another chapter has closed for me, as I move on away from my comfort zone, in that cushy chair surrounded by piles of concept papers, evaluation reports, minutes (groans), presentation slides, files and my trusty old computer, to a smaller yet less cosy environment enclosed in a glass tank. I made this choice - and apprehensive as I may be, I will (have to) deal with it. Hopefully, strongly though.

And while lies perpetuate still amongst your circle of friends and colleagues about my psychotic bitchiness, friendships forged will only unravel the truths, layer by layers, shreds by shreds -

who ARE you?

Or rather, who are you trying to pretend? What are you trying to hide from?

Everyone has a past, or pasts, for that matter - you cower in that cob-webbed corner of yours, spun by the incessant layers of filthy half-truths (i dont deny i can be a bitch sometimes) or complete lies, hiding behind the thick books you pride yourself on having read before, covered loosely by the white curtain stained with tears.

I don't care about you anymore, neither should you - so please, grow up and stop blaming the whole world for your past regrets/mistakes/etc, and victimizing yourself.

I don't see how spreading rumours/truths that exist in your head to your friends or colleagues who don't even know me is going to make you seem a more acceptable or likeable person. Is this what they teach you in your profession - giving up your responsibilities or to the extent of character assassination?

Your colleagues/friends will not give a damn about what happened between us - in fact, they can't even be bothered about a name that they can't put a face to/ have not even spoken to - so why stoop so lowly?

Move on with your sweetly nectared life, and get a grip.

And remember, karma bites you back in the ass.

*calms down*

Those irritants aside, I have been trying to deal with the extra time on my hands - it's funny how you don't really know how to handle the precious amount of time you've been beggin' for.

Almost one week left, here's hoping that more will be accomplished and I will be ready for the next phase of my life.

And with that, it's time to catch some sleep - before I turn grouchier.

Joining the bed bugs,
Izzy

2010-05-04T01:04:00.002+08:00

To Pray...

Dear God,
if you can hear me,
could you take away the pain,
the bruises, the swollen-ness,
the disappointment, the memories,
the very remnants of haunting snippets
for my beloved grandma pls?

Dear God, if you can hear me -

could you -

unbreak this heart of mine?

Whhheeee!

2010-03-21T18:35:00.004+08:00

Credits to: Libraryman in Flickr

Yay!

Finally something to be happy about in these moments of darkness -

pb is in! (or at least, i know the amount for now...)

it's morrre than i expected, and i'm grateful for what i have :)

Now, for that yummy dslr..

Bad Day

2010-03-17T01:29:00.003+08:00

photo credits: http://www.hahastop.com/pictures/Bad_Hair_Day.htm

Bad Hair-y Day

You know you're having one of THOSE days,
when things go awesomely wrong-
when you finally manage to deposit your cash into your blaaaardy account, and realise that
on the day of the event, it's fully booked.
and it's your birthday somemore.

and you have already come up in your head of those awesomely gorgeous ideas,
that will go all awry.

Oh, and this added to the myriad of things flashing by you,
such as:
1. a kick-ass parrner (not talking about my boyfriend but my vendor)
2. a tumultaneous workstation that stares at you every mornign
3. unrelentless phonecalls from ppl u were unable to reach previously but now when u're bogged down with 1346776523247 things to do, they call
4. banks that call u and invite you oh-so-nicely to get their SPECIAL promotional card/insurance/insert-moolah-earning-commission-for-the-rude-telemarketeers-who-call-you but when you try to call them for emergencies, such as lost PIN or lost card, u get the nonchalent 'sorry, we're experiencing high call volume'
5. weird people who miss call you, but when u call back, they yell 'who are you? how did u get my number?'
6. absolutely fantastic condo management who doesn't understand the terms 'customer service'
7. and a poor bf who's nursing an illness and unable to listen to my rumbles (but cant blame him)

i'm so bitchy and tired of the random nonsensical things that like to spring oh-so-suddenly huge surprises on me.

spare me pls.

2010-03-16T00:38:00.003+08:00

credits to http://drf.teflonminne.se/2005/12/15/arets-tva-mest-efterblivna-amobor-har-utsetts/

Thanks to your overwhelming awesomeness and magnamity,
I'm absolutely humbled.

You should go piss off.

Make that all of you.

2010-03-09T23:57:00.004+08:00

image credits: www.davidbithell.com

Of Space and Liminality

Was rummaging through online pictures when I found this picture very inspiring.
Somehow, it seems to describe and depict how I feel inside.
Messy. Liminal. Yet Empty.

I see a mess and also an empty space in this picture. Probably describes things in my head too.

The past weeks have been so busy, and finally the Dance Competition for the under 13s kicked off last Saturday.
Somehow, seeing those cute and funky kids dance their way to the championship made EVERYTHING all worth it. I guess, as a goal-oriented person, this is extremely important to me.

I was really inspired by their energy and passion for life,
and started contemplating about life,
about how I was so driven by I-don't-know-what-kinda-force in uni, joining events and fulfilling all my interests.
and now i look at my life, i feel so shallow.

wakeup-gotowork-eatbreakfast-typepapers-gomeetings-eatlunch-typepapers-freshair-breatheforafewmoments-typepapers-gohome-playiphone-eatdinner-(insert stoning activity such as mahjong, texas hold'em, reading, writing, looking out the window with a roll of paper...)-sleep.

i started monday morning bright and chirpy...and it's wednesday, and it's gonna be down hill.

i'm exhausted, uninspired, unnerved, un... un... unsure.

what's life about? a mundane cycle?
it's eating me up.

oh yes, and of liminality.
of grey areas.
why do things always have to be black OR white?
can't they be black and white?
why must we ALWAYS know what we are doing?
why can't we just sit on our decisions and NOT feel bad?
why does life get SO complicated as the age shoots up exponentially?
why can't I just stop wondering about life?

Sometimes, I take lifts and as the lift more often than not opens at almost every other floor, before my floor,
I create and imagine the characters coming into the lift,
with their own life stories,
with their own preoccupations,
flaws, hiccups, weaknesses, soft spots.

And then I imagine ways to cheer them up (cos people always look so glum/uncomfortable when sharing the lift)

and then it's my turn to get out of the lift.

Understand my point?
No?
It's alright. Neither do I.

Grumpsie
Izzy

2010-02-17T21:44:00.002+08:00

www.picturesof.net/pages090324-15...2048.html

Ferociously Fast

The first few days of the lunar new year has just come and gone.
This year's festive season has lost its grandeur and mood, it has become so watered-down.

Is this part of growing up,
where the visiting relatives become more distant and the relatives haunt you with the same old questions?

This year's new year has only become simpler, with a mini gathering, a steam boat with family, hanging out and talking.

Maybe being a kid was so much easier and happier.

Purrry,
Izzy <3>

2010-02-12T00:57:00.004+08:00

Photo credits to: http://willthomasonline.wordpress.com/tag/churches

Spread thin like butter

You know how sometimes, you end work, and have not eaten for past 12 hours,

but you just end up collapsing on the bed, snuggling in the blanket and enjoying the air-con,

without feeling a single pang of hunger?

That's exactly how I feel now, and how I felt for the past few days.

It's been one hell of a week! Those cursed paperwork, high heels and non-stop computer screen staring.

How come work never gets done? After you put your focus on one task, and complete it after gobbling a sandwich (yucks) and having a super thick and concentrated tea, you find yourself drowning in 5 more assignments, targeted to be completed by next week?

I ended up this big grumpy grouch, perched in front of my computer, staring at files and websites, typing incessantly and quickly as if my life depended on it, and then, shit happens and you end up having to find the files, to fill up the gaps in your tasks, having to liaise with vendors, picking up phonecalls, dealing with last minute crap and before you know it, it's 8pm *gulps*

One ranting post, and I foresee many to come. I'd thought after the club campaign I completed in Dec, things would be a little less hectic (meaning, I no longer have to voluntarily work on Sat, Sun, afterwork, bring work home, sleep at 2am, type non-stop, have no time to even do things I like).

Apparently, life has its awesome surprises for us, and the next few months certainly don't look any rosier.

Dear God, if you can't make me less busy or tired, can you at least increase my salary?

At least, my cursed life has more monetary value than my educational investments.

P.S: Daniel said life's a slut. Why? Cos a bitch screws everyone but you, but a slut screws everyone, including you.

Succumbing to the heavy eyelids,

Izzy

2010-02-05T17:52:00.003+08:00

Credits to: www.flickr.com/photos/ualymerj

Til Death Do Us Part

I am in awe of a wedding blog that my primary school best friend created with her other half, chronicling the small bits before, during and after their solemnization.

The blog is filled with small sweet details of their photo shoot, their life after marriage (the first meal my friend cooked as a new bride/wife), their mini honey moons, how they met (yes, they even made a video at the secondary school they met), their ring choosing and customizing their rings. And most importantly, they continue to write this blog together, 4 months after they have ROM-ed.

They even count down to their next steps after their solemnization - that is, getting a flat, finding an auspicious Chinese wedding date.

It's really very sweet and heart warming, and I know she's in good hands with him.

To many others, marriage could probably be only a hassle or a once-in-a-lifetime experience of shopping for the most gorgeous heels and wedding dress, but somehow, from their blog, I know it's more than that.

It's the amount of significance they attribute to their pre-wedding preparations, on-going solemnization and post-solemnization life, that portrays the amount of commitment they have put in, to their shared lives, to the marriage until the end.

The blog's tagline reads "Falling in love is easy, staying in love is special." How sweet :) I can only agree, since being attracted to someone new (the entire courtship period for both) is definitely easier than making committed effort to stay together.

How many of us would remember the vows "Til Death Do Us Part" and stay true to them?

I've not been married yet (and probably am gonna stay that way for quite some time.. ) but this post hopefully will remind me that one day, the day comes, I will live true to the vow.

Misty-eyed,

Izzy

2010-02-04T02:00:00.002+08:00

Photo credits to http://www.bildfind.com/bilder_dead_any_any__378.html

Dead

This blog has been dead for quite some time,
and the tress has run dry of ideas and inspiration.
Will be doing up a revamp and get it going.

It's finally 2010, and I can't help but feel older and older.
Hitting the mid 20s soon *ouch, it hurts to hear the numbers*

Things that I have to accomplish before 26th birthday

1. Get a car!
It's been already almost 2 years since I've graduated and not even a scrap metal has landed on my hands. Sigh. So much so for wanting to drive and feel the breeze in my hair. But it looks like I have to make do with a very practical car. Or perhaps, someone would want to lend his Civic Type R for me to drive *wink wink* at the risk of murdering plants, animals and humans.

2. Go for further studies!
I'm honestly contemplating, deliberating, considering a Masters degree. In psychology, law or business. Call me an escapist from reality if you wish, but I really want to further my studies.

3. Start a business!
... though I have really no idea what to do. Compile all the comics that I've drawn into a book and as my love has suggested, publish them into a children's book? Hah.

4. Write a book/play
I never had the time to sit down at Starbucks and start writing scenes/chapters. What a pleasure it would be.

5. Go and see aurora lights!
Seems like I'm never gonna do that :(

6. Make enough money to buy a cat!
But there's no space for cats :(

I'd better stop now before my dreams get bigger and more ridiculous. Sigh.

Dreaming,
Izzy

2009-12-25T20:56:00.002+08:00

A Merry Christmas

Au Revoir et A Bientot! =)

2009-11-29T20:35:00.004+08:00

Running out of time

It gets really freaking frustrating when you take one step forward and end up taking two steps backwards.
Despite all the meticulous planning and overtime doing,
it all boils down to freaking nothing.

At the rate this is going, we're never ever going to make it.

Thank you for the indecisiveness and uncalled-for condescending tones.

2009-11-27T23:51:00.002+08:00

Courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/darkhairedgirl/2112355734/

Negativity is a real soul killer

Ever felt that your mood was sorely affected by the negativity of the others near you?
Apparently, it can happen.

Read an article on Cleo that mentions how we can catch the Angst Epidemic from friends near us, and that started me thinking.

It is certainly tough for us to keep chins up in times of adversity,
and harder still when people close to us are caving in.

The worse is to feel helpless when everything goes awry.

It's the end of the year, and the festive mood doesn't seem to be setting in.

=(

Such is life.

2009-11-15T00:04:00.001+08:00

picture from reellifewisdom.com

Older, but none the wiser.

2009-10-14T11:23:00.002+08:00

Misery loves company.

My lungs have officially joined my stomach and throat in this sweet enduring battle of illness, and I've been running fever non-stop.

It's God's way of telling me to stop...

2009-10-12T00:37:00.004+08:00

Credits: http://open.24.net/Gif/Good_Collection/Celestial.Exploring/Blessing.html

Blessings

Every time I count my blessings, I count both you and Su.

Su, being sensitive and introspective, can detect my mood within a split second.
You, being playful but patient and giving, can be my pillar of support.

Thank you for being the 2 very important Cancerians in my life. =)

Loved,
Belle

2009-10-06T21:31:00.000+08:00

'nuff said... Need a breather now...

Breathless,

Izzy

2009-09-29T22:53:00.003+08:00

Surprised

A very meaningful surprise I got from the playful bunny =)
I can't resist putting it up here.

Thank you dearie.
It is really very sweet.

Cheered up,
Izzy

2009-09-25T00:16:00.003+08:00

7 years

Dearest Daddy,

I never forget.

In fact, I find it so hard to forget.

24 September 2002, the day that one of your lungs collapsed.
It was also the day that you gave up breathing.

Maybe you didn't give up - maybe you had to - or maybe...
Maybe there are too many "maybes"...

It was the day I remember being so strong, holding onto Mummy while waiting for the rest of the sisters to arrive.
It was the day I remember collapsing in tears, once Mummy got a hold on herself.

It was the day I remember crying so hard that it was impossible to coax myself to sleep.

It was also the day I remember I never wanted to wake up after that to face the reality.

Nothing's been smooth since you left, Daddy.
It's been 7 years and you're still very much missed.

Love,

Belle

*Dedicated to my daddy who departed 24th September 2002 - in loving memory of his love for his littlest daughter*

2009-09-16T00:12:00.001+08:00

The passion

To live, the passion to feel
The passion to live

Eludes my eyes

2009-09-15T01:18:00.001+08:00

Created by OnePlusYou

2009-09-14T21:21:00.005+08:00

Photocredits: Kristine May on flickr

Sticking together

Finally!
We found one sunday afternoon and started re-doing his room.
[Read: not my cup of tea :) ]

Having said that, it really took a lot of perseverance and strength (literally) to dismantle the bed boards and rearrange many of the cupboards, and mopping and cleaning and scrapping...
amidst a lot of breaks with pepsi and thin rolls of paper...

I'm proud to say we never gave up and just kept on scrubbing and moving like nobody's business :)

Now the room is squeaky clean, much airier, more beautiful and so much more roomier and homelier :)

We also got an air purifier which makes the room so much better, so nice that we don't want to leave the comfort of the room...

Will upload the pictures once the flu bug stops harrassing me :)

Happy,
Izzy

2009-09-07T20:48:00.002+08:00

Contentment

Had the worst day ever today - everything that could go wrong all went wrong.

Even the simplest things could screw up.

Thank you for giving me countless hugs and assurances,

and organizing my favourite seafood dinner,

and sitting down with me to listen, and not simply hear.

You drove all the headeggs and grumpy monsters away.

Loved,

Izzy

2009-09-06T23:52:00.003+08:00

Freedom

The freedom to fly
Bound by unfettered chains

The freedom to love
Convinced by unbinding contracts

The freedom to live
Enshrined in the temporal impermanence

The freedom to see
Tainted by the spilled palette of colours

The freedom to be
Protected by your love for me.

Woozy,
Izzy

2009-09-01T22:12:00.003+08:00

Gastroenteritis

Au revoir, throat inflammation;
Welcome gastroenteritis!

My dear body has become a favourite breeding ground for these damned germs;
clutching my tummy throughout the day is a hellish activity,
with all the mad rush in the office and meetings...

And now dearie has also caught a fever and flu...
Illnesses love company, don't they?

We're like two sick kittens, wrapped in blankets, shivering,
while Tiger stares at us with his huge eyes and makes us feel bad about not being able to walk him.
=(

Shivers and wriggles,
Izzy

2009-09-01T00:01:00.003+08:00

Dearest Daniel

Thank you for loving me, like I'm yours. =) No, wait, I'm yours.

Every night, you never fail to walk me around the estate, no matter how tired you are.

Even when you are broke, you'd rather spend money on me than see me starve or have no fishy toy =)

Even if I am naughty sometimes and make you hug me countless times before you sleep,

I know you will always always love me!

Okay, I admit sometimes I act cute so that you won't be angry with me for long,

so I shake my butt when I walk down the streets and chase after cats,

but you know what,

you're the best owner and I'm so blessed to have someone like you to love me so much!

<3

Woofs and wurves,
Tiger

2009-08-31T23:49:00.002+08:00

The only constant thing in Man is change

It amazes me how a small little accident can bring about such a drastic positive change in her life.
It unfazes me to learn how an innocent remark can bring out scathing revelations about him.

Change - being constant - seems to remind us of our own mortality,
and to carpe diem,
since nothing is permanent and everything temporally exists.

To let it take you down or bring you up,
is entirely a choice of yours.

Sleepy,
Izzy

2009-08-31T22:33:00.001+08:00

Fur rug

How to resist hugging my favourite boy?
=)

loved,
izzy

2009-08-30T17:41:00.004+08:00

Lazy weekend

Finally, the weekend is here, having scurried through an excruciatingly busy week.

Weekends are always welcomed, especially during rainy seasons.

This weekend was spent with a night-over, listening to ghost stories, discussing about tarot cards and laughing our hearts out over beer.

Last night, we even spent a lazy night just building ridiculously insane roller coasters on Roller Coaster Tycoon 2.

Aptly named "The Last Ride", the ride ends with no platform but a sudden drop that lands all the passengers in the middle of the platform with a huge explosion and fire works to celebrate this finale ride.

See what three stressed out people can do?

An overdue picture from my birthday - thank you for everything.

Everything will smoothen out okay? We'll wait for the next weekend to come =)

Cheered up,
Izzy

2009-08-27T22:31:00.004+08:00

Credits: M Kort

What if...

your future lays crystal clear in your hand?

you could see your path distinctly indicated for you?

you knew that this was dictated in the stars above you?

you hear the calling for you to steer away from your current path?

you discovered that this would not be permanent?

Would you walk away or resist and fight against your destiny?

Or so, the soothsayer says... now, to resist fate or to allow the seemingly inevitable to occur?

The temporal impermanence of life - such is the destiny.

Would you run away and hide?

or would you be stubborn and believe you still have a say?

I would stay on and fight it heads on.

Because at the end of the day,

until the seemingly inevitable happens,

I still have a chance.

And I am not going to give up.

Mulling,

Izzy

2009-08-25T23:18:00.002+08:00

My Love

This is Tiger, the much loved mongrel we are taking care of.
He loves shaking his paws with us, evident from the picture above and
he has beautiful tiger stripes.
Therefore, the name "Tiger" has stuck comfortably.

He doesn't like strangers, cars, prams, basement carparks, noises, knocking.
He seldom barks and loves affection.

Every night he needs to be hugged to sleep.
I'd snuggle up to him, kiss his foreheaad (if that's what you call it)
and stroke his nose.

He's gorgeous.

This is my love =)

Wuffles,
Izzy

2009-08-24T23:23:00.002+08:00

The raucous cacophony
grinds its razors across the tympanic membrane
slices the flimsy husk
scrapes the remnant sinews
shreds into strips of rubble

disparaging derision dissolved into diminished delusion

2009-08-24T23:08:00.003+08:00

Be careful of what you wish for...

... in case you rub the genie's lamp the wrong way.

Ask, and you shall receive.

Answers, indeed, sought
yet questions abound.

A dead end, with no light in sight,
or a self-fulfilling prophecy, giving up without a fight?

The devil and the hangman
towards the mystic they tend

A heart spoked with arrows
split at the end with sorrows

The wheel of fortune
anticipates the winds of change
relishing before gone too soon
offering a fork in the road
the comfort zone or a toss of the load.

Devilish death of a wandering mind.

Enlightened,
Izzy

2009-08-18T00:30:00.003+08:00

Pencil shreds

Like a pencil sharpener,

you grate me, train me, tease me

in the hope of sharpening me...

Instead, i lose weight

in the incessant pressure of your razor sharp teeth

in fact i thin out, faster than ever,

lying in a debris with the other failed competitors.

Flattened, abandoned, forgotten,

i am just one of the many colourful pencil shreddings

that form part of your decoration and become your decorum.

The constant pulverizing, mincing, razing

leaves me no space to catch my breath amidst

your caustic and jagged fangs of rusty pearly-whites.

Thinning out,

izzy

2009-08-16T23:43:00.004+08:00

When the going gets a little too tough...

The tough take a little rest before they embark further on the journey.

Someone once told me,

There's a time for work and there's a time for play.

When we've worked enough we should always take a rest.

It's good for our eyes, our body and it's good for our work.

Afterall,

休息是為了走更長遠的路.

For all the work weary souls out there, including myself
hang in there.

It will all work out, all in good time.

Sleepy,
Izzy

2009-08-13T22:46:00.008+08:00

Life's little surprises

Life likes to play funny jokes on us, especially when we least expect it.

I realise the current job I am holding is something I applied for when I was in 3rd year in NUS. And at that point of time, I hadn't thought of doing an additional Honours year -

I was only contemplating what to do with my life but somehow, I decided to take on honours and just bumped my way along the 4th year.

After which, I applied for a graduate scheme in an airline company, following by a short editing stint. Then I realised those weren't me.

When I decided to tidy up my life, there was an opening in the main agency that I was keen on.

However, not armed with a Psychology degree but instead a Sociology one, I was offered other options in the other arms of the main agency.

And at that point of time during the second interview, I learned of the opening of my current position - which I was keen on. I took it on, and here I am,

Yet, it is strange it never rang a bell.

And here I am, in a full circle right from where I began.

x x x x x x x x x x x

Similarly, Dan's the man I met a couple of years ago, in an uncanny situation where I was visiting my ex boyfriend (who happens to be Dan's good friend) in a hospital. Our eyes met briefly but it all ended there.

Fast forward 4 years, we had an unexpected and unplanned encounter, this time with my ex boyfriend organizing a gathering, on a July evening.

And somehow, things bumped and collided and worked itself out.

And ironically, it was only during our first few meetings that I mentioned to Dan that he really looked familiar from a 4-year-ago encounter.

And there we were, realizing that we had met years ago.

Moral of the story: If you are meant to be, you are meant to be.

If you are meant to meet, there's no running away from it.

That's cos life brings you back to a full circle - unexpected, unplanned, unknowingly-

and while we never know what what's up for us in the future (distant or far), the best we can do is cherish what we have, be it our careers, our loved ones, our families, our life.

Spooked,

Izzy

2009-08-13T22:27:00.002+08:00

Losing to Win

Sometimes I really wonder what it means to win.

Does it mean that the result brings about a triumphant ending?
Or could winning actually mean... not losing as much as anticipated in the end?

Does winning necessitate a happy fairytale ending for all?
Or could it be a win-win situation, where everyone backs down and takes back a piece of shattered soul but moves on to greater happiness?

Are we too fixated with the notion of winning this race,
that we can't see that by trying so hard to win,
we are the biggest losers in the end?

Or, maybe winning is not everything, eventually.
It is knowing when to say no.

2009-07-04T02:30:00.002+08:00

Qu'est-ce qui s'est passe -

Quoi?

Quand?

Le temps est...

Ou?

La lieu, elle est...

Plus importante?

Jamais

Mais...

On ne sait pas.

Rien.

2009-06-08T19:09:00.004+08:00

source: http://designflute.files.wordpress.com

Happiness

When people told you that it's the process, not the end that matters in life,

they were right.

Happiness is a long destination to arrive at,

and for some, they are never ever at peace.

=) After a series of smoke smouldering, beer guzzling, eye watering events across tremendous months,

somewhere along the way,

I finally finally found closure and happiness.

And it makes me laugh that I didn't see it sooner,

Laughing at how heinous copies of words can be transferred, almost like photocopies,

It makes me laugh that I was so caught up with what I wanted to see and feel,

Laughing at how I spent my life sitting on the same damn spot trying to mend the cracks,

It makes me grow stronger

Growing stronger when the path I walked led me to a dead end

and I learned that fixation and obsession of holding on to a lifeless past only made us blind to newly opened doors.

I laugh at how silly you are,

and how dumb I am and were -

and perhaps shall be.

Your myriad of emotions,

my foolishness,

your free flowing love,

my short sightedness,

your tender words,

my soft heart,

your sweetened lips,

my indecisiveness.

Love could be transferred like in an airport terminal

It makes the transit for you perhaps easier.

The smouldering words don't leave blazened marks on me

Instead the joke is on you

I opened a can of sweetened words

which wriggled out like mushy dirty worms.

The momentary softheartedness that set me in

Not something you shall ever be able to seek in devastated eyes.

After all the rain, the eyes see clearer now.

I am finally free.

From a rusty broken lock that shut the dungeon and forced the daylight out from the heart.

Thank you for setting me free.

2009-05-27T20:53:00.002+08:00

Happy (but tired) Feet

My soles are crying for help from the day long tottering about in killer heels.

And I guess I'm solely responsible. (couldn't resist the pun)

Work just ended and it's been a mad mad rush for 12 whole hours.

Just got back after ending at 8pm.

Nonetheless, though I am too tired to eat dinner everyday, I find meaning in my work.

Seems like what a sociologist aims to find in life - meaning. =)

I'm finally happy, after a long time.

Maxed out,
Izzy

Poem from the past

2009-05-12T01:02:00.003+08:00

Was thinking about when I started writing poems and all...
It appears that I'm often, if not always, inspired by my tangential thoughts and emotions...
This was the poem I wrote during Lit class in PJC,
and we were asked to display it on the wall.

I wrote it with a purpose then - because it reflected how pure and simple love could have been,
back in 2002.
One of the poems I really like: it is very simple yet, it explains my point above.

This was for the first guy I met during orientation in JC -
also the one that has many stuff that haunts me until now.
Sleeping dogs they shall be,
but always a part of me.

A Love Poem

The first time their eyes met
Fingers shyly touch; they never linger
Hand on her shoulder for a while, never longer
Awkward silence - nothing more than that.

A wobbly finger reaches out - Message sent
She pauses, she waits
She just anticipates
A friendly reply greets her - A new friend!

Conversations at the bus stop never ceased
A rainbow spotted one beautiful evening
Both of them sat side by side, lazing
Even when several buses they missed.

Second of February Two Thousand and Two
She handed him the blue heart pendent
Also meant for his birthday present
Finally together from Two-oh-two

Untidy doodlings on lecture notes,
Hard-to-understand Math theories,
Giving up halfway nearly
Strength comes along with his white coat.

Heart beating, faster every minute
At the bus stop for the last time.
He holds her back, and gives her warmth
Together, never again to be.

2009-05-07T11:21:00.004+08:00

Tarot reading for belle:

Love:
Touchstone: Career: Love: The Pope
Touchstone: Death
Career: The Empress

This is a day of truth, dear belle…

Doubts and long-hidden conflicts are coming to the surface, and you want to dispel them, and see the clearly where you stand. If you are in a committed relationship it is unlikely you’ll be able to escape a critical analysis. So you might as well address the big questions and get them out of the way. If you’re single, you’re not going to feel good about it today.

But may be that is a necessary starting to point for you to realize that you need to start seeing your friends a bit more – and maybe make a few new ones.

As for work, there may be a few changes in the way you approach this. You may be about to change jobs or colleagues, reorganize your schedule, transfer to another department, get promoted, absolutely anything is possible when Death is holding the reins!

Luckily, the Empress will be there to guide you all day and she'll help you handle these changes with detachment and skill.

Wandering,
Izzy

2009-05-04T23:08:00.002+08:00

Hope

Damn right that without hope, it's hard to go on in life when things go awry.

But perhaps that person who came up with the saying didn't think hard enough.

With more hope, the higher the expectations and
the harder the fall.

Hope is indeed for the hopeless.

2009-05-03T01:31:00.005+08:00

Misery comes in pairs...

... or maybe even in batches...

Sometimes I think that the world is a pretty depressing place.

The economic crisis aptly named the Great Recession, worse since 1920s Great Depression;

The global warming that saw the ice bridge melt,

The perpetual mad weather that flits from hot uncomfortable heat to pouring wet days;

And now,

the swine flu, or rather now known as the H1N1 virus, that's causing people to panic worldwide.

Now, it's known to have infected Italy, UK, Germany, N. Korea, Hong Kong, New Zealand...

It's almost as if the world is not depressing enough.

On another note, Dan and I took his company's dog to the vet as it was limping badly.

The vet diagnosed it as bite wounds (thankfully, no broken bones) and the leg was shaven, cleaned and cream was applied on it.

The brave dog, Tiger, even took the injection without any whining.

It's indeed the most adorable dog ever as it does not even bark and it's very obedient.

The only time it resisted was when it had the stinging cream applied on it.

I couldn't help but tears fell when I saw it limping when we took it for a walk at midnight just now,

it's very heartbreaking to see a dog in pain.

Here's hoping that the world gets a little better.

It's sure not encouraging to read depressing news everyday.

2009-04-25T23:25:00.004+08:00

iLost my iPhone - An Eulogy

Goodbye my friend.

Thank you for being with me, weathering through it all,
(Literally, because you always provided me with weather forecasts of cities all over the world.)

For bearing with my garbled fumbled incoherent typings amidst pints of beers,
For being music to my ears with the latest library of iTunes
For waking me up on mornings, though I didn't really want to.
For days that you snapped beautiful rainbows and my escapade to Manchester
For being the good old, trusty you.

Lost,
Izzy

Looks like my birthday present to myself shall be a new phone. =(

2009-04-24T09:35:00.003+08:00

A very poignant and soothing song about getting the closure that people want in relationships. Click on the youtube video and read the lyrics - and you'll get what I mean.

You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances
Everytime and all you do is let me down

And it's taken me this long
Baby but I've figured you out
And you thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

*You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't want to hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry
No, no, no, no*

Looking so innocent I might believe you
If I didn't know
Could have loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting
In the cold

And you've got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
'Cause it's worked each time before

*But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't want to hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry
No, no, oh

You're not sorry No, no, oh*

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would have gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

*So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry
No, no, oh
You're not sorry

2009-04-22T21:57:00.009+08:00

Pass It On

It was one of the many semesters,
but this time, she felt, it was different.

Maybe it was because she was back from United Kingdom, for a couple of months already now.

Maybe not that, she thought.
It must be the fact that she was a fourth-year student sitting in this new yet strangely familiar place, on the benches and just enjoying the excitement that was growing inside her.

Fourth-year student.
Honours student, she smiled.
How she liked the sound of those two words.
It made her feel old - yet young since she was beginning a brand new start.

Apprehensive, certainly.
She had taken up the honours year, because she didn't know what she wanted to do.
But she reminded herself that she had to work really hard this year, because she had to - certainly had to - attain that second upper honours degree.

This was the thing about her - she was simply stubborn.
Some call it steadfast, determined, goal-oriented;
she knew she was stubborn.
When she wanted to get something, she'd never lose sight of it.

She glanced around the smokey dungeon - a place that would eventually become her home for the next year and a half, she just didn't know - and she saw that her boyfriend was speaking to a man who looked rather out-of-place and lost.
She overheard their conversation about Sociology - her field of major - and her interest was roused immediately.

She reminded herself that when she was on exchange, she'd hoped that people would be warmer to her.
So she nudged her boyfriend and asked him to make a brief intro so as to make the man a bit more at home.

And then she realized that he was a post-doc fellow in the department and she sheepishly smiled at her boyfriend.
The man sure didn't need any orientation to her university - he'd studied here years ago.

Learning the man's abbreviated name, she laughed at herself for being so silly.

And then her days came and passed, while she struggled with a few theories here and there.
A few encounters with the man, affectionately known as KJ to them in the end, prompted her to ask questions about the Masters programme.

The question now was: was she even qualified intellectually to apply for Masters?

She spent the days in French classes, allowing her imagination to run wild about being an academia.
Dreams were pretty much free, and she could just see herself, perhaps writing a book about a theory of -

KJ's msn message came.
Out of the blue, he had explained that the calibre of Honours student was rather high and that with her present standard, she'd have to work doubly hard to apply for the programme.

She was almost in tears.
She felt judged, that her dreams had been brought crashing to the ground - even though it was perhaps a flitting thought of doing Masters that flirted with her imagination.

Of course, she didn't forget to blog about how she could say goodbye to Masters.
Her blog was her playground for venting her confused thoughts, her innermost emotions and
her past.

Days came and passed, until one day she was waylaid by KJ.
He had read her blog and reassured her that he was not implying that she was not adequate enough.
He had just wanted to consider the competition and prepare herself for the challenges ahead.

Fair enough, she thought.
He offered his guidance through theories that she struggled in and spoke to her more about the programme.

Mornings came and passed when the friendship between them got stronger and stronger.
A little sharing information about current affairs,
a nugget of Weber and Marx,
a chest full of life experiences,
amidst lit rolls of papers in the smokey dungeon.

He began to mentor her more and more intensively,
never plain feeding her with information but providing sign posts.

She was always a little slow, but she appreciated this effort to know her, her learning style and her aspirations.
It made her feel that people did indeed care, despite her mediocre grades and background.

The first semester of her Honours ended and she had scored a cap of 4.8 out of 5.0 for the semester.
The first person she exclaimed this was to KJ and she knew he was proud of her, with eyes gleaming with pride.

Her 4 Sociology modules had gotten A+,A,A- and B+.
It was a feat to her and the best semester ever.

She knew the credits was to him as he had made the effort to drop by the dungeon, where she had piles of notes and books, in the mornings, in between tea breaks and before he left for home.
A conscientious academic, she knew that he had better things to do than listen to her blabble gibberish and having panic attacks during critical phases, such as her exams.

One particular incident would always be remembered because he actually came back to the dungeon after 7pm to revise her theories with her. Without her asking to.

But always the person to put her feet on the ground and let her stay focused and grounded, he reminded her:

"While I'm proud of you, you must continue to stay focused. You must drop French."

She was crushed. She loved French and she knew that it was additional burden.
But surely, she could do something that she excelled in.

She was also devastated that she was unable to do her Honours thesis. She had wanted to own a mini book of her work but her other professor had warned that she would compromise 3 grades if she started on her thesis in the 2nd semester. Sure, she had qualified but she was way behind time.

That cut deeper. It was because she had qualified and yet was discouraged.

Being the rational mentor, he tried to bring reason to her that she should focus on doing an ISM (independent study module, a mini-er version of a thesis).
She was quickly (but not easily) pacified with his rationale.

And so the 2nd semester (also the last one) began.
It was a hell-ride.

With so much margin for failure (her cap was slightly 0.01 above the requirements for 2nd upper honours), she stressed herself out entirely.
And that meant being grouchy, grumpy, edgy, touchy, irritable.

So she was back in the dungeon again, spending sleepy and sleepless nights on the benches with her boyfriend, rushing papers, doing readers, contemplating about life and -
of course playing Facebook's applications (namely, Pirates).

About 2 weeks before her ISM was due, KJ took a walk down the steps to the carpark with her (to avoid the nasty security guards) as she ranted about her theories and how she was supposed to make them flow with the case studies. And then he asked -

"Speaking of case studies, how many do you have?"

She grinned proudly, "Two!"
And she saw his knees almost collapsing and him almost falling off the steps.

"Two?!?!"
And he shook his head and grumbled about it the whole afternoon. And of course, the days to come, whereby this became the butt of her joke.

On the day of her boyfriend's birthday, she planned a mini surprise party for him and invited KJ along.

However, she sensed something amiss.
KJ's face looked stricken with pain.

His mentor, who had taught him the concept of "Pass It On", had passed away, having been a fighter and source of inspiration for him.

She sat there quietly, the talkative her not quite knowing what to say.
She listened intently again about his mentor's strength and his feelings(or how little he showed it).

Pass It On was simple.
She had asked him how she could ever repay his mentoring, time and effort.
He said "Pass It On", to pass on whatever knowledge she could to the next batch of people who would benefit.
And that was the way she would repay him.

This philosophy, simple yet poignant, remained in her heart, until today and will certainly follow to her grave.

Labour day came and she had another examination due the next day.
Despite his exclaimed grumpiness about working on a public holiday, he appeared in the dungeon (where she always was) and explained the concepts to her meticulously.

Throughout this time, she always felt stupid - that she always took longer than others to understand theories, that she could never focus and read her readings as her thoughts would be drawn away and even when she was focusing, she would never really understand. Was her mind just barren or was she not cut out for this academia thing?

Exams ceased and she was terrifically enthusiastic as she was about to embark on a graduation trip with her boyfriend.
Her "other half", as KJ would tease and she would indignantly retort back that she had her own identity, whenever KJ asked where her other half was.

And so Milan, Florence, Pisa, Naples, Rome, Berlin, Barcelona, London, Marseilles, Nice and finally Paris.

It was at Nice that her results were released and she'd gotten 3.99 out of 5.00, falling short of 0.01 from her second uppers.
Once again, fallen from heavens.

She dropped an email to KJ, to inform him as he was on a conference overseas.
She was resigned to fate.
It was a year long of mind games with Fate.

Reaching Singapore on 3 June 2008, she realized that after marking a module as a satisfactory pass, she had attained 4.01.
Her heart pumped as she called KJ and told him about the good news.

And once again, he was proud that she had triumphed against all odds and made what appeared impossible possible.

She and her other half then decided to visit the school on a good Monday morning, 6 days after their arrival in Singapore, on his motorcycle at approximately 7.15 am.

A technical defect occured and they both lay bloodied on the tarmac road of PIE.
The tyre had deflated, and they were swerved from the 1st lane to the 4th.

And there they lay. At the road shoulder where other cars drove and buzzed by.

Her fingers trembled as she called KJ and told him about the accident.

Before long, her boyfriend and she were nursed at the other half's place, where the both of them spent the days hobbling - or more appropriately hopping awkwardly - around as they were heavily bandaged.

KJ called and visited one day, with two bag fulls of nutritional supplements and her very important reinforcements of vices - he knew she'd absolutely be in misery should she be deprived of even the smallest things that made her contented, after the horrid accident.

Two weeks later, they were able to walk abit better and made it down to school in one piece to visit KJ.
Unbeknownst to KJ, the couple had been having a bad cold war.
Walking together to the bus interchange, the 3 exchanged goodbyes, what would be the last united farewell KJ would see the couple give.

The next morning, KJ received a call from a trembling voice and heard a small squeaky voice.

Everything had ended.

She came down, dazed and loss of appetite and sleep.
Sitting at the dungeon, she stared into mid-air - unable to accept reality and unable to leave this place that she had shared.

She stopped eating and KJ stared at her resignedly, when she pointed at a hardly-touched plate of rice and explained that she was very full already.

KJ spent his mornings and afternoons with her, putting her head right onto her shoulder and reminding her the importance of being calm.
He had shown her the positive side- that she was due to start work in a prestigious company the next week and he would be very proud of her.

Her intimidating week started, in an airline industry this time.
She was crushed - every working moment reminded her of him as they had spent endless times travelling.
Her lunch break was spent speaking to KJ, trying to calm herself down amidst a very big company and a culture shock.

Saturdays were spent in the dungeon, deliberating and contemplating about life.
Despite KJ's coaxing, she always counted down to the number of saturdays that they had been separated...

... And then, one day, she stopped counting.
She stopped sitting in the dungeon crying.
She knew that would break everyone's heart, including that of KJ, as people loved her and hated to see the sparkle lost in her eyes.

Her life was very hectic and she was forced to move on, unknowingly to her.. but not for long.

Another crisis had hit and she knew it was time for a change.

Another upheaval, another uncertainty.

She always sought KJ's opinion on life, career, relationships.
Maybe it was half-fear, half-respect for a man, who had inspired her so much.

Whenever she fell, he would inspire her and say,

"At least you fell and landed on your feet, instead of your knees. It's a very encouraging start!"

and of course,

"Belle... when you have downs, you have your ups... you can't stay unlucky for so long..."

And today, she had to tell him the fresh piece of news and this was what she received:

"You are a big girl or young lady. Take good care of yourself.
Remember that I only want you to be happy for the rest of your life."

x x x x x x x x x

Man of few words, so little said but so much felt.

It means the world to me.

Thank you for being a father/brother figure to me.

I'll remember how traumatized you were, when the people at the fair thought I was your daughter and tried to sell you convocation photo packages and you had retorted,
"If she were my daughter, I'd strangle her already!"

I know I never told you,
but I would be honoured to be your daughter.

Thank you KJ.

I'll remember to pass it on. =)

2009-04-21T23:17:00.002+08:00

Crash and burn

Burnt out...
Tired out...
Crashed out...

I feel like my feet are not mine anymore...
I think my mind has stopped thinking... (the irony of this sentence... )
I sense nothing anymore...

I need a breather...

But at least I know when you crash and burn,
you're not alone...

Zonked out,
Izzy

2009-04-20T00:44:00.003+08:00

La Lumiere

First bday cake in ages - something very simple, yet very sweet.
=)

It's the effort that counts, remember?

Thank you for remembering, it means the world to me.
=)

Cheered up,
Izzy

2009-04-17T00:28:00.003+08:00

Enlightenment

There are a thousand reasons to leave -

But one reason is good enough to let her stay.

2009-04-14T23:51:00.002+08:00

More than words

I don't know what else to say or how to say it.

I just hope you understand when you read this.

I'm sorry I hurt you so deep.

2009-04-10T16:12:00.005+08:00

Confessions of a Chef-aholic

Seeing that it's a Friday and it's a holiday,
(Fridays that do not require work are always welcomed as good fridays)
we decided to make breakfast at home!

Regrettably, as we have had too much prata wraps the past few days,
I had to think real hard to cook something different today.

The picture above is my own concoction of mashed potato and mushroom sauce.
(The sauce was too ugly to post online :/ )
Being my first time preparing mashed potato (i have this vehement hatred of eating potato),
I never knew it was so much work!
I tried to be impromptu, and decided on ways to prepare the mashed potato.

I peeled it with a knife (because I couldn't find a freaking peeler)
and boiled it like forever,
and after which I mashed it.
Sounds easy but because the kitchen was so stuffy,
it was hard work.

Unfortunately, my own concoction of the mushroom sauce didn't work terribly well.
I couldn't find barbecue sauce so I got a bottle of steak sauce (I thought it'd probably be the same),
and I added some other marinate sauce, and with salt and pepper.
It turned out rather watery and sour (!!!).
It was quite a disappointment - but I liked the mashed potato on its own.
Oh well, always a first time for everything.

Scrambled eggs

This is my favourite dish that I like to eat and cook - mainly because I know it'd turn out delicious =) I always like to add a few dashes of oyster sauce and wine and salt. But apparently, the addition of milk makes it sweeter. Which ever tickles your pickles =)

Depending on different tastes, it can be prepared semi cooked or fully cooked. Me thinks it's yummy =)

Toasted bread (Dizzy)

Okay, while this looks innocently simple to make,
I beg to differ.
It's hard chore for a lazy bum like me.
First, the bread has to be cut into heart shapes with a knife,
subsequently added with cheese sausages, honey-baked ham, mayonnaise sauce, and mozarella cheese.
Into the toaster which will turn the bread golden brown.
=)

One thing about cooking these dishes at the same time is that one needs co-ordination and multi-tasking.
I think I can do better, in order to ensure the dishes are warm and delicious at the same time, ready to serve.

Maybe, just maybe, I am just planning my foray into my cooking career when I have my cafe next time =)

I hope you had a fantastic breakfast to kickstart the weekend =)

Scrambled,
Izzy

2009-04-08T00:49:00.009+08:00

Never a Right Time to Say Goodbye

Chris Brown's lyrics had never been more apt, minus the ongoing furore about him and Rihanna.

I found this song's lyrics deeply meaningful and I guess what Bev told me rings true -

That we can never have the ending we wish for.
No break ups or endings will end up the nice way we hope it will, especially when we are at the receiving end.

This lyric is penned from the male's perspective, when the relationship is no longer working out anymore and unfortunately, someone has to be the "bad guy" and open his/her mouth and spout the hurtful and undesired line.

And you know what? It strikes me that there's never a really right time to say goodbye.

So, sometimes it's not really the guy's fault when they say goodbye.

Someone's gotta do the dirty job.

Maybe there's indeed some truth to "it's not you, it's me girl".

So cheer up girl, everything will straighten out. I'm here.

*hugs*

Say goodbye - Chris Brown

Baby come here and sit down, let's talk

I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by

Saying that I love you,

But you know, this thing ain't been

No walk in the park for us

I swear it'll only take a minute

You'll understand when I finish, yeah

And I don't wanna see you cry

But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so

[HOOK]How do you let it go?

When you, You just don't know?

What's on, The other side of the door

When you're walking out, talk about it

Everything I tried to remember to say

Just went out my head

So I'll do the best I can to get you to understand

[CHORUS]There's never a right time to say goodbye

But I gotta make the first move

'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me

Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you

Girl it's not you, it's me I gotta gotta figure out what I need

There's never a right time to say goodbye

But we know that we gotta go

Our separate ways

And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,

And it's killing me

Cause there's never a right time

Right time to say goodbye

But now your heart is breaking

And a thousand times I

Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"Why am I taking so long to say this?

But trust me, girl I never

Meant to crush your world

And I never thought I would see the day we grew apart

And I wanna know

[HOOK]How do you let it go?

When you, you just don't know? What's on,

The other side of the door

When you're walking out, talk about it

Everything I tried to remember to say

Just went out my head

So I'll do the best I can to get you to understand

[CHORUS]There's never a right time to say goodbye

But I gotta make the first move

'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me

Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you

Girl it's not you, it's me

I gotta gotta figure out what I need

There's never a right time to say goodbye

But we know that we gotta go

Our separate ways

And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,

And it's killing me

Cause there's never a right time

Right time to say goodbye

2009-04-08T00:27:00.003+08:00

Mega treat

Another round of cooking tonight.
And I made sure I bought a new packet of mozarella cheese today.

Okay, so the picture does not look that sumptuous but it is really yummy.
Ingredients include:
1. Cheese sausages
2. Honey baked ham
3. Semi cooked scrambled egg with a little of izzy's secret seasoning
4. Mozarella cheese
5. Mayonnaise sause
6. Prata skin

Toasted to perfection, the wrap is crisp and warm,
with cheese oozing into the mouth,
as well as the sweetness of the ham and sausages
coupled with the runny egg and a dash of mayonnaise sauce.

Good to serve =)

Burps,

Izzy

2009-04-07T18:01:00.003+08:00

Happiness

Twinkling in the eyes,
Warmth in the heart,
Felt in the spirit.
=)

I'm very, very, very blessed.
Thank you :)

Cheerios,
Izzy

2009-04-06T22:38:00.004+08:00

Knifing down the details

After like 4 years of hiatus, I finally picked up the wooden spatula and started cooking again.

At least, recently, I've been cooking quite a lot.

I do enjoy cooking, but I always think it's a chore - the washing up and all.

I don't like cooking unless it's for special occasions because it means a lot to me to make an effort to prepare the ingredients, down to its every detail.

Today, I made something again, despite having a very tiring day at work.
My favourite dish from Gone Fishing - nothing simple, nothing spectacular,

But tastes awesome still the same. =)

Unfortunately, the cheese was stale, so one flour piece wasted.

But I guess all turned well, with a nice warm hot and sour soup to down the food =)

Anything to chase away the blues for you, yup?

Yummish,

Izzy

2009-04-05T13:57:00.004+08:00

A wakening.

Woke up on a bright Sunday morning, with lots of reflections whirling in my head.
Seems like I have been asleep for far too long.

It's almost like I have separate compartments, flagged with Post-it notes,
and my brain inconspicuously attempting to shove them deeper and deeper into the "Archived" sections.
I believe some matters are tucked into the "Let's pretend these issues are not there, maybe she'll forget" section.

Hence, woke up with this nagging feeling that certain matters were not exactly put right, with my friends' constant reminders that I need not settle for the most basic requirements and that I ought to have "higher than rock-bottom expectations".

It's weird how these things don't usually surface when I'm fully conscious and going about my usual stuff.

It's disturbing to know how humans are good at repression, suppressing all the awful and hard to make decisions,
And the day they surface,
it appears like we've been in deep sleep, for the longest time.

At least that's how I feel.

In the labyrinths of life,
where there are unseen and sudden twists and turns,
it feels like I'm being swept about by these phases of life,
whereby decisions are only made then and there,
with fingers crossed that things would ultimately work out.

It dawns on me that it shouldn't be this way.

I guess at the end of the day, we all need to have a sense of control -
maybe we can't control where our life is going to be heading,
but surely, at least... we should be able to control how it is going to be.

In a confident, self-assured manner that everything, no matter how unforeseen and unexpected (and sometimes undesired), would turn out well
or with a "que sera sera, what will be, will be" attitude and only deciding when the key point of time arrives and hopefully hoping that such a day won't come.

Or maybe self-reflection is loaded with so much tangential thoughts and thus explaining my gibberish and complicated writings.
But I have finally come to a few conclusions.

1. I deserve much better, and not the very least whereby things merely touch my basic expectations.
2. Goals are merely d-r-e-a-m-s unless they are planned.
3. I don't need to answer to anyone for my life and how I plan it to be.
4. Being soft-hearted doesn't ensure that you don't get hurt in the end.
5. While we all can be as accomodating as possible and understanding, at the end of the day, we are all left to face the music ourselves.

Pretty heavy thoughts for the last day of the weekend.
Perhaps some breakfast can provide more insights.

But at least, thankfully,
I feel like I'm a lot lighter.
My brain, at least.

Pondering,
Izzy

2009-04-04T23:06:00.027+08:00

The Return of the Travelling Bug(s)

I think it's the time of the year.
Or maybe I ought to find a career that allows me to travel extensively.

(fat hope)

I shall list down the top 5 places I am hoping to go by this year (even if I can only make it for one.)

#5. Maldives

The clear azure waters just make me want to dive in and swim - it's so inviting!

A popular tourist site located at southwest of India and considered as part of Southern Asia, the Maldives are tropical, with plenty of sunshine.

It should be quite clear that this is a perfect place to scuba-dive. but it can be pretty quite expensive.

Price aside, this place is pretty alluring nonetheless. =)

#4. Bordeaux, South West France

A port city and the 7th largest cosmopolitan area in France, it has 116,160 hectares of vineyards.

I've never seen a vine yard in my entire life, except for the one in Perth in 2005 which I have very little recollections of it anymore.

This is probably what one will see in the vineyards of Bordeaux - such a pretty sight.

Rue Sainte-Catherine, located in the heart of Bordeaux, has 1.2 km of a shopping street, making it the longest shopping street in Europe.

The Pont de Pierre is just as pretty as St Charles bridge in Prague.

Fancy a little romantic walk down the bridge, just when the sun is setting?

Sounds awesome to me. =)

#3. Mont Blanc, France

This mountainous beauty is the highest mountain in the Alps and often known as "La Dame Blanche" (the white lady).

I think I shall let the awe-inspiring pictures do the talking here.

Such a beauty, and I'm certain it will be a memorable trip visiting Mont Blanc in the winter.

#2. Lake District, North West England

A rural area in northwest England, this place is often associated with the early 19th century poetry and writings of famous literary figures, like William Wordsworth.

My biggest regret when I was in England was that I didn't manage to make it for the road trip to Lake District.

In addition, I heard that transportation there is really tough, unless you have a car. That said, there's lots of walking and all, even with a car.

And I hope I'll make it there this time, soon. =)

#1. Budapest

The capital of Hungary, it is also the largest city in the country.
It became a single city on 17 November 1873 with the unification of Buda and Pest.

No wonder that it is widely regarded as one of the most beautiful cities in Europe.

Travelling bugs, anyone?

Dreaming,

Izzy

2009-04-03T23:43:00.004+08:00

TGIF!

Once again, my favourite day of the week :)

We brought Kellye, from UK, to Holland V to chill at Harry's and it was a very enjoyable time. Sitting down, sipping down amidst the thin rolls wedged between the fingers, a few small bites of finger food, infectious laughter, nothing too heavy.

=) I haven't been this happy for quite some time.

The wonders Fridays bring to you once you start work.

Bring on the happy spirit,

Izzy

2009-04-02T01:49:00.003+08:00

My Current FaceBook Status:

Isabelle Oh
has found her drive again =) after almost a year of hiatus.3 hours ago

Yup, this is what my facebook reads now.

It's amazing how I feel so much more refreshed and driven about my life now.

I was told that I'm handing the portfolio of the Economics section,
and not forgetting my roots in Sociology,
I suggested that we could focus a little more on this aspect.

Let's see how it goes, and hopefully I will be able to help contribute in these ways.
=)

Blown away.
Izzy

2009-03-31T22:24:00.005+08:00

Mightier is the pen than the sword

With a generous stroke of luck, I just landed myself in a job as an editor.

One of my numerous dream job is to be an editor, amongst many others, like being a fashion designer, a script writer, a film maker, a director, a marketer, an events manager and even running my cafe and tour guides.

I must admit that I've been pretty apprehensive about this -
I'm considerably new to the industry and I still need to hone my customer service skills.

While I may not have the relevant background experience in the publishing industry and am filled with trepidation and anxiety about not being able to do well in the job, I am increasingly excited as days pass into the job because I learn more and more cool aspects about this job.

I viewed the pre-press and press processes and I am never going to look at books or journals the same way again.

A huge load of tedious labour (both manual and automatic) go into the innocent looking book one holds.
From the manuscript which passes through the hands of the editor and editorial assistants many times, to the carefully alligned papers prepared by the type setters, the blue prints where the officers have to breathe in all kinds of chemicals (including ammonia) to the binded copy we hated to read in our university days.

That's a process of almost 9-10 months, almost as good as being pregnant with a foetus.
And I guess all publications are babies to the editors, who see through the job from its conception to the production.
Holding your final copy of the ready-to-publish book is almost like carrying your newborn.
I used "almost" because I don't know how it feels like yet.

As days pass and I slowly learn the technicalities of the job, it really psyches me up to think that I'll have my very first assignment soon.
Imagine having to comb through drafts and of course helping to decide about the book cover design to the thickness of the papers...
Sends tingling through my toes.

=) While it may not be the fashion or lifestyle industry I am hoping to be an editor for in the future, it's a baby step still, isn't it?

Wish me luck! (and lots of wisdom) =)

Scribbling away,
Izzy

2009-03-27T22:57:00.003+08:00

Quote of the Day

"Belle,

You could have fallen on your knees and scraped your knees,
But you fell from the plane, standing up.

This is a new opportunity and it's not a bad thing at all.
In fact, it's a brand new start with promising prospects.
I'm very happy for you."

Thank you KJ.
For always being there and offering very sound advice and encouraging words.
Your quote about falling but landing on my knees inspired me a lot. =)

2009-03-25T15:30:00.005+08:00

Convocation 2008 pictures

Melvin and Me Daniel, Me and Shawn

Me and the Soci girls

Me and the brilliant Valedictorian :) Apparently touching his hair gave me good luck to get my honours degree in the end.

Me, Jonny and Bianca - The Second Life Project Group

Been a little too lazy uploading these pictures, but these pictures nevertheless mean a lot to me. =)

4 years of undergraduate studies, a day to commemorate in July 2008. =)

2009-03-25T12:43:00.003+08:00

Family

Yup, this is me, my mum and my 3 elder sisters. My eldest sister is not inside the picture, regrettably.

We finally got to doing the family portrait plus my graduation pictures at Werkz,

almost 8 months after my convocation.

It was quite an experience, and my family enjoyed every moment of it. The posing, the giggling and the choosing of backdrops...

The closeness of a family that reveals and I'm sure my mum enjoyed seeing her little kids working together cohesively.

I did, as well, knowing how difficult it was to get the whole family to take a picture together.

In total, we took 6 albums, and one included a whole family of 10 people, where it was something that I had wished for the longest time in my life. While regrettably, my eldest sister was not in the picture, it was closest to anything I could ever wish for.

And yes, many friends have commented that I do not look like any of my sisters or my mum...

Leaves me wondering if I was really picked up from a rubbish chute when I was born. =)

2009-03-24T09:57:00.004+08:00

What makes us who we are?

Scanned through letters of 5-6 years ago,

familiar yet distant wordings,

brought comfort but now reminiscence of the love long time past,

a precious memory then and now almost chucked away.

Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before -

that was what you said.

While I didn't agree with you then, I concur with you now.

It made me who I was, and who I am and who I will be.

While loving and losing seems almost inevitable,

it is a part of our lives,

a phase we go through.

Change is the only thing constant.

And it is with this mentality that life still goes on,

with the hope that better things come along the way,

and the past makes us stronger. =)

And hence, thank you for having loved and lost me.

2009-03-23T14:04:00.002+08:00

Finding Love

Some of us look for love.
Some in the wrong places,
some at the wrong time.
Some don't find any at all.

He comes from a torn apart family,
constantly caught between distant parents,
a house; not a home.
His constant search for love -
Or perhaps a nurturing ground to find warmth and care,
once and again broken into shards of glass;
He swore that he'd never have his own family end up like the one he was born in.
Perhaps noone understood what it feels like to be battling alone
Against others,
against himself.
One after another, a serial monogamist?
He thinks not -
just that love came aknocking, one after another.
Truth is, who does he love?
All of them? None of them? Or maybe, just maybe,
Some of them.
Or has love become an emotional crutch,
for him to be able to give and receive love?
An age too young to ponder about the complications of life
Delves deep into the sea without knowing the depth
Cuts himself with broken bottles and stabs himself in the feet with each step on the rocky slabs

Do we find love? Or does love find us?

2009-03-23T13:56:00.002+08:00

Colorgenics Test

Name: isabelle
Date: 3/23/2009
Colorgenics Number: 71036254

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.
You are experiencing considerable difficulty trying to achieve your goals. As a consequence of this you are becoming more and more irritable. Your friends and acquaintances are finding it increasingly more difficult to appease or to reason with you. You are the cause of your own problems. Don't be so impulsive. It is your vacillation that can lead to problems and uncertainties. Ease up a little.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

Credits to: http://www.goldinuniverse.com/

2009-03-14T21:17:00.006+08:00

1 day and 1 night in Manchester, United Kingdom

And so my little escapade to my favourite country began on 27th February 2009, when I boarded SQ327, a direct flight at 11.55pm from Changi Airport Terminal 3 from SIN - MAN.

It certainly was a little of a mad rush, from my work that Friday evening, to packing for my trip (including some time to panic here and there...) and prepping myself for the trip.

And then the car trip to the airport just felt like it was just another day, almost as if I was due for another night audit in the transit area.

However, this time it was different.

I was with my good old worn-out pink backpack, which housed my winter essentials (black leather gloves, checked; favourite army-like jacket, checked; camera charger for a shutter happy me, checked, good brown boots which lasted my exchange days in Newcastle in winter 2006, checked...)

Almost the same, but yet different.

I was travelling alone for the first time on a long-haul flight (discounting those adhoc EasyJet flights from Newcastle to Paris, London etc),

Also my first flight to Europe alone and a monumental one at that since it was my second SQ flight to Manchester (my first SQ flight was to Brisbane way back in 2002),

Most importantly, I had never been to Manchester and a normal rational me would never fly alone to a European city, with no inkling of where to go, what to do, where to sleep... at such a short notice.

I decided within.... a day? After hearing my colleague suggest that I might as well use my privilege tix to somewhere I love.

London was fully booked, and Manchester was my next immediate choice.

Knowing fully well I'd depart SIN at 2355 hours local time on 27 February 2009, arriving at 0615 hours local time on 28 February in Manchester and leaving at 0915 hours local time on 29 February 2009, reaching Singapore at 0600 hours local time on 1 March 2009.... taking into consideration the time difference, I would only have about one day and one night on ground in Manchester, and I'd have burnt most of my time onboard the aircraft.

Thank goodness for inflight entertainment. Never the kind to hanker over such inflight service, I found my time well spent onboard the two flights to and fro Manchester.

I watched Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie with the Audio-video on demand, and finally I understood the whole plot. For the longest time since I watched this in JC during a lit lesson, I couldnt understand and didnt have time to rewatch this film for years. And now, I am really beginning to feel that several French films are really.. fun and eccentric, many a times unreplicable by other kinda films. They have this twist that keeps the audience just enthralled with the interesting puns and philosophies of life. Think Hors de Prix, 48 Heures Par Jour, Jeux d'enfants... These films never fail to amaze me and the closet film maker wanna-be hopes to find inspiration one day to be able to think of a plot like that... just someday.

I also watched Madagascar 2 and laughed so heartily the other British passengers were looking at me. How can anyone not love Alex and his antics and his illusions of seeing his friends as pork chops, really?

That said, I arrived at Manchester Airport on 28th February at approximately 0615am local time in the blistering cold of 5 degrees.

2009-03-09T01:31:00.004+08:00

Ringing in the heart

What makes our lives beautiful?

Is it just the academic achievements and the accolades that one collects?

Is it the fancy car you drive or the numerous presents you receive?

I believe it's the love that we receive.

The ability to find someone,

who loves you, despite being hurt countless times,

despite being taunted by endless memories,

despite being the giver for the upteenth times,

the ability to be loved by this someone.

Watched Marley and Me,

and an apt phrase kept resounding in my head...

"How many of us can find someone who love you,

despite you being rich or poor,

despite you owning a big or small house,

despite you ranting at him/her...

And loves you everyday,

despite everything you do?"

Indeed, who can?

2009-03-01T00:58:00.004+08:00

Everything with its own consequence

The first part of my last-minute trip/get-away/rejuvenating measure was pulled off successfully.

I am now in Manchester, backpacking and staying in a youth hostel.

In less than 24 hours, I'll be on a plane back to Singapore again.

That said, it was a real experience travelling to Manchester alone.

Fingers crossed, I need my flight to arrive on time on Monday.

*Crossed extra tightly*

2009-02-18T00:22:00.000+08:00

When all's said and done

The question is...

Somewhere... but where?

2009-02-16T02:53:00.003+08:00

Listening and Hearing

Sometimes, I really think there is a difference between being heard and being listened to.

Everyone can hear -
But not everyone listens.

Just like in my current line of work, not everyone is suitable for this job because not everyone listens.
We all think we can understand, but do we really?

And here comes a super difficult trying time for me,
faced with choices, choices and more choices -
or maybe the truth is, the lack of choices -
I know as much as I can be there for my friends,
I need a listening ear now.

Someone who bothers to sit down with me,
listens to my multi perspectives (and grumbles)
and understands where I'm coming from and why I'm stuck in a rut,
and most importantly, offers advice but only after understanding the complete picture.

And yes, thank you my best friend for having done that for me.

I am really thankful I have you.

2009-02-15T23:28:00.006+08:00

The French Stall

With a sudden craving for french food today, and as a post V day celebration / chill out session, we proceeded to the French Stall at 544 Serangoon Road.

It was my 2nd time there since 2007 and it's been a long time since I tasted French food.

Nostalgic, yes, as I missed the cheesy chunky warm onion soup I had in the cold winters of France.

Yum yum, it still makes me smile when I think of the onion soup at Wepler, Paris.

Anyway, we ordered 2 set meals, inclusive of appetisers, main course and desserts.

I opened the menu and realised my command of French has gone down the drain...

While I do try to speak as much French as possible, it's in bits and pieces and sometimes I'm appalled when I try to express myself and it no longer comes so easily anymore.

Sigh.

So we went to have different appetisers since he hasn't tried French food before...

Onion Soup

It's still a disappointment, because the cheese is too little, the soup is a little bland.. and the bread is soggy.

Having said that, I'm judging it based on the hopefully authentic onion soup in Paris and while I ain't any expert on French food, it personally doesn't tickle my palate. But then, in Singapore and with its humid weather, I guess it is really hard to please all the customers' taste... You can't please everyone.

Chicken Liver

I think eating the livers of geese, chickens... is an acquired taste.. It does take some courage to taste strange eating / smelling gooey stuff... But ever since I tasted the fois gras years ago, I decided to give this another try...

It was nice and even though he didnt enjoy it as much and with the emphasis that the liver is fattening and gives high cholestrol, I enjoyed it all the same =)

These were our main courses - the first being the chicken leg and followed by the pork chop. I personally found the chicken quite tasty and the pork chop, while being a little tough, it was quite delicious. =) And he fell in love with the orgasmic baked potato that came along with my pork chop.

It was prepared with slices of potato, with a dash of cheese in between, and baked to perfection. Parfait, even though I don't like potatos. =)

Dessert came and mine was home made tiramisu. It was rich, and moist - very tantalizing.

And he fell in love (again) with the honey cheese cake, which I reckon is a treat for cheese lovers.

While it wasn't fabulous fare, it was a very beautiful night. =)

2009-02-15T02:34:00.004+08:00

An article I found on msn.com, which is very inspiring. It is a collection of "Is This What Romance Looks Like?", and I leave here one of the stories, as food for thought.

What is love, really?

Sickness and Health

"Is that your husband?" The ER nurse is pointing to you, the fever-spiked lump who is snoring softly and muttering beside me. We've been here for hours, and for hours I've returned my lips over and over to your scalding forehead, as if to cool it, or, perhaps, to comfort myself. In just a little while longer, we'll find out that what you have is a severe case of strep, and you will swallow the prescribed pills, and I will finally put my lips to your quietly sleeping forehead and feel a welcome coolness.

But for now the nurse's face is creased with compassion and weariness — she is waiting — and it's not really the right time to tell her about your gentle strength: the way you rocked our baby in the sling for hours on end while you graded papers, rocked another baby three years later while you did your anatomy homework, babies peacefully asleep across your broad chest for what feels like my entire adult life. It's not the right time to explain what a funny contradiction you are, a hockey-playing massage therapist, or how just last week you lay your hands on a friend's father while he lay dying in hospice.

She wouldn't understand how funny it is that you gave me bedtime coupons — promising to turn in early on the nights I redeem them — because you're a night owl and I miss you in bed, or how it feels when I come down in the morning to a toasty kitchen because you've already lit a fire in our wood stove. She doesn't know that I'm strangely euphoric, sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have so much to lose — my rock, my mystery, the love of my life — that I'm sitting here thinking in sickness and in health. I will, I think. I do. But all I can say is yes. "Yes. That's my husband."

- Catherine Newman is the author of Waiting for Birdy.

2009-02-15T01:11:00.005+08:00

Valentine's Day

And it is the time of the year where couples show their affection/love/wealth in a display...
However, this year it feels a little downplayed and cold...
Could be due to the recession...
Or maybe I'm getting too old for all this hype.

I remembered I penned an entry on Valentine's Day a year ago...
On how I think V Day is a horror day for men (and women, sometimes)
And it continues to amuse me, how our perspectives change within a span of the year.

To be clear, I was grousing about how men should make an effort for Valentine's Day (no matter how commercialized it was..)
This year, I took a step back and thought it through.

I still think efforts matter, no doubt. Even more than ever.

But I think it's also who you spend it with, that determine the importance of marking this date and making an effort.

A tiring day from work on a Saturday, coupled with a shot of indecision and two pints of market woes... is quickly made better with someone who makes an effort to listen, be there, present sincere displays of patience and understanding, seeks to understand your preferred food/flowers/art, is sensitive to your feelings and apologizes for lapses (i can't believe im using a work jargon...) and importantly, despite being absolutely tired.

That being said, I guess effort really really does count, despite in gloomy times.

Happy times don't last forever, but effort made is seen and recognized and appreciated very much.

My friends, Happy Valentine's Day.
I hope that all of you are spending quality time with your loved ones (family, friends, partners).
=)

And I still stand by this theory:

And maybe next year my entry will be a shift in perspective again. =)

2009-02-12T00:25:00.004+08:00

Liminal

Should I Stay - Dreamz Fm

Had a drive
Driven by your love
But when you messed around
I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed
Needed someone true
But you changed your mind
Or had I failed you?

Wish you would been
Careful with my heart
But you tore it apart
And broke an angel´s heart

The kiss was true
Has to end somehow
But I´m livin´ proof of what love´s about

*Chorus

It is hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It is sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I do not know (I do not know)
I´ve got to know
Should I stay or should I go?

You played me on
Played me like a clown
But I feel for you
Even though I am down

My heart´s heavy
Heavy like a rock
But I´m so amused
You are still in my thoughts

*Chorus

It is hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It is sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I do not know (I do not know)
I´ve got to know
Should I stay or should I go?

This time its done
It will never feel the same
But we had some good times
Guess it is sad just the same

I guess the truth
Doesn´t matter somehow
But you were livin´ proof of what love´s about…

2009-02-10T00:05:00.003+08:00

An overturned grin

Had an absolute rubbish day today... Was on the verge of tears...
I promised myself I'd stay in control... And that I'd stay resilient against all odds...

But sometimes the safety net breaks... and all hell breaks loose...

And as I braved myself for what's coming ahead...
I wonder if I'm holding on to prove myself wrong...
... or if i even have anything to stay for...

It brings me back to square one... where daunting choices overwhelm me...

I hate to choose... don't make me choose...
Taureans love their comfort zones...
And absolutely abhor changes...
or so I believe.

The light at the end of the tunnel, is that of an oncoming train?

Highly possibly, since I can't see anyway out...
I need a breather but ironically I can't...

Nasty days... they seem to outlast me..
And my solace is listening to music...
Inspiring ones, at least like the one below..

These Days - Jennifer Paige / Bardot

Some days
I couldnt get up
Couldnt get down
Im bored of everything

Somehow a little black cloud would rain over me
Someone was making me mad
Good turned bad
And Id lose everything
To get you back
Just to get you back but...

*Chorus

These days
The worlds alright
The sun shines bright
Im kicking out the dreams
These days
I dont think twice
I walk on ice
Im positively somewhere

These days go on
Long after youve gone
These days go on
Long after youve gone
These days go on and on...

Im out of the fire and into the swimming pool
Sometimes Id drown my tears
But the same old fears come back

Someones been making me ill
I bet youre still
A 2,3,4 letter word
Yes, you heard
The pretty little birds fly home, cause...

*Chorus
These days
The sun kicks in
The good guys win
Im illegal in the back seat
These days
Im safe and sound
Not dragged down
You wanna know the reason?

These days go on
Long after youve gone
These days go on
Long after youve gone
These days go on and on...

**
Thank you for not being here
I feel better when youre not
Sleeping in my head
Tossing and turning
And messing up the sheets
The love we made was incomplete

Like the shoes on your feet
Same stuff Ive heard before
That philosophy starting to bore me now
Now you wont have to smile and ignore me

*Chorus
These days
The karmas right
The sun shines bright
Im kicking out the bad dreams
These days
I dont think twice
I walk on light
Im positively somewhere

2009-02-07T21:12:00.004+08:00

A Carebear A Day, Keeps The Gloom Away

At least that's what I want to believe.
While it can be pretty dreary and high stressing in the office,
we all have our little ways to cheer up our own workstations.

Especially for someone like me, who's exceptionally "organized",
i have my care bears to brighten up my space.
Especially when I have a huge Night time bear sitting opposite me,
always ready for a cuddle when I'm feeling down.

And that's why my colleague said I looked like I was a little kid in a kindergarten,
hugging my huge care bear and typing away.

To each his own, I guess. =)

2009-02-05T22:52:00.002+08:00

Twinkling of an eye

It's amazing how time flies. It's been almost 8 months since I commenced work and before you know it, it's going to be one year. As usual, work's hectic and always mad. Hardly any time for breather, and by the time work ends, I take a little rest and it's time to sleep and prepare for another day of stress... This job is certainly making me have a shorter life, with the pressure and deadlines... And it has made me abhor writing. Seriously.

24 this year, and I set myself several goals that I have to meet - just like when I was 21.

Sometimes I really wonder...24 and what have I achieved?

I guess it's an answer I'll get when it gets to December... End of year and the time for self-reflection...

Meanwhile, it's back to the usual mundane grind of life, biting my lips and holding on to work... And I still have my contemplations amidst the stability...

I seem to have lost energy for things I enjoy doing... The pressure of work is turning me into a words-churning machine... Need a space for creativity and imagination...

Time to take a breather before I burn out.

2009-02-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

Together

That day, I was just thinking...
Some people stay together, some just don't...

And why so?

It got me puzzled a little while...

Sometimes, as an outsider,
it's like looking down at a maze
where you see a lost soul trapped in the neverending walls
searching for an exit but never finding it

While we can point out the exit from where we stand
since we are able to see things much clearer,
when the soul is trapped,
the soul is damned and condemned to wonder...

...unless the soul desires to break out of the fetters...

leaves me wondering still...

2009-01-15T18:00:00.001+08:00

I hate this part - PCD

We're driving slow
Through the snow
On fifth avenue
And right now radio's
All that we can hear

Now we ain't talked since we left
It's so overdue
It's cold outside
But between us its worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know (i know) this is (this is) the part where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothings wrong
But there is no more time for lies
Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

But I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part

I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

Oh
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

2009-01-13T22:33:00.002+08:00

Psychedelic

Ecstatic when I take a whiff of your aroma
Delirious when the thin roll is wedged between our fingers
Delighted with a promising night of endless liquors

Sunken when your tears roll
Unsettled when your mind maps up its branches
Keeled over when you change your mind

With the ups come along the downs
The wall carefreely splashed with myriads of colours
Yes, someone overspilled the palette
And it's you -

I'm colourblind -
I can't tell between the hues of blue
Neither the tones of purple
Nor the tints of green
And smudged together,
they casually create the perfect piece of art.

2009-01-12T22:07:00.008+08:00

Terminal Velocity

There are some days I really do love my job,
And today it is one of them.

The most interesting aspect of this job is to whizz past the milling crowd of travellers on a travellator, sensing their excitement (and fatigue at times) and recounting in my head the destinations they are travelling to..

Awaiting fervently as they stream in from their destinations, many happy to meet their loved ones...
Counting anxiously as the time is running out and the need to locate the forgetful traveller becomes increasing pressing....
Observing carefully as an imagined traveller and stepping into the shoes of them...

Travel does wonders for the soul.
I wish I was the one leaving on a jetplane though.

I remember my last flight from Paris to Newcastle in 2006 where I was stuck in Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport due flight delay and it was reaching the end of my exchange days in Europe..
I was finishing my 3rd year of university and was wondering what to do with my life...

Then I was looking around and found several globetrotters, on their PDAs, laptops, working furiously as the plane was further delayed...
And I told myself I would definitely have a job that requires me to travel around a fair bit... and work even when I am travelling in the airport...

It appears I am relatively close to my dream... In a certain funny way...
Life brings you in a large circle, here I am...

Nevertheless, I certainly hope one day I would be closer to this dream of mine.

2009-01-10T12:01:00.003+08:00

说好的幸福呢

你的绘画凌乱着在这个时刻

我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了

情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢

伴你断断续续唱着歌假作没事了

时间过了走了爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了

一开始都不快乐你用卡片手写着

有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢

我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍

那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得

你不等了说好的幸福呢

我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

2009-01-05T22:24:00.005+08:00

L'enseignement à distance

Avec la proximité, rien est appris

Rien va changer, rien va améliorer

Tu pense que tu sais, mais je crois pas

Avec ta douceur, ta douleur a révélé

Avec tes rires, la mort de ton amour te faisait pleurer

Avec tes mots, j'ai découvert tes petits mensonges pieux

Avec toi, ton âme est morte.

Tu es perdu, tu es cassé -

Tes yeux ne veulent pas voir

Ton coeur ne peut pas sentir

Ta lèvre ne veut pas sourire.

Ton âme sœur, je suis pas.

Quel que soit le prix, je suis ici pour toi.

Je veux rien,

Je veux seulement que tu cicatrises

Je veux seulement que tu puisses tomber dans l'amour dans le futur

Je veux seulement que tu puisses être aimé

Seulement parce que tu es précieux.

C'est tout, c'est simple, non?

2008-12-26T17:02:00.002+08:00

An Eulogy to the Number Game

One hundred and fifty-five, their fingers say
Wilting flowers on the grave where the cadavers lay
Her impaled visage, their nails will flay
The petite metallic musical box continues to play.

Twenty weeks into the game,
It all remains the same.
They burst into flames,
Or so she thought was the aim.

Five times the charm, she prays
Against the lifeless worn-out frays
Enumerating each trudging day
Eventually thrown into disarray

Countless floating apparitions
7 takes of a different rendition
A bitter taste of the blazing concoction
Irrepressible consternation obscured by capricious circumlocution

The sarcophagus devours the flesh inside
Specks of the sanguine fluid - proof of what lived before
The coffin lid perceptibly shut tight, without a gleam of sunlight
Time to allow the corpses to rest in peace before night falls

And the number game has to end some day.

2008-12-03T00:37:00.005+08:00

A little well-deserved holiday

Finally, after my last trip to Europe in May,
it's been six months since I am going away from Singapore.

Promised myself a little get-away, and it has finally arrived,
though very last-minute.
It was hell trying to clear my work, and i'm constantly worried about my backlogs.

I made it through these five months of work and it was no easy feat,
nursing a leg wound, trying to bridge the school-work transition,
and with the millions thoughts mounting in my head :)

A reward for me, and an early birthday prezzie for my darling mum.
She's turning 59, and means the world to me.

And since I've combed Europe,
it's time for me to bring her to Taipei, where she's never been to
and let her relax (finally, after the littlest baby monster has graduated from NUS).

Truth be told, I've never researched on an entire city/country that I backpack to alone
because I suck at directions.
(And I mean it - I walk towards Taka when I am looking for Cine)
and because I am reliant on directions given and I am pretty much too protected and sheltered by people who travel with me.

As there is a first for everything, this shall be the first =)

And as I had planned for this trip since July,
I shall take a breather and sort my life out.
Sort 'em in the respective drawers and bins.

And learn to live all over again.

"We never felt the presence, but now we feel the absence."

2008-11-22T15:28:00.002+08:00

Yet another restless Friday night,
time spent together around a green table,
with fidgety legs and darting eyes,
roaming fingers and with the bated breath of anticipation
all to look for the very one, to complete the set.

Sounds very much like love, to me.

Sometimes, when you are close to winning and you are just anticipating, awaiting one tile,
and you glance at the table and realise that two tiles of the same particular colour and design are strewn there,
do you keep waiting for that tentatively "dead" tile or move on and pick a new tile which you have higher possibilities of waiting for?

Is waiting at an almost sure dead end a sign of tenacity or pure stubbornness?

That, I don't know. For many do get lucky and wait for what they want. But what about those that don't?

And for those who have fantastic tiles, is it wrong for them to try and win a higher set? Or is it simple greed that blinds them and ties them to an endless chase for a higher set, when they can simple win earlier albeit with a smaller set?

So what is life really about? Is it about perserverance? Or is it about being able to see the big picture and knowing on hindsight that the very one tile you were waiting for was hidden at the last stack of tiles, which you will never get?

My friend, if you are reading this, I hope you understand what I mean. I don't wish to see you get hurt again.

x x x x x x x x

On another note (typing this reminds me of my professional hazards...), it was really nice meeting up and playing 3 rounds of mahjong until the wee hours at 4am... we started at 9pm...
By the end of the 2nd round, I was half dead, and my brain went on auto mode...

But it was nice, cos in the end, both of us accumulated an earning of $120... and while this is like not a huge amount, it is an accumulative effort to do damage control... because the bets are high and sometimes, losing is inevitable.... so it's about knowing when to cut your losses....

Sometimes, I think working makes me think too much for my own good..

2008-11-19T01:40:00.003+08:00

Facades

Clearing skies, a mere facade.
Just when she thought the skies were clearing,
after bouts of thunder and bolts of lightning flashing by,
Apparently she was wrong.

Just when she wished to wait for the magnificent rainbow
At the end of the rainy days
Something she became less and less certain of being able to see
Afterall, the rain didn't seem to want to cease.

But the skies were just,
Just about to clear...

Just when she thought
Just when she felt
Just when she believed...

Someone up there must be laughing at her.
Having a huge chuckle indeed.

2008-11-17T23:29:00.002+08:00

Hit by the petite bug and

Leaving on a jet plane

2008-11-09T16:16:00.004+08:00

On days when all things go awry...

2008-11-09T16:07:00.001+08:00